scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-1

Call me a little paranoid, but I feel like a small group in my appartment complex are looking at me as a negative gossip target. After the boob fellow walked behind my car, I came home to find several people around the complex scowling at me. Very uncool, not to mention uncalled for. Just because I can't see you, while you imediatly step behind my CAR WHILE I am moveing, doesn't make me a racist. Flipping you off for no dam reason and saying "Go to Africa, tar baby!" might. I suspect he said rubbish bull about me that wasn't true. "that racist b***h tried to kill me" or BS like this.

Two cars were vandalized by mine, and happened to be white vehicles, yet mine wasn't damaged. I took pictures of these two other cars, so I have proof I didn't damage my car myself, and that it happened before. Just in case someone pops my tires next. I can assume someone concluded it was my fault, because my car is white, and was right there, yet undesturbed. Recently another person found their tires slashed out. That's uncool, I swear. I wish they found the one responcible. Wouldn't you know, the staring at me has once again started. Like, where's the proof I'm responcible? Yeah there is NO proof.

I groan when I'm upset, preferably "uh! UH! UH!" and you know I am a self hitter right? Hitting mostly makes slapping sounds, when really... it's not slapping it's punching sometimes. A real problem I have tried to quit. THAT is NOT funny! Especialy when I am slamming my hammer's handle against my arm.

Past couple of nights they said things like "uh! uh.." For over half an hour, laugh loud enough for three blocks, say things like "she" always a "she" in the negative discussion, "f**k YOU, b***h", "I'm going to kick that b*****s ass!" (why not actualy try than just be an attention whore?), "Cry baby!" (I'm sure that worrying about my father's life, getting dumped for a very stupid peeve, my cousin having health problems, and her going to the hospital, not to mention getting bullied, nearly run over AGAIN, and harassed in traffic makes me an infant. BULL!), "Nobody f*****g cares!!"(as if we asked for their thoughts, but then the whole complex has to hear the drama right?), ect.

What really makes me sick to the very core, is how neatly they talk like my ex bullies talked to me, and talked behind my back. I'm expected to "ignore" it and magicaly "drown out their voices", when these people are loud, outside, and I have auditory sensory issues that don't allow me to drown out ass holes easily to start with. Yeah, if I could stop myself from hearing them, I'D HAVE DONE IT BY NOW!

Thanks much, I need all the luck I can get now given the bad luck I have had over the last 17 years on this right knee and hope that I dont get early arthritis.

^Best wishes, with the healing process.

-10

I want to curl up in the corner and disappear.

-10
I finally asked the guy I've liked for a long time out and he said no because he likes someone else

-3

This dissobediant mouse is pissing me off. Some dude out there is pising me off. The louder more abraisive neighbors piss me off, they just do. Holiday traffic, pissing me off.. Filling out more applications just to get benifits, when nobody is hireing in the least, really pissing me off! Being dehydrated, not getting sleep last Saturday, not finishing my story writing all day long, my sore shoulder, my sister's package not getting here yet, insects that keep nibbling on me and jumping off, is all pissing me off to. SO yeah I'm pissed off! I hate Mondays!

Dam life right now, GOSH! Oh don't hit yourself and rant at normal vocal level or yell either. The neighbors will get pissed off. Let's find some way to combine 'destruction' with 'silence'. Is it possible?

^Best wishes to all the negatives.




I'm doing pretty good today, although i feel like I'm in slow-motion. Hmmm....anyway, I'm content to be tinkering around with my projects, tweaking them for maximum efficiency. It's a never-ending process, and i love it that way.


+6.85943

3. Its Christmas eve and the Christmas tree is lit up with bright gaudy looking led lights... my boyfriend is sitting on my bed which has no sheets on it, on his mini laptop. Dog is asleep, having had a sponge bath today, I didnt want to have to wrestle her into a tub so I rubbed her with a soapy, wet towel and poured warm water on her...it got her looking really clean and white... feeling ok except for some reason I wish I had a christmas stocking like i did when I was a kid.. I like to open something when I wake up but I have to wait until other people are ready to open their presents and they dont seem as interested in present opening as me, delaying it for hours and hours.

Anyway should get off the computer, have spent too much time on it today.

-5
I went out for a meal with my brother and my friend today. I paid for my friends meal 'cos a couple of days ago he told me he didn't have any money until January when he gets his next installment of his student loan. Just now I find out that yesterday he moved two of his characters on WoW to a different realm which costs £15 each. I feel used :S

I want to wish everybody a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. <--Santa.LOL




As you might've guessed, i'm in a pretty good mood tonight. Not sure if it's because of the holidays or what. Hmm....I usually hate the holidays. Go figure. I think I'm just in a good mood because I'm actually halfway prepared this year, and have everything planned out. Plus, i made some killer broccoli and cauliflower salad for dinner at dads, tomorrow, and I'm excited to hear everybody tell me how fabulous it is. *is being an attention whore* *isn't actually an attention whore, just thinks the name sounds cool*

Okay, I have to head out, for now. I'll give today a +7.78945.

Merry Christmas to Jawbrodt (the attention whore ), Estafwyn, to everyone else....

I am probably a 3. Maybe 3.1 because it is Christmas... had a sort of nice day though a rough spot in the afternoon because my mum bought me 2 dresses that made me look fat (they were baggy in not so good places) though they were lovely dresses but they didnt suit my figure.

I had to tell her that they didnt suit me.. half an hour of arguing later I have the receipt and can go back to the store and exchange for something else... anyway I guess it is best to be honest about these things.

We went to my uncle and his partner and they had made us a roast, so we sat there on the deck, it was so hot and sunny, a beautiful day... we tried to go check out this mini golf thing my uncle had made but the paving stones were so hot and I had bare feet, I ended up giving up... my shoes were giving me blisters too..

I am usually bloated and overfed on Christmas but I didnt overeat today.. so feel ok but it is so hot so that has made me feel tired.. humidity especially, I think it has been at least 75%... anyway a good day overall I think.

0, things get really boring, it seems that fewer and fewer people start posting, and the thing that REALLY sucks about it is that my favorite members are bailing out.

0. Ruminating, ruminating, runimating. I saw something I really didn't want to, and now I'm ruminating about the same thing I was ruminating about 72 hours ago.

-1
I don't like alot of the pictures of myself.

I saw that pic of you that you had on here a few minutes ago, you look great!

-10

I was put to shame by my own mother, for being the way that I am, after everybody finished Christmas dinner. Some woman at the table told a dirty joke about handing condoms out to homeless men, after having them get their picture taken and giving them $20 bucks. I didn't want to hear any of it, so I got up and walked away. My stupid, worldly mother said, "You don't get up and leave when somebody starts talking that way! You stay and listen!" I was so crushed, that every time she looked in my direction, I looked away. I was close to tears, quite a few times. My mum put me to shame, just for being the way that I am.

I do admit that I come pretty close to being like Mick Avory, at times. It's pretty hard not to, being that I'm just like him in every way. My mum said a nasty thing about that, when I first got sick, back in the summer of 1998. That's a whole different story, all together.

God gave me to my mum, the way that I am. Why can't she just accept that, instead of expecting me to be raunchy like the rest of the grown men and women in my life?

I look forward to the day that I can be the way that God intended for me to be, around my mum, at a social gathering like that. If my mum wants a raunchy woman to be around, I'll tell her, that she can phone up Madonna, anytime, and they can swear and tell sex jokes together, until the cows come home.

I'm proud to be identical to my favourite Kink, though I wouldn't rub it in, as far as my mum is concerned.

Apparently, I'm too innocent and imature for my mum.