scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-10 the trip was a total failure. I am super depressed. I am destined to failure. I destroy my parent's lives. My pictures weren't good enough to sell, even though they were priced less than half of what their value was. Totally pathetic. Don't give me this economy sucks bullcrap. Others sold. What's weird is that I quit taking my pills a few weeks ago (because I take painkillers and they don't mix with my other pills) and my schizophrenic like symptoms have nearly disappeared (even though I still have a little paranoia but it doesn't take over my life anymore) but my DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) is back and some days I miss 90% of the day and not remember anything that happened during that day. I turn into this 5 year old child which my (the good news) parents report isn't depressed at all and even my shoulder pain and autism goes away as well. Let's hope my 2 year old personality doesn't show up anytime soon. I haven't switched in over a year. I have DID because of the trauma I had as a child. At its peak, I used to have 10 distinct personalities. Yes, I'm basically a walking DSM IV. I actually have the knowledge of a 5 year old when I switch to "Katie." I read like a 5 year old and write like a 5 year old and its embarrassing to switch in public which I did yesterday on my flight back, so my mom was probably talking to me like a 5 year old and people were probably staring and wondering why unless they were a psychologist and they could probably figure it out. I have no career. No nothing. I was excited about this trip for months. Some stars did show up like they promised, but of course the one that I was looking forward to forever wasn't there (Hugh Laurie). So, I'm in a lose lose situation, be on the pills and be schizophrenic or be off the pills and be DID. I bet the doctors haven't come across something like that before! Especially because pills are not supposed to help DID!

-10

-10

Apparently, people with the same interests as me really hate Christians.

-20 i'm such an as*hole

-5, reflective, sad but with a dash of hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dAy7cGbO2U

+ 6.75

6, been an average but good day

0. Sort of feel more hopeful today that I can improve things for the better. I stil dont know how though.

Feel regret for having eaten a whole box of chocolates. I think regrets are not designed very well. What would be good is to have the regret before doing the stupid thing so that I would feel bad before doing it and then not do it. Having the regret now.. what use is that?

4.

Slept better after getting back into my extensive reading habit, but heading for a hunger crash.

-5

School starts on Tuesday and the only chance I have of winning a competition is to cheat. Great!

6, bored but happy, thinking about various things (as per usual)

1

A little lonely, a little depressed, very much bored.

-10, terribly depressed. Every one of my April art shows were a complete failure and I believe I was the cause. I caused this economy to get real bad, people have been reading my mind. For 10 F-ing years, I have made nearly every show a failure except one last year. Whoop dee do. I hate myself and still want to die. I am not made for success. What's that word mean, you know, "success"? Never heard of it before. Not within my reach. I bet the conferences that I will speak at will be some kind of disaster, like their excuses "its the worst one ever" or in the middle of my speech my alter pops out and doesn't know where she is and of course can't do the speech since she's 5. Yay, my mental age at that moment is 5. How fun!! ! I have no clue how DID works. How is this possible? I know I had trauma, but how is DID physically possible in people? I mean, you lose the ability to do things, you ARE the age of what your alter is...well at least mentally. That means, technically when I "switch" I am mentally challenged with an IQ of get this people, (if I did the calculations right) 19! I thought for sure that it would be around 30. With uncontrolled DID, you can't really be a success, especially if you have the little ones inside of you. I mean, how can you if say you have a job and a young one comes out and doesn't know what they are doing? You get fired of course! You also don't want to embarrass the company that you are working for like if you have to work with customers. The average person doesn't even know what DID does to you. And remember I have the autism and schizoaffective on top of that! And severe anxiety (that's probably what caused everything in the first place). I'm just a useless person, totally useless. I have 2 autism conferences in May, along with an art show. All of which I expect to fail...even though before I was so excited about it. I was in Arts Walk, expecting a lot of sales (I mean literally tens of thousands go to this event) and just sold one lousy print and a few cards. At today's art show, I didn't even sell a print, and my prints aren't that expensive, so there's NO excuse! This proves over and over again that either I cause all these shows to be bad, or that my art isn't good enough. And 99.9% of artists never make it anyways and that is my ONLY hope in life. Where do you think they came up with the term "starving artist"? I am just a walking talking DSM IV with no future ahead of me. I don't understand why I was so happy and even manic a few months ago. Failure is the only word I know.

-3

Waiting and dragging time out as much as possible before I get to savor my last sleep before being dragged to school tomorrow. Thinking about starting my homework thats due tomorrow, but pretty sure I might be able to finish it before class anyway due to massive amounts of free time well in school.

2

Alright I guess. I was depressed and bored this weekend. Had some things on my mind, the same old thing that always bothers me.

I do go a few days without it bothering me but other days it infuriates me that guys less deserving than me can find someone on a whim while I am forced to stand on the sidelines and watch their success, not able to find anyone no matter where I look. It's like a storm or inferno that burns inside my heart and soul. On those days if I get a chance to be alone I scream at the top of my lungs until I can't anymore. If I'm not alone it's a silent rage. Once the anger passes I fall into deep depression and cry.

It isn't bothering me too much at the moment so I'd better stop before it does. I've got to find a way get rid of this turmoil in my heart for good. The Feeling Good book helps but it isn't quite enough. I bought another book called "Emotional Freedom" so maybe the two together will be enough.

8, as usual. I'm always at least a little bit happy.

Excited and looking for an outlet for my creativity.