-10
I feel like I am in a rapidly descending spiral of meltdowns. I say horrible things to those people who set off the meltdown, and I feel extremely guilty about it. I wish I wasn't at home; I wish I moved out; but that's another story. I am convinced that being at home is somehow bad for my mental health...yet, I have to stay here (since I don't have a job). So obviously, I need to stop having these meltdowns.
I guess it's the pressures that one gets put upon oneself, either by him/herself or others, about finding a job, moving out, etc. On top of that, you have a brother who hurts your feelings (even if he doesn't mean to...he "claims" he's being sarcastic), and on top of that you have a mom who uses a very, very loud voice every time she gets even the slightest bit mad. Add to that a situation where both parents are simultaneously talking to you at the same time, the TV is on very loud, and both parents are (relatively speaking) being loud. And then I started yelling and being disrespectful to my parents. *Sigh*
I had a huge meltdown today, kicking my closet door several times until my dad burst in and told me to stop. At which point, I yelled at him.
I feel horribly guilty about this, yet, sometimes I find that it is a bit out of my control--once the meltdown gets started that is. I have tried my hardest to contain it, but when someone tells me, a 21-year-old to "go to your room," and treats me like a little child (Mentally, I'm like a 15-year-old, not a 5-year-old), then pretty much tells me I'm not going to be treated as part of the family (today (or any day? Not quite so sure :/))...well, it's enough to send me over the edge.
I wish I could stop melting down :'(