scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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I confess.... I don't know what to say, JB.... I wish you strength. Get well soon, man.

(you will)

-20 Had to see my friend's body two days ago and still can't get over it.

The funeral went well but it still seems surreal to me. But what bothers me most, his death could've been preventable.

-10

I broke my leg and I can't move it

0. Stuck in the middle. Can't really feel happy or depressed. Feeling very weird and kind of numb overall. I switched from my initial sample pills to the prescription ones. Both are generic, and supposed to be the same thing, but they're made by different companies. The new ones seem to work a lot faster and better overall, but I'm not at all used to them so I'm feeling really weird.

I'm about a 4. Have some stuff floating around in my head. Concerned about some stuff, a bit aprehensive about going back home after being gone with the kids for a month. Have to pack everything up tonight and tomorrow so we can leave. But on the other hand I'm anxious to get back home to my own room and my own things. I just hate change. Once I'm settled in one place or the other, I'm okay. It's the in between parts that stress me out.

^I hope everything goes smoothly for ya.


I'm not doing very good today. I was feeling OK earlier, but have been thinking alot about life, and some personal things.


No number.

-10 as usual. The story of my life and I know for a fact everyone is tired of hearing about my crap because its always the same. I just have to get it out no one in the entire world even believes me. People who lie need to die, I am sorry about that but that is the fact. I am what's called a realist, someone who only believes things that are based in reality. Most people would call this depression. My grandpa is also a realist and everything he says is real. He said my brother will never get an investor to start a company, I will never be paid to speak, and my business which sucks all the life and money out of my family will never make money. We had a single big order this entire year and guess what its been planned for a year for this order. We have been in talks with the company that ordered for that length of time. I am probably ruining everyone's day by writing stuff. I have been seeing the Gov agents where ever I go. I have a lot on my "mind." I can't say everything on my mind right now because then I will destroy everyone. The hatred is too much. Yes, I have been hurt on every single site I have posted on and its supposed to be a "support" site. Just read my flat line mind to get the rest of my "thoughts" whatever those are. The End will come sooner than 2012.

2ish. Getting real worried. I have a tendency to do foolish things, as per usual, and those negatively affect what's important to me.

Getting close to -10.
Reasons:
Being exhausted and overwhelmed, as usual.

For my application to return to uni and do postgraduate study, I have to have academic and professional references. One of the people who I was going to ask is now leaving the country, and I don't know who to ask, and because things haven't gone according to plan, I've stalled and frozen; and now I'm beginning to doubt that I'll ever get back to university (which is part of my plan to be able to work in my area of interest as a lecturer, which will be easier for me than the teaching I currently do).

I think, but I'm not sure, that I heard my father mention to my mother something about getting my brothers and I out of here (our parents' home) within 6 months. She'd probably be against it, but, if not, there's almost certainly no way that I'm going to be financially independent within that timeframe.

Lack of financial independence. I've applied for job after job after job, and I get interviews, but nothing comes of them. I've had a few of jobs that have ended without me being given any reason why. I do the work that I'm meant to, and I try to do more than my job description if I see things that need doing, and I do my best to be cordial and approachable toward my employer and any other employees, so I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I can think of 2 reasons for the situation/s:
1. I'm doing/not doing something so "obvious" that people think they shouldn't need to point it out to me.
2. These were casual positions. With casual positions, there's no required number of hours per week that employers have to hire you for. It's possible that they only needed someone for a short-term position, but lied and said that it would be a long-term casual position.
The only jobs that have ever worked out are ones that relate to my interest (music), and so far, they haven't paid enough to make a living from.

As a consequence of the above, I'm still stuck living in the same house as my father, who is a jerk who always assumes the worst of me.

I can't help feeling that if I could just complete my thoughts properly; if I was non-exhausted enough to be able to think clearly, I'd be able to figure out where I was going wrong and change bad habits that are stopping me from achieving my goals. However, I can't even think clearly enough to figure out if I'm capable of doing that. Probably not, because at the moment, just forcing myself to get out of bed and out of the house to my job is difficult-bordering-on-impossible.

I've hardly practiced any of my instruments or composed in months, because I've been so tired and overwhelmed after work that I only have the mental and physical energy to read, sleep, go online or play video games. These are my favourite activities, and if I could, I'd do them all day.

Almost noone will believe that anything is wrong, all I hear is "avoidant behaviour" (I only avoid things when they become too painful to handle); "lazy" (I'm NOT lazy, I am overwhelmed and struggling), "you need to be confident" (since I freely acknowledge when I'm good at something, I hardly think I have a confidence problem), "you're so brilliant, I wish I was smart like you" (I appreciate the compliments, but my intelligence doesn't seem to be enough to overcome the problems that my brain has).

My anxiety is ridiculously high. For some time, I've been (I know that this is irrational) convinced that if I cut myself (an old habit), the people who I care about will die. This has been coupled with powerful urges to attack myself with a razor (which are due to stress). Today, the OCD has decided that even thinking about hurting myself is potentially deadly to those who I care about. Writing about it has also been classified as dangerous, but I know that if I don't fight it, it'll get worse and worse, and writing about it is, for me, the least anxiety-inducing way of fighting it.

I just want to curl up somewhere and hide for the next 100 years or so. Failing that, I'd like to be able to think clearly enough to figure out how to make some things easier for myself.

0. Surprisingly so,considering recent disasters.

I was at a friends birthday, My mother allegedly sent me a text yesterday,(she is tech inept, so didn't actually send) and for reasons she cant explain panicked when i didn't reply within 30 mins, and reported me missing to the police. Dragging my son there, in his pyjamas. She then decided to drive round and look for me, by chance found me as I was setting off home unaware of this, had a blazing row with me, and when I tried to get out of the car started crying and hitting me. Hard. I'm covered in bruises all over my arms. And my son is upset. Her house is being renovated, so she has to stay at mine , it's now incredibly uncomfortable.


Worse still the birthday party was awful, the person whos birthday it was decided to tell me he still had feelings for me (we were never ANYTHING, I apparently never got the hint) he was with his girlfriend, so very classy of him. He also tried to kiss me. Somewhat forcibly. I am sick of this, that type of man in self proclaimed unhappy relationship trying it on, it happens over and over and has got very old.

Really wish I could just run away from it all.

((((((((((above posters))))))))

I think I am about a 3 again. I always feel sort of blue and unhappy, for me that is a 3. At best I feel a sort of borrowed, flawed happiness as I know that I will be back at my 3 baseline soon.

I sometimes wonder if perhaps I have more control over my moods than I realise. I have not a lot of control over the basic circumstances of my life, which is at a pretty difficult, unmanageable level.

If this thread was about where your life was I would always post in the negative numbers. But it is about how we feel, and maybe I waste too much time being upset over things that are beyond my control. I dont know. There are many books written about the topic.

One of the reasons I like coming to this board is because reading about the lives of people here helps my life seem average, whereas if I compare it to the common NT life it seems very strange.

Anyway I dont know. My parents are going away on wednesday anyway so I will have 3 weeks with the house to myself. I need to use this time and space to help improve things in some way, but I am not sure what to do with it.

thanks zen mistress, genuinly appreciated. And helping me creep up to maybe a 2.

Hopefully in a month I'll have my home and some mastery of my life back.

5

Been doing great lately.

^
Good for you, man.

~

I'm at 1.... maybe. I was quite overwhelmed at work today (minus 4). Slept too short a time and went data overload a couple of hours after that. Processor went slow and I went somewhat frustrated by this but back 'at' my computer (after dinner) I'm slowly put things in appropriate maps, ordered things and I'm not in the negative cyphers anymore.

+ 2 then, for my mood is my own creation in the end and I have no wish to go down too low a cypher.

(learning still)