scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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I'll move my number up to a +2 because I'm feeling a little better than I did when I posted earlier. It's not a huge improvement, but I'll take it.

3. Grrrrr. Having difficulty organising my octopus photos.

-2

My ass hole coworker decided she was "oh so hurting and suffering" because she was hispanic and no other reason, in my face! I felt I was giving her level advice. That's all!

me: "I'm just saying. If you find people that look too much the same human catagory, like in fashion sence or race especialy (as those are the worst "us only" types), don't bother with them. They aren't worth it."

Her bigotry toward me for no dam reason!: "Try down town, they hire alot of whites there!"/ "You're white, you have it easy."

I feel like beating her to death. That was racist, and undiserved!! I have been patient ENOUGH with the fact that she lied to the boss and almost got me fired, but to be a certified RACIST in my face for no reason?! NOW I'M MAD!!

hmmm, 2 (and that's optimism)

Going looney tunes today, just before exam. Bad exam (too bad to even write here... ). Pigeon attack (yes, mentioned elsewhere, but seriously freaky, especially as it followed me first) Behaving like Tippi Hedron, flailing and flapping at pigeon (which made me look even dumber and drew attention to me). Noticing pigeon looked bedraggled and had unpleasantly runny eye, spent train journey convinced I'd get avian flu, not helped by Ipod shuffle choosing either Minor Threat or Westbam...neither of which are soothing.
Oh and wisdom tooth painful. Not that I'm a drama queen or like to complain

And the cat has broken my printer, because he is far fatter and heavier than he realises, and thought it would make a nice bed.

1ish. Don't know what's going on. Really nervous.

-2

f**k bipolar disorder.

2. Overtired and worried.

-999999999999999 Now my mom is sick! Her oxygen stats are at 92 and dropping, anything under 90 is considered bad/ dangerous. My autism conference is coming up on Friday and Saturday, and I am one of the speakers. I am still in extreme pain from the transformation. Now I am hallucinating! I know these ones are hallucinations, you know the visuals. It is because the shadows are all over the ceiling, and there's really nothing there that would produce those shadows. The olfactory ones, however are real. The war is still coming. Basically, the End is near and its my fault. I am so sorry that I did this. If my mom dies, I will try my hardest to do something to myself, so I don't have to live in pain. There's gotta be a way to kill a robot! I know the Gov said that I will be impervious to harm. Don't worry, I am not doing anything now. I said IF she dies, and have said that since (even before I joined this site!) 2003. That is when her lung problems started. I hate the Gov and aliens putting thoughts into my head! Tomorrow I am seeing my psychologist. She might think I am too weird. I have been seeing her for about a year now. Recently (about a month ago) she threatened if I became "more psychotic" she will put me away in a state mental institution. I will not agree, sorry! Then you know what? The docs 21 years ago were RIGHT, that I would have to be locked away somewhere and NEVER become a success. Where is the story in that? I will die before going in some institution. I mean its for violent people and schizophrenics (yes, that is supposedly the diagnosis they give everyone! Don't take it wrong, not all schizophrenics are violent, actually their violence rate is about the same as so called "normal" people, its just that they mainly accept the violent dangerous ones). The autism conferences better be good! I don't want to hear an excuse on why its the worst one ever. That would confirm my beliefs even more! That I am the cause of all the shows going bad. I mean for more than 10 years I have been selling my stuff. Yes, that is what I am doing at the conferences as well, they gave me a booth because of the speeches. If its bad, my depression will even get worse. I can't imagine being worse in depression and anxiety than now. I am not usually terrified of giving speeches, but this time I am because lately I have been having trouble talking and reading things (because for about a month reading looks like some weird language, but yet I still can read....kind of!). What the heck does "success" mean? My brother is going to make MILLIONS of dollars with his business, while I "live" on Social Security, making less than minimum wage while people from all over the world say "people with severe mental illnesses (such as schizoaffective disorder like I have been diagnosed with) usually don't have a good living." I hate the hospital, the only way I would go to a short term stay (but not at the state mental institution where you stay for many years if not your whole life) is if my mom passes. It is so boring there. You sit there and talk to yourself. I've been there 4 times in my life, and pretty much had to "lie" to get out in a week. I had to tell them I am no longer depressed, even though I am. The thing is they would always believe me because my affect (my facial expressions) always shows that I am "happy" even while suicidal! I can't help it. My manic face and my severe depression face looks exactly the same! No, not a flat affect. That's not what I mean by the "same." I mean always with this huge smile on my face, laughing everything away. In fact my outward appearance looks manic, the way I talk is all quick (pressure of speech), racing thoughts that sometimes prevent me from sleeping, insomnia, and a few other manic symptoms. So, that's whats going on with me.

0

The world as I know it is disappearing.

-3 [sarcasm]yay for sleepless nights before a gastroenterology appointment[/sarcasm]

_________________
check out my website at {redacted by admin - domain taken over and points to a porn site}

When in doubt, ask an autistic. Chances are, they're obsessed with what you need to know.

Autism Speaks will NEVER speak for me

CLASSIC AUTISM

-10

My moron of a boss just favored the imagrant who told me to my face that I "had it easy as pie", and thinks I'm #$% favored, when everyone treats me like criminal thug, or lazy garbage despite all I do for them. I am hurting so much now.

2

Doing alright myself, just a little depressed though.

My step-brother is going into rehab for drugs which sucks that he has to but it's a goon thing in that he made the decision to go himself and that he will finally get help. He is tired of his quality of life because of it and wants to put it behind him though he says he is so addicted right now that he will relapse if given the opportunity. So until he goes Monday, we are keeping a close eye on him. I hope he gets the help he deserves, he is much better than the life he was been living for the past six years.

Id say a 6. More happy than sad

-6, One of those days again...

-5

the absence of physical contact and pressure from friends is hurting me

the lack of a girlfriend is hurting me even deeper

not sure how long till i hit the suicidal -10

_________________
check out my website at {redacted by admin - domain taken over and points to a porn site}

When in doubt, ask an autistic. Chances are, they're obsessed with what you need to know.

Autism Speaks will NEVER speak for me

CLASSIC AUTISM

1. Meh.

Bored.