May I rot away and return to dust

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Live to fight for a better tomorrow...I almost chuckled at the notion. I don't fight battles I can't win, I'm no fighter anyway. People need to stop overestimating me otherwise they will just end up being disappointed. The continued cycle of agony and despair will continue as this forum has shown in other threads. Hold onto your hope if you must, it still won't change my fate.

At one time I hoped for a person to save me, that didn't happen. I dedicated myself to God, in the end I found myself cursed to this fate of being alone in this desert. I rant here because I have lost my faith and hope that things will get better. All I feel is bitterness towards myself and self loathing, makes one wonder if one must choose the path of darkness to finally gain the death they desire. Must I do something truly detestable for someone to finally kill me? I read about suicide by cop, all it takes is to threaten their lives or the lives of their fellow officers and they will gun you down. Ironically in our family history someone whom we knew of had a mother who went out that way.

But I better say that even I can't do it as I am too frail now to even be a threat to a normal person let alone a cop.

"Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment."

My fight wasn't about hope, i made it reality. For 2 years I kept trying, until i finally succeeded. While hope is the first step on the road, giving up is the last.

Then I give up, let me be slain as an example of the continuation of the cycle and where my hope got me. Then you keep fighting, fight until your last breath as I will be gone long before you.

You dedicated yourself to God, you say? He doesn't seem to have done you any favors, and if you're smart, you'll stop waiting for God to come save you from without. The only help you're going to receive is from yourself or other people.

Why let your body rot? Spend a little time and get yourself into shape; you'll feel better for doing so. Having a weak and unused body is not wonderful for your self-esteem.

You have doubtlessly had a lot of painful experiences at the hands of others, but there are people in this world who would love you for who you are, so don't hide from them out of fear.

I'll echo the thoughts of others on your age. You may have 2 years on me, but you're too young to give up on the world. If you want to give this existence a fair shake, don't take the easy route to oblivion. By easy route, I mean avoiding human contact, and intentionally diminishing your self-concept to help rationalize your decision to terminate your own life. If nobody knows you, you can cultivate assumptions of worthlessness in isolation. You may feel that intimacy will only lead to their mental anguish if you choose to end your life, but by avoiding that risk, you've given up on yourself before you begin. Take a f*****g chance.

I won't claim to know about the depth of your pain, but no good will come from killing yourself. Society will not benefit from your death.

I don't wait for God to save me, I already know thats not going to happen. I gave up asking for help from other people, they are as unreliable as they are uncommitted. A generalization maybe but more often than not thats what ends up happening every time pretty consistently. Then either I give up on them or they give up on me, so we then part ways. A rotten body is an inevitability no matter how hard one trains. All of the struggling is merely delaying the inevitable, one cannot stop inevitability.

The world is a lost cause as far as I am concerned. Society and the world itself will continue on after I am gone, regardless of my actions.

Well I certainly ain't as bad now as I was mentally. Looking back at the stuff I wrote in this thread its obvious you all met me at my worst. Its not like another personality of course but this is me at my absolute mental worst and some of you were obviously on the firing line of that and I am sorry.

But this is what I have to deal with alot of the time when I get to my mental breaking point. I suppose I needed to say these things and I needed a counter to them otherwise I would think they were true.

@Claradoon I might try this group thing but I'm still on the fence about it.

@hale_boop would this count as a passion? (Warning may be a bit too violent for youngsters)

Dawn of War 2 - The Eternal War
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQymeTH5GgU[/youtube]

took me a whole week of work to make that.

I tend to really test people's patience when I'm like this, one of my defense mechanism's to see if you are the real deal and if you really care. Of course as you can tell most people tend to get pushed away when I am like that and assume I am a jackass so yeah doesn't win me any favors thats for sure.