scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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I feel +5 today and am so glad to see you all online tonight

-9.9

-5 Good news: I got into the magazine Dog Fancy and got it today. Bad news: They fail to mention ANY contact information including the website, e-mail, or phone number. This pisses me off. My mom is going to try to get them to put my website in a future magazine like next month's to make up for this mistake. I thought I would get a ton of orders because of it, but because of their stupidity, I will get none unless the people have a brain and google my name. I doubt anyone will do that though. They also failed to mention that I have over 300 designs, and am in 20 stores with my art cards. At least they mentioned that I am planning to inspire others and all the things the doctors told my parents at first. I know Oprah reads this magazine but now since there is no contact info, she won't be able to get me on her show if she wants to in the first place. I think this is the section she reads, the "happy endings" section to see if there are any inspiring stories. But how is she going to F-ing contact us? Did I mention the writers of Dog Fancy are stupid? At least when I was in bird talk 8 years ago, they mentioned my website even though back then I had very few designs, wasn't well known, and my business wasn't doing anything. Even the website itself didn't look like a real website because it was long and didn't look professional. Hopefully that person who enjoys me suffering doesn't read this. He hates it when I am happy. Absolutely HATES it!

about
6.3
Had fun yesterday at our meet-up, but still feel so completely empty and blank

I need MORE!! !!

-8. a little better. not thinking about suicide much. i didn't end up having to deal with a difficult situation, so i'm still lousy but more stable.

I'm holding on at a solid 3.8

Trying to keep positive

need to learn to finish what I star

I feel MAGICAL! It's the best time of my life... I think I'm in love and I feel great

+5 and -5 I was feeling good. My daughter came to stay today and I cooked lamb roast with vegetables. Then I just run to the bathroom and was sick. I wish it was my cooking but I am starting to think maybe I really am pregnant. I just don't want to beleive it. Not for now it's Christmas

-12 -12 -12 -12 -12

Nephew not get any better and he's been in the hospital for over a month.

I believe our family has succumb to a curse of some sort. If not, logically I don't know what except one thing after another after another after another.....

^ I hate all that is happening, I hope your nephew recovers.

3.
It's 4:42 am.
I'm so tired that it's making me feel sick.
And I can't sleep.

2 points added because I just saw the sunrise and it is amazingly beautiful.

-5 I'm happy but am kinda so called "psychotic" for no reason. It has been since October that I have been like this but yesterday and today were bad for the hallucinations. Not really voices, just sometimes but noises that can't be explained. Like just 10 minutes ago, I heard a lot of jets flying over head with their afterburners on because it was so loud but when I asked everyone in the house, not one single person heard it. I know they are gathering intelligence information on me. I DIDN'T DO IT GOV!! ! Why are you blaming me? They think I caused the recession/depression that we are in right now because I posted it on this site under the threads, "predictions for 2008" and "predictions for 2009" being so accurate. I'm so cold right now, it feels like -50 inside my house even though we have heat. That makes a lot of sense, huh? Then when we went shopping my thought insertion (basically non audible voices coming from an outside source) told me that everyone is hearing my thoughts and staring at me and they know my dark secret of causing the current economic problems. Then I was being controlled by a brain chip that receives signals from a spy satellite and then my thoughts gets beamed back to the satellite and then down to the FBI or CIA headquarters. Sometimes they tell me to freeze or the bomb in my neck that is more powerful than an nuclear bomb, it can destroy the state or maybe the whole country- all they said it is the most powerful in the world but also the smallest. I feel the pressure there so its not a delusion its like someone is pressing against it and it never stops since they put it in a few weeks ago. I heard these footsteps and they stayed all night and then put the bomb in. How fun. Not.

What am I, a thread killer? It seems no one is going to this thread anymore and I think it is because of me. By the way, I am at a -9 because my stupid case worker who I needed to see desperately canceled on me and I hate them for this. I am tired of this crap. My life is in danger and I have no one to talk to outside of my family. I was looking forward to talking to her, but I had this strong feeling that this would happen, everything goes for the worst. I'm afraid that things won't go smoothly for our business either like I thought it would. I HATE BHR (behavioral health resources) because all they do is cause trouble. There is this group that I go to there and they are always late getting me back, sometimes they lose a person, and their planning skills are non existent. I actually got yelled at by one of the people there because I was "spreading bad information about them." All I said on the ride home that day is that their planning skills suck and that is a complete fact. When you have an appointment and need to see them desperately, they should have a back up crisis thing that you can go to. Now the only people I can talk to is on the Internet. Wow, that's going to do a lot. Not! Face to face is a lot more important than chatting online. They don't know you or your case, but real people do. I can't see my pdoc for a long time and I can't wait until January 13th or 11th I don't remember which. I can't wait to see my psychologist because it is also too long- jan 8th. No, I am not suicidal but I am a threat to myself. I don't want to go to the hospital either. I just need to get the bleeping bomb out of me. The gov put it there.

^
There is no way the goverment have planted a bomb inside
you, theres just no way in hell that has happend. Relax,
the goverment couldn`t care less what you do, you`re just
one of millions of people they dont give a s**t about. There
is one huge flaw in your theory and i hope you see it; If the
goverment wanted you dead, you would allready have been
dead for a long time. They dont waste time on things like that.

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Feeling not too bad, tied up some loose ends and made some
changes. Sold some of my s**t and i have around $20,000
cash in my hand. And now i`m not gonna use it to do anything
good, i`m not gonna give it away to help someone, i`m pissing
it all away Thats right, tomorrow a taxi comes to pick me
up and with some luck i`ll never return home. This is gonna
be the mother of all benders. So suck my ass and f**k off
First person that looks funny at me after 12:00 tomorrow i
will beat the crap out of. Anyone talking to me i will beat the
crap out of. In short, i`ll probably end up in jail again and
i just dont give a f**k In fact, i think i`ll try to find a
filthy cop and kick his head in just for fun And i can
promise they will have to kill me to stop me, no doubt.

Well, i guess thats it, 11 hours left until the s**t hits the
fan. After that all bets are off. It was nice here on wp
for a while but then it turned to s**t so i`ll just say my
goodbye. I`m not enough of a perverted selfish freak
to be comfortable here.

One thing at the end, some people talk about AS being
not to bad and blahbla and i have to say, f**k you people.
One year ago i had it ok, i felt like s**t but i didnt know
why and i just worked and worked. Then i discover i
have AS And everything turned to s**t. Things i`ve
spent 6 years building fell to the ground in ruins in only
7 months and i`m left with nothing. So AS is the worst
s**t i have ever encountered, how i curse myself every
day for finding it out My life would have been so
much better had i not known. Happily unaware. But, too
late, i found out and that was it, my life turned to s**t.

So f**k you H. Asperger and f**k this AS s**t. I want it
gone, i want it erradicated, i want it out of my f*****g
head!! So i have a photograpich memory, so i can do
crazy things with music, so i speedread, so f*****g what!
Its useless since am the way i am, cant do anything except
sit alone and tinker with my stuff alone, so whats the point

1

F**king allergies!!

I think the worst of it is over now though.

5. I have a cold right now, but I'm optimistic for the future.