What’s on your mind? The Haven version.

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I keep replaying moments of being treated unfairly and strangely finding some satisfaction in them, but I can't seem to stop.

Good Idea: joining a small forum for abuse survivors.
Bad Idea: posting in the SA (etc.) subreddit, especially when one’s PM/chat is enabled.

The chance of further education is slim.This result is caused by me and school together.Life surrounded by pressure is about to begin.

I can't stand it anymore. Crying all day.

feel guilty about the spoiled upper middle class brat.

tired of competing and struggling just for a meager existence. survival.

mister redelings owes me a letter of apology and he should pay for my breast removal surgery b/c in 2006, that ass hole had the nerve to tell me "it is lying for you to ask me to call you 'he' instead of 'she' ". (san diego 2006 civil engineer).

afraid of ending up homeless

afraid of getting made redundant. my current job requires lifting fifty pounds. i'm 41 years old and rapidly getting much weaker. will not be able to keep lifting fifty pounds much longer. but i love not having to interact with customers (that much), working outside (almost getting hit by cars, rain, thunder, lightning, hail), walking.

midlife crisis

end of "life"

41 nothing accomplished. no spouse, no kids, no STEM degree/job. not even a professional job. not working @ mcdonalds but totally unskilled job. 41 nothing to show for it. exhausted all the time. even sitting down typing takes too much energy. wanna lie down

Just... Things I cannot articulate.

Maybe I should wish that I can be more selfish and keep all these things for myself.
Or wish to be more egocentric and think that I'm so special that I had thought about something like this?

That I shouldn't bother? Like, at all?
Nevermind thinking about words?

Nevermind ways to describe these things?
I'm not even good at describing objectively concrete things that everyone can see and hear, let alone anything more subjective, obscure and very abstract...


Yes, I seem to be able to word things that others are struggling to describe themselves or struggle to be aware of or known certain things within them -- but I was forced to observe those things.

If labeling it, wording it would give relief, a way to process and transcend, that's what I'd ended up doing.
But I hate words and wording. Because it's just THAT limited.


Sure, if, one day, I suddenly have a cognitive profile of a wordsmith; yeah, I'd able to regurgitate more things I've been forcedly observed by just existing.
But will quickly realize the limitations of language all the same.

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I can post some pretty nasty things when I'm not using Schultz for an avatar such as the letter I just wrote now before I changed my avatar from that pumpkin.

I'll have to make peace with the fact that Schultz works for me. How much like Schultz I really am and in how many ways, helmet and all. Having said that, it was fun having a three month furlough from my reality.

To share, or not to share, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of grotesque perversion,
Or speak out against those evil as*holes
And by opposing end them.

After a life of being almost ignored entirely, could self-validation really be the answer to my problems…?

Not feeling well. I guess I'm having anxious thoughts. I get a lot of those. I'm thinking of how messy my room is.

In which I have my own paths and prerequisites.

If I'm not meant to be one of those... Consistent types that can linearly progress one day at a time, then I had to be the types that had to improve drastically.

In which I found the latter is more true to me.
In which may explain why despite trying the former so badly, and wanting it even as a child, yet never did, never happened...

Yes.
It's a 'goal' of a 'desire' that I will question.
Maybe, I had to unlearn that the idea of such would improve my life.

All because it just. Doesn't. Work.
And I got a lifetime of evidence to back it up.


My conscious sees it.
My subconscious doesn't.

Time for me to deep dive again.
Persuade the background processes.

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I spend most of every day sobbing. My life is completely intolerable. I am so sad and desperate I don't know what to do.