Rants

Post Reply New Topic

I studied for years, abandoning at least 60-85 percent of my life for the past 4 years just to get out of all contracts and be free from random interruption, because if I don't want to talk, I dont want to talk, FOR ANY REASON (traffic ticket, nada). and I cant free myself from people always wanting to relate with me, always needing to talk and hear from me, let alone the government. I just want to be left alone until I CHOOSE to talk with another. it's almost ALWAYS someone coming into my zone, and I hate it. I know in my heart (through God) about compassion, but I need alone time to cool down, recharge, take care of my self in the simplest of ways before I respond to another. if I choose not to respond, I"m labeled as mean, unloving, and I dont want anyone to be hurt, but they are hurting ME and I dont want to get MAD. I guess I need a vacation, it's been too long. lol

_________________
Turn away from all the things of men- Turn away from the old deeds of sin- Turn away (,follow me,) ta never feed what's been- Turn away -- Jesus
the five senses are overrated
So, what is this relating thing you speak of?

Some people are so ignorant! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Absolutely b***** furious!

My 'friend' P, the one who's decided I broke up him and the love of his life [not true], was at a friend's house last night when we all met up. Fair enough. He was ignoring me, so I coped by refusing his existance (there's a difference. #1 = knowing the person is there and refusing to acknowledge them, #2 = seeing a blank spot wherever they are, ie, they no longer exist). May seem childish, but he's really scaring me, and his way of hurting someone is to bully them in a really insidious manner. I just couldn't cope with him as well as his friend I (who called me a 'witch' incidentally).

It's traditional to send out an email the next day to thank everyone for the night before. I wasn't included. And of course everyone else simply pressed reply all without looking at the addresses. I only found out 10 minutes ago when my BF phoned me to ask what I thought of P's email.

WHY IS HE DOING THIS?!

It's weird. I've been so much more cheerful lately, but whenever the littliest thing upsets me, I go into complete depression and get all suicidal. Just thinking about certain things makes me wish I was dead. It's exhausting.

Right now, I'd like to give a special thanks to the creators of Nintendo. You have indirectly ruined my freaking life.

what the heck is going on

Bat sized moth has been in my room for three hours but now I want to go to sleep and it's hiding. Tried to kill it when it revealed itself earlier but it's really agile.

Grrrr... I hate hate HATE irresponsible people!
And NO, it's NOT OK to go on a holiday when all the big decisions are to be made and it's YOUR job to make them!! ! It's NOT OK to drop the most difficult things about your job on other people! It's NOT OK to take no responsibility for your own work!

Okay, I think it's finally sinking in to my stupid head. Don't speak until spoken too, the 4 year old is my boss, if i disobey she will beat my head in, and every morning I am to expect the urge to kill myself. If I obey all the rules, I might make it through the next two years.

I am completely alone. Not to say everyone is out to get me, but I'm sure as hell alone. And you know what? I'm gonna be okay. It's kinda like that Whitesnake song. I'm just not the type to have friends. And the one friend I do got is only two hours away. I'll see her again. I'm fine, just ignore this. Its a good distraction from the evil thoughts whisper screaming in my head. I wish it would shut up. I hate it so much. Why can't I control the sounds in my head? It's my freaking brain. Only voice I want to hear is mine. Well, technically so is this new one, but it's even more screwy than me. I'm almost scared of it.

Jeezus, what the Hell is wrong with me?

so f*****g pathetic. why do i still bother. the smallest things are pushing me over the edge. i must not be human. just worthless and unwanted, yes that describes me more.

I am pissed, someone made a comment about a movie that is just a print off of another movie. Are you kidding me? When is the last time you created a movie? Been in headache cove since it happened. Bllaahhh shllaaa shleee kkkkazzaaammm

Again. I try and fail. I'm going to keep trying.

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!

I'm stressed out. Severely stressed out. I'm flying to Budapest tomorrow for the Sziget Festival and I am nervous as can be. All of my instincts are telling me to stay home and the people I'm going with are only making it worse! I'm trying to stretch my boundaries a little bit, confront my fear of the unknown and unpredictable by going to a music festival abroad but it's leaving me very insecure and vulnerable. Making fun of my insanely detailed packing list and my need to know when and where we will be meating each other is NOT helping! I haven't complained about how horrible my nerves are and how much I am dreading getting on the plane tomorrow, so don't treat me like I'm being a diva if I ask for a time for us to meet up. If you enjoy mocking me so much, you should also enjoy trying to talk me out of an anxiety attack tomorrow evening. Argh!

(For those of you who wonder why I put myself through this experience, I have a passion for live music and I really like festivals. It just takes me longer than other people to get used to a strange environment and if I push my limits too quickly, I snap. People insisting that I 'get over myself and stop whining' speed that process along very nicely.)

Ugh....my parents.

They say I am lazy, and perhaps I am...but I am not afraid to work. When I feel like it anyways. For my intent.