Suicide

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I thought about it so many times, mostly I resort to the second best thing which is running away. I'd always flee from what made me feel so bad until that didn't work and hen I'd probably suicide

I've seriously thought about it a time or two, but never attempted it, and it's never been as a result of the aspergers's (I've only just found out I've got it) . I've always managed to seek help beforehand before I do anything. I remember crying hysterically on the phone to the Samaritans at one point because I was a second away from doing something to myself and I didn't want to, but I really needed an escape.

It's not that I want to die, it's more that sometime's things get too much and I just want a break from them, and the only way I can see to do this is kill myself. Running away wouldn't do anything, 'cause then I'd just be suffering from seperation anxiety and be feeling worse.

Attempted and failed at 16 - took an overdose of paracetamol that was sufficient to make me feel awful for days but not kill me. Have had suicidal thoughts periodically since then, recently started 'making plans' which I've told my GP about and have been referred to a psychiatrist.

The reasons are complicated so I can't put my finger on 'one thing' but just generally feeling alone, faulty, unwanted, things from the past upsetting me and wanting relationships I can't have etc doesn't help.

"suicide" is only a credible option for those whose emotional homes are by the "sewer" side.

no one has any idea what it is like to lose their life, and the fact they try it out is unbelievable to me.

it is a complete failure of their "tethering straps" to reality that must promote them to say "no" to the rest of their precious life.
people who commit suicide are totally ignorant of how rare it is to be in a "life".

talk about rolling pearls before swine....

All my life I have felt very little connection with other people, very little in common with the human race. I have sincerely hated being human. However, I ultimately found solace and comfort in a deep rapore and connection with nature. I am solidly connected up with most plants and animals, and honor them. The fact I am unable to honor human beings is lamentable. Yet, I am one of the lucky ones. I have very firm grounding with other lifeforms. Some are not so lucky. Their lives are more tenuous. It may be a matter of making the most of one's opportunities. But I doubt it is as simple as that.

Some people must live such poor quality lives of total misery, with little or zero understanding. When they reach out to others, they are pushed away, shunned, abandoned. Or worse. Perhaps they are despised, tormented, and psychologically tortured. There is only so much a person can take before they throw the towel in.

Last edited by alba on 23 Sep 2009, 11:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

I suppose my answer is that I never attempted, but thought of it, but to be honest, I did make an "attempt" but I did it just for attention and I really did not want to inflict harm on myself during the attempt.

I've spent a good portion of my life thinking about it and have a plan for the future. What's stopped me in the past is a lack of a quick, easy, painless method as handguns are not easily available in this country. I have some sharp knives in the kitchen and I know where the arteries are but my god imagine the horror! and I'm no doctor the chance of missing and severing a tendon or whatever and living to tell the tale doesn't sound like it'd be better than my current life. Thought about jumping in front of a train but it's really hard to do, the will to live is weirdly strong and tries to stop you doing things like that as attested by the many 'practice shots' suicides often have before the real one.

The main reason I wont now is I couldn't leave my mum on her own. She only has her mum and me in this country. The chances are if I were to kill myself then she'd be the one to find me and I don't like that idea at all. So any plans are postponed until my mother's passed on.

Strangely suicide is one of the few things i've never regretted missing out on.

this.

Badly depressed a few years back. Thought about it. Having the idea of hanging cross my mind was as close as I got to thinking about how to do it.

I think the gender activist (? is that the right word for hir?) Kate Bornstein has said something very wise on this subject: Sometimes you get into such a stuck place in life that some part of you, something in your life or personality that's no longer serving you, needs to be 'killed off' so that the rest of you can go forward and live a happier and more fulfilling life. The mistake of suicide is believing that it's you as a person that needs to be killed. The artist Alex Grey also said something like this, that part of the artist's path is to be constantly rebirthing yourself - the depression and sometimes suicide for which many creative people are known being what happens when you get stuck in that process and can't see a way through. Doesn't explain all of it, and I think you have to have the inborn chemical tendency, but it makes some sense. (I didn't read any of this till long afterwards, though.)

I was in such a stuck place, and I finally realized, alone at home after I was signed off on sick leave and doing a lot of thinking, that the part of me that needed to 'die' was the part that had been trying to live the way other people thought I should live. The message I was being sent was, in effect: Be who we want you to be or don't bother existing at all. All the most depressed times of my life have corresponded to the times I was trying to 'fake it' fairly drastically in one way or another. Recovery was about taking off that mask, and about getting wise to the toxic people and situations that might try to force it back onto me.

I've gone through periods of wanting to kill myself due to being stuck in a cycle of self-defeating thoughts. The only thing that's stopped me from committing suicide is thinking about how much my family would suffer for the rest of their lives if I did go ahead and kill myself.

I think about it a lot, especially lately. I have at least since I was nine.

Maybe have been within about five minutes of attempting it but at that point my mind just started switching off the mental pain was so unbearable. I doubt I would have then been capable of actually enacting suicide has I desired to.

I get the impression it sort of need planning out. Unless you've got a gun to hand. Although I suppose tablets might also work, but I hear that's an awful way to go...

I made a couple of half-hearted attempts as a young teenager (depression). I've felt worse since then, but have not made any more attempts.

I do that too, but I've learned the hard way what happens if I act on an impulse.

at Hmmmn - IMO it's a very healthy thing if you consider the pain as it shows how strong your desire to live actually is.

It's sad that suicide is such a taboo and a stigma in many places - most people who think about killing themselves don't really want to die, but feel trapped, isolated or out of options. Unfortunately, we are often too self-absorbed to see and especially to acknowledge the signs in others.

I think about it a lot, especially recently, which I feel can’t cope with AS and live , work beside people that there is no connection with them but there is no courage in me to do that .

I attempted suicide once when I was rather young but haven't tried since. Its always on my mind though nagging me.