I really am a cripple, you know.

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...BA dreams of me being locked away iin a loony.bin (or similar), but, I will suppose that she does not see that it would be living death - with nothing - for me .
Other people, I c they were confined in such a place, might be visited sometimes by someone. I wouldn't be . Do you think anyone HERE is going to? Right. Material things. Likely.what material things I might come in might, for one, be worn and be tattetered away. Money? It's d likely be sucked away like a mongoose/elephant's trunk, leaving me stuck there always , even if they don't"t coommit me. Oh, maybe - maybe : once a month ; maybe - I'd get a doctor's pass out - to go to Walmart. Seeing g, even passing by, any gree edy would br.pretty Mich over for me .

...The SEFI card coming in has reduced the difficulties, but onlyjust in time - The limit on how much I can withdraw during the day had make things very.dptead out, and requiring much going back and forth, doing things I'm.order - it is past midnight, Thursday morning - I still don't know if my bank account can be rescue, I'M ll find out Friday at the earliest, this Thurs I'll have to withdraw money from an ATM, involving a lot of walking -.Of three ATMs I've tried only one takes the newfangled chip card the new STM card is, the...nearer...two others didn't.
We are woken up 5:30 AM or so, have s rather light breakfast, I leave about 6:30 to be dropped near the bus station. There is almost no place for me to do my things till I can take a bus going to one ril" 9 AM or after. It is the rainy season now . I tend to hang around the inside of the Metro Center, ad do other HL I tend to get a snack of some kind at the Metro:s snack grocery, both tempted...and thinking that being seen to be " doing business " there might be seem more favorably by the guard there. That will add up . There is no lunch meal available to me anywhere, the being tempted continues, when I get back to the shelter there:s a good evening meal very early in the night, maybe too much, then I have to wait for the Matt's for the floor yo be brought out and spend much time fixing my bed till I lie down and try to pursue sleep but my screwed-up sleep pattern gets in the way, as it did tonight , but at least I can lie down flat though it's a bit too flat/coldish.
When I got this umpteenth very low-end phone to-day I saw in my E-mail a final notice from the storage place that a lien eill be placed on my space to-day . I managed to Nick/time call an say I'll come today, an extension through Friday was granted - The first bus that would get up there I'd 9:25. I'll have 2 walk s couple hloxks up from the Metro to that STM and back, and I still have pain in my torso/trunk, even carrying less.

Now it's my spine/backbone that REALLY! tends to hurt. I need somewhere I can stay in one place and lay down more and maybe then I could recover . Somewhere readily reachable. to leave things when I go out would help, too.

This is such a distortion. If you played your cards right, you could be housed in an apartment subsidized for low-income and disabled people, but with total freedom to come and go. There are a number of people at WP who have a deal like this.

Further, I promise you I don't dream about you at all. I have better things to dream about!

I take your point, but I'm not sure it would be so simple. I'm disabled and poor and my social worker found me places to live. They were awful and disrespectful and authority-driven. I went on-line and asked for the cheapest apartment in my city and here I am. I can't get my mail and so on. Location is magnificent, what good luck.

My daughter got a Section 8 apartment and it was not bad at all. She only stayed a year because she moved in with her boyfriend when he bought a condo, and they're doing well there. Also, when I worked in community mental health, those apartments were small but clean, decent, and well-maintained. I think it depends a lot on the city and state.

...Briefly, BA, it rather seemed previously that you were not speaking of such an apartment but ordering, metaphorically, me to report to Patterson or similar.

No, A-P. You have a very serious threat to your health and existence by being homeless, I would say that is the very first order of business. Your best plan would be to work with a social service agency to conquer that problem. With that done, all the other pieces will eventually fall into place.

I hope you can build that kind of collaborative relationship. You tend to fear people are trying to screw you over - lawyers, hospital social workers, some of the commenters here at WP - and this makes you withdraw. If you can remember this and overcome your paranoia, maybe you could have a place to call your own.

I really wish BlazingStar lived in California. She works in social services in her state. She can, at least, provide you with general advice about how to go about getting a place of your own. Don't get mad at her if she says something you don't like.

You're not going to like this, I know. But I feel like you will have a better chance to get an apartment if you can look less "homeless." Social services people are reluctant to give apartments to people who seem dirty, and seem irresponsible. Not saying you're either dirty or irresponsible. But the "homeless" image is one of dirtiness and irresponsibility. They might think you might not pay the rent, or you might mess up the place. Try to make sure you give the social services people the impression that you will pay the rent, and that you will keep the apartment pretty clean.

You're a smart guy. You're an articulate guy. I've seen you in action. You have a lot of intelligence. Show your intelligence more. Don't show your anger and fly off the handle about things.

You've had stuff done to you, I know. And it affects you. And it's been rough for you recently. I would never want to be homeless; it's a rough deal.

But I would try to let the past affect you less. Especially with these social service-type people.

...It does seem, BA, that I do get ordered ~ by some ~ to a loony=bin or similar restrictive situation. As for my lack of formal education , you were the one who informed me that my non-luck in NOT having a " nice, wonderful ", " Skinky dinky dee! " HS records office who would be cooperative with me when I tried to apply to uni was something that was my tough luck, that I must NEVER EVER EVER ask for help in getting my screwed-up records situation right - the MOST IMPORTANT THING in the galaxy was that I NOT DISTURB! the wonderful records by doing it ALL alone, despite all that has happened before ~ Despite it being shown that I am unlucky in not having that, to say the least ! I am scum, if I try to get ANY outside help against my terrible situation there! No, I'm not asking for it dow, you needn't scream at me .
Anyway, returning to my objection to a Patterson-style situation ~ With no family/friends near me , I would be all alone, no visitors . What things I had would disappear eventually, presumably I'd never, or next to, go out - All alone, I would have no defense agains a staffer who decides to " play a trick " on me, " put me in my place " ~ And there would be about no/next to exercise & fresh air & exercising my walking ~ " Usse it or lose it " ~ And, for even worse possibilities - maybe a renegade staffer would, say, slip me some roofies and molest me, or beat me up/torture ~ No one cares, effectively, about me ! - or maybe flat out rape me, as drwho/mrspock was fantasizing about happening .

...Ijust re-read dr/spock's me getting raped post, to depress me ~ I'm tearing up .

I guess he got to go to college .

It’s not very nice that you come here and write lies about what people have said to you. Bea Arthur did not say what you’ve written. You are exaggerating. When you’re angry with someone you use the “I bet they got to go to college” line. You went to college for two years according to posts of yours. (And, no, I’ve never gone). I know Bea and others can speak for themselves, but it is uncomfortable to read posts like the one I’ve quoted. I know you want to have a place to express yourself, but when you exaggerate like this you turn off those who might offer advice, or who might reach out and try to help. It’s obvious you feel hurt at times, but you hurt others when you write this way. When I reminded you once about someone else here getting in touch with your old high school, and I tried to find that information for you in your old posts, you lied on here about what I had said and made it sound like I had backed out of helping.

You think you might be unsafe in a group home. Not every where is dangerous. And a group home or SRO is not a looney bin! I would think living on the street would be more frightening and unsafe. You are alone there. I don’t know how you’ve managed all of these years. I don’t think I could make it through a week. But, didn’t someone try to assault you recently? Wouldn’t it be safer inside with a group of people? You seem to think that employees at a residence would take your things. From the sound of it, you have your belongings stolen on a very regular basis right now. How many phones have you had to buy this last year? You say you want somewhere you can lay down and recover. A place that you can leave your things at while you go out. What kind of place are you envisioning? In the last year or so you have had a SRO room, a recovery facility, hospitals, motels, shelters and in Patterson what sounded like a group home.

Most people here have been giving you good advice over the years. A few people really have gone out of their way to help you. A few have been rude, and some blunt in their speech, but almost always trying to be of assistance. You ask for help and advice but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you take the advice offered. Did you ever contact the woman whose information RedRobin got for you, so that you could get your high school records? Wouldn’t it be nice to hold a copy in your hands? From what he said, it sounds like one email and you could have it.

I know that the Haven is a place to vent, a place to write about your problems, old and current, and you use it for that. But if you want input from other people or advice or friendship it only seems right that you don’t turn on the people here. If you just want to write and have no one respond, maybe you could start a thread and call it your Diary.

...In the year-plus I have been back in Santa Cruz, I.........BA did say something like " If you cannot get the proper HS records, without any help, you are not college material, no matter what's happened to you're...Even tbough I DON'T have a " normal " records situation where my records will riasent cabe ;;;–XO

Several people have said if getting your transcripts from a high school is beyond your abilities, then obviously college which is umpteen times more difficult and demanding than that, is going to be way way beyond your abilities. Which I think you know perfectly well. But you as someone said, you make stuff up.

I'm moving into a group home. With three possessions and a handful of clothes.

...A few fast points before I sign off.
I get so tired/exaustex I wonder if I will die of a heart attack. If I only could test...and sleep...more .
There are no, absolutly no, SROs of the commercial type that were in San Francisco fifteen years ago.in SC that I know of. The question is not that things could be safer indoors
THERE HAVE BEEN NO PLACES IN SC OFFERED TO ME, IF AO THINKS THAT THERE HAVE BEEN. BA DID say that getting records with no help whatsoever was impotant proof. Doing something expected, like dealing with grades and papers, is not the same as a mysterious betruacracy that won't"y do what such " norm ' offices ' - and other people receoved . Exra apparently has a supportive family - which is good - and I imagine he'll leave some things at his old home to visit or keep. This phone is INCERFIBLY hard to frAl with, maybe taking four or more pecks to get one letter up properly . I sometimes wonder derived if I will die of CHC during the night .