Rants

Post Reply New Topic

I can feel my heart hardening like a fossil and I'm becoming a bitter witch. I can't live like this, it's stupid. I don't know what to do. I'm sick of it, I can't take it, I just can't take it, I'm not cut out for it. 25 is old enough. Why do people have to suffer through such long lives. I don't get it.

And f*****g delusional at that. No matter which way I turn is horribly painful. And I can't do a thing about it. There's only one thing I can do to get away from it.

Damn, I can't accept my self, my ability to accomplish stuff and to be social feel like a bad joke I just want to laugh away.
I can do better then I am doing now tough, all is not lost but all is diffecult tough.
But heh, it could always be tougher.
I will get trough I think.
Besides I should cheer up a bit.
I can get things accomplished and I won't get anything done for sure if I don't believe in it.
It could help me to be more optimisic then now. Bad experience makes skeptic and bitter, I guess.
Shall see how far I can push myself past that.
Infact it will probely fade when I gain more good experiences again, just have to make those happen.

Last note, I wonder if I will later look back again and be like: "Damn really? Was I so much struggling with life, come on now.
It's not that hard. It's all going well now. " That would be pretty nice actually.
Reminds of when I didn't know about autism yet and was like: " All will be fixed if I just be more confident, step over my fears and try my best a bit more, then I will have a happy life." LIES! Tough, I guess there is still some truth in that and it infact did go reasonably well with that mindset but ofcourse not all problems dissapeared like snow for the sun.
That did hurt me somewhat, that I still had problems even with a good mindset, tough I guess now I understand it all better I could work at those problems better but then again I will never be like a NT, I guess.
I quite like how I am tough, but at the same time wish I would not have disorders.

Too many people piled-up in my house annoy me. We are not sardines. Stop acting like it.

/rant

And completely sick of people. Urggggg.

/rant2

As a test today, I wore a T-shirt that had "AUTISTIC NINJA" printed on it. But, apparently I mixed it up with my "treat me like a mentally deficient 3 year old" shirt. I've had people stare at my shirt and then treat me like (ahem) CRAP at a RED CROSS blood station while donating, and had someone at a *WORST BUY* walk next to me during a conversation and talk over me. WTF!? Who else here has had that happen?

shadoeslayer: never mind them. people stare at anything different. your shirt sounds mad.

my dad just came home. things are always worse when he's around. i thought id keep studying in the living room though i knew he'd take it as a b***h at vmsmith opportunity. he did. he started off by telling me how id changed my mind about so much and how this proves he's right about everything-" you never used to like mobiles now you never leave it behind, you never wanted to work now you want a job", etc. he doesnt know the reason i never leave my phone is because if he did it could potentially expose parts of my life that im hiding from them and i want to work so i can get money so i can get the hell out of this hole. then they told me they were gonna force me to go to a party. parties are the most alienating experience. they frighten me. of course this prompted a rant about how i never want to go to things with them, how im not part of the family, how i cant avoid people forever, how people talk behind my back. i dont feel like im part of this family. im closer to strangers. i let my friends hug me but i wont let them touch me. then he started on my 9 year old sister. he told her she was fat and she had a big butt and that no one would want to marry her. he then proceeded to tell her that there was a checklist when looking for a wife- a woman must be a good cook, good looking, a good housewife, she neednt be educated or anything... i can see my sister coming to the same conclusions i did at her age. shes glad when he goes to work because whenever we're together he starts yelling.

To be fair if I saw someone wearing that I'd avoid their ass. People probably thought it was a shirt to let you know you're 'special'.

If people avoided me when I wear a shirt like that, I would trash all my shirts and get a bunch of those.

Someone just shoot me, feeling low. Not happy with life. I would like to see much changed. I just am not happy with myself, how I am living life now. I should do more, should accomplish more, should be putting in more effort, should change more, aaaaaah. Almost getting a breakdown. Ah, I have got to stay strong. Cheer up and continue life. I can. I am strong, I will manage trough. I hope

Then do more.

I would but I would fail, I am some soft f****n egg,getting stressed and anxious to quickly, am a clumsy f****n geek, with no skill in reading people, skeptic, sarcastic, wierd, doubtfull, don't even want to change if I wasn't forced just to be normal cause that is how the world is and I have a talent at overthinking stuff and bitchin at my life. thank you. now I wanna sob at my life and die plz. bye. but screw that I want to be stronger, better, blah blah, want to fit in, but I won't anyway, maybe I should just get myself some f****n special living place, cause I ain't accomplishing s**t anyway. Yh positive attitude, I know, I don't give a crap. I tried in my life once to be the most postive I could and I didn't overcome my problems anyway. Yep, should try again, but I tried many times. And yh, no need to tell me to stop crying, I will already. Like whatever, this is my stupid life, I am just gonna live it. And yeah there is people who have even harder lifes. It still kinda cringe worthy to fail to much, anyway, time to shut up. I will just go on trying to be happy anyway, trying to "Improve" myself, and my life won't be getting any better, probely. It could get, I mean if things would work out. Yh perhaps I need a better attitude but I atm I don't have on. so yh. My life is screwed over, k, bye. And Idk even know why I am saying that because life can be pretty great and awesome but it aint at the moment and I am just lost, Idk how to fix it, Idk anymore what step next to take, so I am just left with little hope, k. btw nevermind my attitude, it's stupid, it just my emotion, I guess, I am just... ranting. but yeah. I am just not fit to handle my life. -.- I would try fixing it all if I knew how. >.>

Why am I not just the most postive I can be and do as much as I can and complain less, Idk.

Rant:

My mood is so freaking bipolar it is scary. One second it is all happy and smiles, and then 3 minutes later I am certain there is no getting out of this depression I seem to have magically plunged into. I need to find a way to sort through my feeling before they ruin my mood. My inability to understand my own emotions is rude. It is getting so confusing and crowded in my head I often want to drill a hole in my forehead, so it will go out. And all the time I seem so quiet and peaceful. Some day I am going to explode, and I do not want to be there.

/Rant.

Lat night wasn't good feeling on the brink of a panic attack or something like it and today so far has been pretty horrible, feeling down and upset.

Then I have just passed 2 people in the street who know who I am and have just ignored me. As if I didn't already feel worthless enough. I wish I wasn't so damn sensitive.

I don't really even have the energy for a proper rant to be honest. I can only hope that today is going to improve......

Amen to that!

Yay, I keep working 50 hours a week and getting paid for 40.

work