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Feeling incredibly overwhelmed with living with someone

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League_Girl
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07 Mar 2010, 12:10 am

Auroraglory wrote:
I wish I could live alone.
My spouse's habits drive me insane. He takes towels and leaves them all over the place. He can't put things away. He can't keep things organized even after I explain things a million times. He is plainly a very unorganized person.
He is gone for the weekend and I am feeling so relieved. I am taking time to reorganize things. So that I can have a day to roam about my house. Normally I stay in my room because something is always out of place, and I get dizzy, my throat tightens up and I feel overwhelmed.
I clean, but I do not think it is fair for me to follow him as he does things in the house and be a maid to him. I reached a point of giving up, so I avoid being around the house because I get depressed.
I try to explain how upsetting it is. He says I am just being silly. He can not grasp how hard it is on me. I have been living like this for 10 years.
Any one have any tips. I am sitting in my living room, noticing things are not in its place. I am on a verge of a meltdown.



I can so relate to this. My family also drove me crazy because they wouldn't put things away and they were too lazy to. My husband isn't perfect but he doesn't do it a whole lot so it doesn't drive me crazy. I just tell him to do it and he does. Like if he has crumbs on the counter, I tell him he left crumbs there, clean it up. I also tell him he is leaving things in the wrong spot. Sometimes he doesn't like it when I move his things but I tell him don't leave it in the wrong spot. It just doesn't bother me much like it used to so I have more patience.

But once I moved out, it was so nice being on my own. No more anxiety and being bothered by my family.



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07 Mar 2010, 12:22 am

Is it that hard to keep things picked up?

I lived with my aunt and uncle for a while and they had these rules (eg. wipes the crumbs in the trash, put your used dishes in the dish washer when you are done, if it's full, put them in the sink) and they were easy to follow. If they had a problem with me, they told me. I know how it feels to have a clean house so I listened. I just kept my mess in my bedroom and did computer up there so I am not keeping them up at night typing. I also dared to not play my Wii that required me to jump or run when it be in the middle of the night. I was concerned I'd wake them up with my pounding. Yep I spent all my time in that room when I be home.


granatelli wrote:
Of course I read the OP.

I understand that she is severely affected by the house not being organized the way that she sees fit. It is also my opinion, from what she has posted, that her husband sounds pretty much like a normal joe & that she has extremely high and unrealistic expectations and standards. Unreasonable ones IMO. I'm not the only one that feels this way after reading what she has written. Read the other posts.

What I'm trying to say is that while I understand that having the house slighty out of order causes her to freak out IMO it is unrealistic that her husband, or any other person, for that matter, will ever be able to live up to her unrealistic standards. it's just not going to happen. So she has two ways she can handle it. Live by herself, or, deal with it and understand that her husband has a right to a comfortable house as well. What makes her comfortable is to have everything in order and in it's place. What makes her husband comfortable is to have it "neat enough", because life is just to f'n short to worry about whether the cups are in the bowl space in the cupboard. Reasonable people should be able to meet somewhere in the middle.

Who_Am_I wrote:
granatelli wrote:
It's you, not him.

You have to look at what else he brings to this relationship. Is he a good father? A good provider? Is he kind to you & does he love you? If so, then you're going to have to let this crap go. it's not that big of a deal. Would you rather have a loving husband & father to your child or a cold, robotic neat freak?


Did you read the OP, or did you just go "they have AS, therefore they must be wrong and unreasonable."? I'll highlight an extract for you:

Quote:
something is always out of place, and I get dizzy, my throat tightens up and I feel overwhelmed.


Surely that means that, to the OP, it is that big of a deal. People react to different things in different ways. What gives you the right to imply that they are unreasonable and in the wrong for not reacting in the way that you think they should?



Who_Am_I
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07 Mar 2010, 12:30 am

granatelli wrote:
Of course I read the OP.

I understand that she is severely affected by the house not being organized the way that she sees fit. It is also my opinion, from what she has posted, that her husband sounds pretty much like a normal joe & that she has extremely high and unrealistic expectations and standards. Unreasonable ones IMO. I'm not the only one that feels this way after reading what she has written. Read the other posts.

What I'm trying to say is that while I understand that having the house slighty out of order causes her to freak out IMO it is unrealistic that her husband, or any other person, for that matter, will ever be able to live up to her unrealistic standards. it's just not going to happen. So she has two ways she can handle it. Live by herself, or, deal with it and understand that her husband has a right to a comfortable house as well. What makes her comfortable is to have everything in order and in it's place. What makes her husband comfortable is to have it "neat enough", because life is just to f'n short to worry about whether the cups are in the bowl space in the cupboard. Reasonable people should be able to meet somewhere in the middle.

Who_Am_I wrote:
granatelli wrote:
It's you, not him.

You have to look at what else he brings to this relationship. Is he a good father? A good provider? Is he kind to you & does he love you? If so, then you're going to have to let this crap go. it's not that big of a deal. Would you rather have a loving husband & father to your child or a cold, robotic neat freak?


Did you read the OP, or did you just go "they have AS, therefore they must be wrong and unreasonable."? I'll highlight an extract for you:

Quote:
something is always out of place, and I get dizzy, my throat tightens up and I feel overwhelmed.


Surely that means that, to the OP, it is that big of a deal. People react to different things in different ways. What gives you the right to imply that they are unreasonable and in the wrong for not reacting in the way that you think they should?


I see what you're saying, but surely if it causes her that much distress and she's communicated it to her husband, he should care enough to make the effort?

If you think that this is unreasonable, what would you suggest she do to help herself calm down?

Edited to add: perhaps the OP could have one or two rooms spotless (I'm sure her husband could manage not to drop towels etc in 2 rooms) and that would help her to become more calm. That seems like a compromise between "good enough" and "spotless".


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07 Mar 2010, 12:34 am

League_Girl wrote:
Is it that hard to keep things picked up?


I don't think so. And my wife would be the first one to tell you that in our house, I am the cleaner & one who really tries to pick up after himself (and others too.) What I'm trying to say though is that everyone has a different standard of what they think is good enough. and since people w/AS can be obsessive about their "special interest" it might really be unreasonable for the average person to ever be able to be "good enough" if their AS partner's special interest is keeping the house spotless and organized. Her husband will never be able to care about keeping the house as organized and clean as she will.

BTW. I'd like to apoligize to the thread starter for coming off so harsh. I should have said what I did in a different way.



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07 Mar 2010, 12:39 am

Who_Am_I wrote:
I see what you're saying, but surely if it causes her that much distress and she's communicated it to her husband, he should care enough to make the effort?

If you think that this is unreasonable, what would you suggest she do to help herself calm down?


He does make an effort;

"The rest of the house we keep clean. I feel overwhelmed with his habits. I once duct taped towels all over so that he was not dragging them around. My heart sinks when I see tea towels tucked in a closet or draped over a chair. Oh and he helps with cleaning, but I get agitated if the towels are not folded and lined up. I see cups where the bowls should be. I see papers tucked where my cups should be. I stack my bowls together and to see everything out of order drives me insane"

Now. Who seems as though they are the one being unreasonable?

That's it. My last post of the thread. I wish the OP well & hope she can find peace.



Auroraglory
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07 Mar 2010, 12:47 am

I totally understand the house is a family home. I spend 90 percent of my time in my personal area. I come out to cook and organize. I choose to spend my time in my space so that my hubbie can have his life. On days when I come out and want to hang out in my living room or in my kitchen, i get really overwhelmed. In order for me to bake, I have to spend an hour or two getting everything into place. I have a hard time. But once it is organized, I have my coffee and then bake.
My family has the whole house. I have one room for me that I am isolated to. I do all my reading and activities in there. We have our separate bathrooms and bedrooms as well. My son is being diagnosed with AS. My son tends to hang out with me. He is relaxed with me. My environment is his haven.
So essentially, the house is my hubby's domain, with a room as a shared space between me and my son where we solely do our living.
So do not tell me I have too high of expectations or wanting to be with a robot. I have clear instructions on what will help keep me going or get me to enjoy time out of the room.
I have left my hubbie 5 times. I have packed all my belongings out and gone. If it was not for his love and need to be with me I would probably be a spinster. He is a great guy to want to be with me.
His nature is to be disorganized. My need is to have things in place.
We each have two vehicles. I cringe being in one of his. Because it is messy too. I refuse to go as far as buying a second boat, so thankfully that is well cleaned.



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07 Mar 2010, 12:50 am

Auroraglory wrote:
I totally understand the house is a family home. I spend 90 percent of my time in my personal area. I come out to cook and organize. I choose to spend my time in my space so that my hubbie can have his life. On days when I come out and want to hang out in my living room or in my kitchen, i get really overwhelmed. In order for me to bake, I have to spend an hour or two getting everything into place. I have a hard time. But once it is organized, I have my coffee and then bake.
My family has the whole house. I have one room for me that I am isolated to. I do all my reading and activities in there. We have our separate bathrooms and bedrooms as well. My son is being diagnosed with AS. My son tends to hang out with me. He is relaxed with me. My environment is his haven.
So essentially, the house is my hubby's domain, with a room as a shared space between me and my son where we solely do our living.
So do not tell me I have too high of expectations or wanting to be with a robot. I have clear instructions on what will help keep me going or get me to enjoy time out of the room.
I have left my hubbie 5 times. I have packed all my belongings out and gone. If it was not for his love and need to be with me I would probably be a spinster. He is a great guy to want to be with me.
His nature is to be disorganized. My need is to have things in place.
We each have two vehicles. I cringe being in one of his. Because it is messy too. I refuse to go as far as buying a second boat, so thankfully that is well cleaned.


What about your love and need to be with him? What are you getting from being with him? He might very well be a great person, but I don't think that just wanting to be with you neccessarily makes him a great person. If you've left him 5 times, there is clearly a problem with the relationship, and IMO "he wants to be with me" is not a very good reason to stay. Both parties have to be getting something out of a relationship for it to be worth the effort.


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07 Mar 2010, 12:50 am

Then it sounds like, to me, that what it comes down to is that your "bubble" needs to be enlarged to include not only your sanctum but the kitchen as well. In turn, communicate that you accept that there will be a mess elsewhere at times, but that you need this in order to be able to function. Until that step occurs, it will be difficult to move forward in my opinion. But that's just my own perspective.


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Auroraglory
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07 Mar 2010, 1:15 am

i can handle mess. I can handle an active workspace. If things are being done. I have no problems. It is just he has a nasty habit with just towels and plastic shopping bags and my cupboards.
And yes I do love him. We love each other. The fact that he is still around and able to put up with my "craziness" as he puts it, and chooses to be with me only emphasizes that it is more than a lust relationship that many couples have, and once that need is no longer satisfied, the relationship ends. I understand he needs his "messy space" as much as I need my organized space. He has a whole other area in our house that I dare not peak into or look into. When I go there, I get dizzy. I get severely overwhelmed that I cannot control my tears. I get halfway through that room and I burst into tears. BUt I have no imposed schedule for him to get his space organized. These are our sacred spaces.
I can't handle too much stuff to look at. I need order to keep calm. If I have to have stuff, it has to be in order.
In my parents home it was a very clean home. I had a hard time with my mom collecting so much knick knacks that I always felt stressed there. I moved out on my own when I was 17. I dont like having things around unless it has a purpose. My mom's collectibles did not have purpose.
I also have a thing for noise. I can;e be in a space with one dominant source of noise. I can't think there. Yet, if i have to work in a noisy environment, i add other noises to fuzz everything out. IT is like I blend all the noises so that I am not concentrating on one single noise. In university, the only way I could study was to have my tv, a radio, a stereo and whatever I could do to erase the noises from outside, such as fire trucks, people noises and such.
Any way, I am feeling tired after having to defend or find a place to express what is happening.
I am going through some psychotherapy. I bottle everything up, because I have my fears of being made to feel like a reject for expressing anything. BUt this is progress.



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07 Mar 2010, 2:51 am

I think it is more of a "neat person" versus "tidy person" thing, yes I know it is also AS and NT... but in my experience with co-living, it is a challenge for any neat people and messy people to live together... the neat person shudders at the disorder while the messy person is unable to keep up with all the neatness... I think perhaps some practical solutions are needed.. I think both parties may need to compromise a bit...

It is hard though I know. I am a messy person and have lived with a neat person who was obsessive... I have also lived with over the top messy people- yuck... so I know how neater people might feel.


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07 Mar 2010, 2:42 pm

I felt overwhelmed, before I've moved out, on my own.


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07 Mar 2010, 3:15 pm

granatelli wrote:
It's you, not him.

You have to look at what else he brings to this relationship. Is he a good father? A good provider? Is he kind to you & does he love you? If so, then you're going to have to let this crap go. it's not that big of a deal. Would you rather have a loving husband & father to your child or a cold, robotic neat freak?


This kind of generalisation is just hilarious. Do you really believe tidy people are just "cold, robotic neat freaks"? :lol:

It's probably just a big difference in cultural backgrounds, but the criteria quoted by you for a good husband is miles apart from mine.

Based on 8 happy years with my husband I would say success heavily relies on communication and compromise, not pointing fingers ("it's you, not him") or pushing people to "let this crap go" based on how much their partner earns.


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