Rants

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ugh i hate people. 2012 needs to hurry up

Dreaming with you, OSB, though I'd rather it be December this year instead.

I hate myself. I want to stop hating myself. I keep getting the urge to punch myself in the face and I've done it a few times this week.

I feel like I fail so much as a woman. I don't enjoy nurturing. I don't want kids. I'm attracted to women more than men. I don't like men enough sexually.

That said, I want my bf to sleep with me. He hasn't for a long time. I think this is mainly what's making me feel so bad. I don't want to guilt trip him into having sex with me. He won't talk to me about it; he won't talk about what problems he's going through. I'm so lonely in this relationship.

My problems are not major compared to other people's, but I just wanted to whinge.

I don't want to hang out with friends. I am feeling anti-social at the moment which doesn't include feeling anti-social to this forum though:P My friend's homesick and I need to go with him somewhere so he feels better, but I just want to shut myself up at home. Damn I hate my anti-social periods!

I am frustrated.
How can a man spend every evening with me for 5 and a half months, spend days out, take me to his family home, share baths, kisses and some intimacy, yet still not see me as a girlfriend and still be unable to understand that it is not the same situation as the random people he talks to in his day to day activities? It is like banging my head against a brick wall as I am anxious to know where I am at, and he is not really saying either way when I try and bring it up.
Could a man with AS really be so dense as to not realise how unfair it is to spend that length of time with someone and do that sort of thing with someone, yet not call them his girlfriend?

I have said I considered him my boyfriend, and he simply says that is ok if I want to think of him as that.
I don't wish to simply cut him out of my life, but neither do I want to carry on for another 6 months, with him apparently wanting the benefits of a girlfriend, but without actually considering me as thus.

It is leading me to become very angry, upset and self destructive.
I actually walked out of my own place at 9.30pm just to escape as he was sitting here in total silence after last night's topic and my depression about it. He didn't say anything when I returned, did not try and come after me and simply left and went home.

I have no clue what to say to him to get some sort of understanding of what I want and where we are at.
Why he would bring up the fact I haven't kissed him lately, when he doesn't even call me his girlfriend, is beyond me.

So my only options are to just suggest we part the ways and do not see one another again at all,
To stick purely to talking and watching videos, and absolutely no physical contact,until he decides that I am actually his girlfriend or to carry on and not give a damn what I am, and do everything we were before, even knowing he does not consider me to be his girlfriend or it to be a relationship.

Even being AS myself, I am finding myself beginning to despise AS in the male.

Alarm clocks suck.