Dear freak who I don't want to understand,
I can't believe you lied to me, I can't believe that you were that heartless, I always knew you weren't good, but that bad?
But I can't believe that I believed you. I should have seen the signs, the signs that I wasn't getting happier at all but steadily depressed.
I was happy before you came into my problems. Now I have a scar the color of salmon's flesh from what I've done to myself. Now I've been hiding anything sharp from myself, trying desperately not to relapse. Now I can't stand myself even more. Now I want to commit suicide. Is that what you wanted?
When I found out about the lies you told me, I worked so hard to work myself to death. I wanted to die. I wanted to break my bones. I wanted to be so exhausted that I fall to a bruised, bloody, broken heap on the dizzying, red-stained, spinning grass. I wanted to be rid of my traitorous, desperate flesh. Is that what you wanted?
All you've left me with is a fear of the human race. All you've left me with is a fear of what I once was and still am, deep inside. All you've left me is a fear of the ones that I truly love. A fear to love. A fear that all I know is a lie. All you've left me with is suicide and nothingness. Is that what you wanted!?
You preyed on how gullible I was, shredded my innocence, tore my happiness, my obsessions, my sanity limb from limb! You took my one chance at being who I always wanted to be and ran your grimy fingers all over it, tearing holes in it, withering me, killing me! I have nothing now but fears, bruises, a broken voice, scars, and old habits that I thought I killed! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED!?
I'm afraid! I'm dead! I'm a killer! I'm a traitor! I'm a liar! ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!
I'm betrayed! I'm decieved! I'm my own enemy! I'm nothing inside but SUICIDE! ALL! BE! CAUSE! OF! YOU!
Here's the good parts, Mr. Freak. One, I'm ridded of this beast that plagued me, but of my OWN DOING! You couldn't help me with that! You made me worse when you tried! Two, now that I know it was you aiding me in these thoughts, I can stop considering suicide! You're nothing to me now. Nothing. Lower than dirt. Lower than dung. Lower than vomit. Lower than my own blood that you brought so low! You. Are. NOTHING. I don't need to think that I need to die as long as you stay as far away from me as physically possible! Get off the Earth, for all I care!
All of this.
All of this.
IS. THIS. WHAT. YOU. WANTED!?
This torture, this insanity, this living liar, traitor, blasphemer, cutter, freak, DEATHTRAP you've made me?
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED!? IS IT!? IS IT!?
Signed,
Nairin, possibly known to you as "Squirrel" if you even knew my friend called me that.
To WrongPlanet:
I'm not very suicidal, if at all. I almost considered death. But I never would have been able to do anything.
_________________
"...The heart's desire is found... in an unexpected place..."
Tailchaser's Song" by Tad Williams