worried i will be kicked out for good...

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Like what should i say to them. i need an excuse to start talking to them. I have only met my uncle David once when i was in new jersey cause my grand dad was dying of cancer.

I have only seen my aunt Beverly when i was a baby so i don't know her at all.

If i could find a way to break the ice it would help. and how do i go from that to asking about moving there. i have talked to mom about me moving there before and she seems to think they wouldn't mind.

i would be paying 300$ a month for room and board and transportation.

I already do number 2. I barely see them at all. They always complain that they never see me. But being around them all the time is so overwhelming because they are very dysfunctional. My dad is always flying off the handle for no reason. I only go out of this area for food or to say hello so they don't get mad for being anti social.

I have been looking into number 2. i am on a waiting list for developmental disabled persons apartments in a different part of the state but that will take years. HUD told me there waiting list takes years but i still need to apply there.

It is a option but not for about 5- 10 years years.
I am still applying none the less.
I started applying because i don't want to be here anyways my dad used to beat me as a child and i worry he may in the future.

i just worry cause i am not able to be fully independent and i have no where to go.

Thank you i really appreciate your sentiment.

You are very welcome! I’m in there trying, to give the best from my experience. And I’m not likely to be right about everything. Please understand that. Okay, with that understood . . .

Yeah, someone’s in the hospital, you really need a family member there to monitor and advocate on the patient’s behalf. It sounds crazy, it shouldn’t be that way. But apparently, it is that way. I think a big reason is that it's so thinly staffed, and then with overtime, nurses and doctors end up run ragged, harried, exasperated, etc. And it sounds like you really did good! And this is an occasion where OCD plays to strength.

One thing that sometimes helps me is to give myself permission to be obsessive-compulsive about some things, like doing my taxes or filling out a form for a my birth certificate, and in a roundabout way, that kind of gives me permission not to be obsessive-compulsive about other things.

And sometimes, if I feel an OCD episode coming on, if I think the subject matter is less important, I can sometimes choose the shorter version of the episode, with a sense of humor. For example, I might check to see if a letter is properly sealed, giving myself permission, alright, if you really feel . . and a little bit a sense of humor about the whole thing. Sometimes. We human beings, myself fully included, are simply too complex for something to work all the time.

So, you did good!

Wow. That’s real serious. One thing is to learn how to block blows without giving blows.

Your family sounds a lot like my family. In 1979, when I was 16, our house was flooded. And in the stress of living in a smaller house, dealing with the insurance and contractors, my Dad became violent (again). He had been violent before, but it was more serious this time.

After two years of college, I came back home in 1984 and lived with my parents for a year.

I lived on my own all the way from 1985 to 2008. In Oct. 2008, I moved back in with my parents.

if you’re Dad becomes violent again, immediately leave the house, maybe for just a couple of hours, maybe for all day. Write down what your Dad did in a plain, declarative sentence.

‘You tried to hook your finger. Dad, you tried to hook your finger.’

‘Dad, you jabbed your finger into my stomach.’

‘And you tried to hook your finger.’

This is something my Dad did when I was 17. And he never really acknowledged or apologized, years later, but he mainly blames me for making too big a deal out of it.
My Mom justifies or minimizes, kind of, what she’s really doing is focusing on the fact that I’m upset, and saying anything with the goal of me not being upset, as if it’s purely internal. As if we don’t have an actual, bonafide problem to solve, when of course we do.

My Dad grew up in an abusive home. My Mom is probably Aspie. And there’s some things she just doesn’t see, doesn’t see the significance of them.

My Dad is also given to preaching and pontificating.

Okay, if violence happens again, try and recruit a former teacher, a coach, a community leader (ask lightly, you might not know them well, their immediate response might be they don’t want more case load). Even ask a neighbor if it comes down to it.

For various reasons, it’s not a great idea to hit your Dad back, unless there’s just no other way. But sometime like Taekwondo (Korean) or traditional karate (Japanese) is great at good strong accurate blocks. And after a couple of classes, if the instructor seems like an okay individual, tell him or her that you have a difficult and potentially dangerous family situation and you want to practice blocks without hitting back.

All the best! People are pulling for you here. And, at the same time, don’t let a bad family situation isolate you from the world (like it has done me at certain times). Maybe there’s even a Pagan group in your area (European pre-Christian Earth-Centered, right? Although I know that’s just the beginning and it can go in many wondrous directions from there) Or maybe there’s a canoeing or kayaking club in your area. And I have visited both Democratic and Republican clubs! (I tell people I am an independent and a moderate, which is kind of true, and I often do better at the Republican club because I’m not expecting to agree with them! And I think there’s often a luck factor in which I more remember the good conversations at the Republican club)

Okay, about your Aunt and Uncle . . .

‘As you might know, I’m still living at home. Things are a little tense between my parents and myself.

‘I wish to ask if you might consider letting me live with you. Perhaps we could try it for a couple of months and then see how it goes.

‘I probably have Asperger’s Syndrome, which means I’m good at some things but struggle with others . . .

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And of course you have to personalize it for youself.

If you write a nice letter and then ask, they might think the nice part is insincere (maybe, this is kind of where I’m in the Anthropologist from Mars mode, for I don’t always know how ‘normal’ people think and feel, yes, yes, I have a lot of overlap with ‘normal’ people, of course I do, but I’m not quite sure where the areas of overlap are and where the areas of difference are.)

So, you can just be direct, polite, matter-of-fact. And use medium disclosure. Again, you really don’t know them. So, disclose a medium amount and see if they reciprocate in turn.

So, you kind of ask them in the beginning and then you write the nice part. And I recommend keeping the letter to easily one page.


And kind of assume that anything you put in the letter will come back to your Mom and Dad. It may not. But this is kind of the cautious strategy. (Again, Anthro from Mars perspective, NTs tend to take anything in writing very serious, as if they expect writing to be insincere and pro forma, and when it’s real, Wow, it really shocks them. This is both good and bad. As a writer, it reminds me how much power good writing has. But in family situations, it is a reason to move cautiously)

Maybe down the road, once your Aunt turns out to be a pretty okay person, a kitchen table discussion, then you might share more with her.

I've had a bit of a think about the moving in with your bf idea. I'd say to check and see what kind of rules there are about the relocation.

I do think that changing your therapist may be a good idea as your current one seems to be ineffective and harmful. The aim of therapy or counseling is to help the client to deal with their issues and help them feel better. I've read a bit of your blog and it seems that your current therapist isn't helping you feel better or helping you deal with your family better or helping you develop your confidence. Please think about what you want to get out of therapy and then think about getting a therapist who can help you get that.

I hope your life improves.

I have never hit my dad back. i would only try to run or hold my hands over my face so he couldn't get me.

i have trouble going out much but i do have a friend my age i am hanging out with. i actually helped her plan her weading, she got married today.

My parents haven't brought up the subject of me moving out again. i think it is mostly my moms therapist that is pushing to get me kicked out. she even asked me if i was violent. i knew what she was getting at. she was trying to say i was a danger to others so she could backer act me. i said " no i sometimes snap at my mom when i am stressed but i always apologize for it after." then she said i was dangerous and abusive. even my mom couldn't understand how i am abusive. everyone snaps at each other when they are stressed. its not like i scream at her or anything. i just get a little short.

So she said i am abusive and insinuated that i am a danger and need to be locked away.

My boyfriend said i should secretly tape the next session to prove how verbally abusive she is so if she tries to get me locked up in a mental ward i can show evidence that she is lying and have her license revoked.

I can never really tell what my parents are going
to do next. i really thought they were going to kick me out. but i think they have been distracted by a recent drama.

My dads business, our main source of income lost 8 thousand dollars because the supervisor of elections wont pay my dad for the job he did for them . and unless they pay us dad will have to close the business. we are probably gonna lose the house too because we stopped paying the mortgage months ago.

I really cant tell with my parents, because they are always telling me drama like this and it never pans out. i just am so stressed with it all.

I really think that changing your therapist is a very good idea. Your boyfriends suggestion sounds really good too.

You should see if there's subsidized housing in your area. If there is, than you might want to consider getting a place of your own.

She's already talked about sudsidized housing and there's a long waiting list.

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just-me, I'm working on a post. Generally, I very much recommend that you back away from this so-called "therapist" as if from a rattlesnake (among other things, there's almost a conflict of interest. She's your Mom's therapist, and now she's trying to slam-dunk you?)

And I recommend you try and get an Aspie-friendly therapist to for back up if necessary. That is, if push comes to shove, you have someone advocating on your behalf. Similar to the attorney-to-attorney-respect-principle.

Fortunately, I think the odds of her either trying to get you locked up or succeeding if she does try are only 5%. So, 95% chance, you'll be safe even if you do nothing. But, that 5%, perhaps not to be entirely discounted.

So, if possible, get someone on your side. And an Aspie group for your city or state might be able to give you so leads, possibly, or there's always that Kevin Bacon, 6 degrees of separation, even if you call a therapist at random, 'Can you recommend someone who's helpful and supportive for Asperger's Syndrome?' Six calls and you can get a world expert (on average!), although you don't need a world expert, you just need someone local, who's kind of good, who's supportive, who's Aspie-literate and Aspie-friendly.

Just be very direct with this person, ‘I think this lady is trying to Backer Act me, just because I disclosed that I sometimes snap at my Mom. And she’s trying to make more of it. She’s trying to put words in my mouth. She’s trying to put me in a box.’ Something kind of like this.

Again, back away from this lady as if a rattlesnake!

maybe you could just tell your Mom, 'Mom, I don't think she's helping me.'

and it sounds like your Mom has seen enough and heard enough that she'll understand

okay, the thing with possibly using a tape recorder. if we lived in a truly moral culture, where we care about how those in vulnerable positions are treated, and all that, then maybe. But we don't live in such a culture. Not even close.

My own experiences of trying to report the therapist who didn't take my Dad's violence seriously, at age 28 and age 35, to four different people including two who had direct duties with ethics in their professional society, one lady who didn't have official duties was halfway helpful. The two people with official duties not so swell. One guy in frustration said “Have you tried talking with Dr. Smith about this!” And later in the conversation (if you could even call it a conversation) he used the word "dilemma." They seemed to use the least little excuse, or any available excuse, to brush it off. Didn't want case load.

So, a tape recording, I think it would give them an excuse, it would probably play like offsetting penalties in an NFL football game. Shouldn't. but probably would. Too big a chance they will describe it as a secret recording or describe it as "unethical." When of course what this lousy "therapist" is doing is ten times as unethical. And in addition, you re the person in the vulnerable position. And you have every right, every right in the universe, to tell what's going on in these sessions. In political terms, yes, you have the right to speak truth to power. but the way too many of our institutions currently work

Well, with a good therapist, he or she will know this kind of bad stuff goes on all the time and they don't need a tape recording to be convinced. With a lousy therapist, let's not even use the word bad just a lousy one, or a pro-status quo one. a therapist who believes the status or reputation of the profession, . . . they're more concerned with the reputation of the profession than about the welfare of the human being and a tape recording just makes them uncomfortable. Or they're more concerned about feeling good about themselves, or something, something other than the welfare of the client.

But anyway, it's the good therapist you want to spend time with.

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Now, it kind of sounds like your Mom might be present when you talk with the "therapist"? Or it's some type of family therapy? If so, that's a good thing. Your Mom is a witness

avoid talking with the current "therapist" alone. Too big a chance that she'd be even nastier then. She seems to be personally invested in "being right", she's already gone too far off on a limb, seems to feel the need to "win", and at your expense. It's probably best that you simply stop attending. In a lot of cases, i might recommend a one-sentence deflecting reason. But in this case, not even that, just stop going, no reason necessary

Or could also give your Mom a half sheet of paper. 'Mom, why I feel she's not helpful' I suggest this because maybe you feel motivated to attend to see what she's telling your Mom (a little of that goes a long way, kind of reminded of when my Mom attended an evangelical church to see what they were telling me and my sister when we were teenagers. It didn't play that well, even though the intention was good. My Mom was too verbally critical. She should have primarily modeled nonreligious humanitarian behavior. Even though I eventually rebel. I had to rebel, had to. Now I am happily agnostic) And in part, I guess I'm saying in some ways you might be more mature than your parents. So, I guess you can be a coach to them, not primarily verbally, a little of that goes a long way (the half-sheet of paper to your Mom, only if it really, really feels right) but a coach primarily in example. without being perfect, and with giving yourself full permission to be human

Again, here is wishing you All The Best!

And not just the mistakes this so-called “therapist” has made, but think of the opportunities she has missed to actually be helpful . . .

‘Okay, so it is cramped living at home. Plus, we have the economic issues going on, as a lot of people face these days.’

‘Maybe if when a person first comes home in the afternoon or evening, they are given some space. And then they can be social at their own pace and in their own time?’

Since you are unable to care for yourself have you thought about living in a group home? They have group home programs where you can work in the day and stay there at night for those who have aspergers, autism, or can't care for themselves on their own yet.

yes i have thought about it but i think it would be a bad idea. i have been warned by other members here who live in them. they say they are terrible. some of the people who work there are very verbal abusive and controlling.

I want to move to a better place, not one that is bad.

But thanks for the suggestion. i appreciate it.