Butter Knife

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Butter knives are silly. Who invented them?
You can spread butter just as well with a regular knife.

You shouldn't lose hope. Things will get better, as time passes on.

This was exactly how I was feeling earlier this year.

Depression like this tends to, to be blunt, f*** with your mind, over-exaggerating how bad everything is, more so than it actually is. Depression, and suicide ideation, aren't logical - whatever those two tell you is false. For example... you're not a waste of space, despite what it tells you.

Do not gravitate towards suicide.

Regarding the 'luxury life' comment, I'm seeing something I recognize: Correct me if I'm wrong, but do any of your thoughts consist of "Why am I depressed, if I've had everything go right? If I haven't had any real problems? I can't even get that right." Just curious...

I mean, to elaborate on that, depression affects all people. For one thing, the issues encountered with AS do qualify as a "real problem" that can lead to depression - it's just as real a problem as any. And yet still, some people who seem to have everything in life go well for them - athletics, social relationships, academics, religion, family life - still can encounter serious depression. Don't question the reason for it, necessarily, as much as figuring it out and then deciding what to do with it.

I know this doesn't sound like it will make sense, at least, it didn't for me at the time. But a lot of exercising long-term can help. Good eating habits. The latter's even more questionable, with depression sometimes interfering with motivation to eat. If there's any guilt regarding eating (not anorexia or bulimia, but in the similar umbrella), just pay attention to what you're eating, nutrition-wise. But these kinds of healthy habits do more good than harm. And I hate to mention this, as it's even more difficult to consider (and it's more controversial), but finding a specific belief system may also help with depression. It isn't my job to sway you a certain way, but some people have been helped greatly by their faith in something.

Just suggestions, not going to force in any way.

A few more things. Find something you have a lot of interest in. Art, Film, Music, Foreign Languages, Mechanics, anything, that you can turn to - This can be a ton of help. And try new things, to find something that you can stick with. I've had multiple depressive episodes, and one I had at least two years ago (which included suicide ideation) was pretty much ended right as I discovered music (since I wasn't really exposed to it growing up). That was the thing that got me out of it before it went into more of a problem.

One more thing, getting professional help can be invaluable. But be very wary regarding medication. Earlier this year when I had depression, the first thing I was really given was a simple antidepressant, and prior to taking it, I wanted to die but not to kill myself. Soon after I took it, I was planning out ways I went towards killing myself. I'd recommend therapy over that - but that's also pretty difficult to work out.
If you can manage it, I'd recommend bringing it up to your parents (you don't necessarily need to bring up serious details like the butter knife, right away). Your parents may not believe you at first, but it's better than them not even considering such a thing, and accusing you of being lazy, which can lead to more problems. I really hope your parents are understanding.

And sorry - one last thing, you're not alone. Another depression trap, especially wish AS, is that it tells you this. This forum alone should be a reminder of that. There's others like you who have had the same troubles, even with depressin.

Sorry for the long post, but if there's any way I can help with AS and Depression, I try. I hope in the end, this resolves itself.

I don't want to come off as a psychologist or anything, but that's really just the depression speaking. From calling yourself a selfish jerk for that reason (I'm pretty sure that there's a "real problem" lying there.) to calling yourself the problem, and every little thing, is typical depression. It blows things out of proportion, and seems uncontrollable. (It's not your fault for being depressed, or for anything.)

You know, sunlight and fresh air can have anti-depressive effects. Cooping yourself up, while comfortable, makes it worse.

Jookia,

The issue is simple. Either you will take steps to break your own depression or you will not. None of us can magically end your depression. I know there are many here who, if they could wave a magic wand and make you feel better, they would, but that is impossible.

Life is made up of hundreds of tiny choices that you make every day. Will you have oatmeal or will you have toast? Will you take out the trash or will you let it sit for another day? Will you go for a walk or will you sit staring at the TV until its time to go to bed? The sum total of your life is not some great event that happens to you, but the slow accumulation of all the tiny choices you make every day.

And then there are the things that we are burdened with and have no control over. Some people have depression. Another person may be hit by a car and become a paraplegic. Another may grow up in a rural area never reaching their full potential because they are the sort of person who fares better in a city.

You don't have control over every aspect of your life. But you do have control over some things. You have control over the many little choices you make every day. With each small choice you face, think about which is the better choice for you. Even if you just increase the better choices by just a small amount, you will still be better off than you were before.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone on the internet thinks of you. It matters what you think of yourself and what you are willing to do for yourself.

Good luck

Hi Jookia,

I've been where you are, and there are days when I still am. Btw, I'm 31.

I don't know what else I could say that everyone else hasn't said already, except that I do care.

You are not a waste of space. At 15, you don't know what may lie ahead of you in life. I first felt like you did at the age of 10--I'm glad I didn't end things then, or ever.

There have been periods where nothing seems to be improving. Right now, I have a part-time job at a fast-food place and can't seem to get hired in my field. I just got turned down for a job I thought I'd be perfect for. I've been royally depressed for a while...but I'm not giving up, and you shouldn't either.

PM me if you want to talk. I mean that. Please don't give up on life.

Take care.

OP i have to agree 100% with everything you posted. I dont think im a waste, i know im a waste and it would benefit dozens if i wasnt here anymore being the pest that i am. im about as self sufficient as a wet cigarette. and about as usefull as one too. only thing i dont have are addictions and sometimes id prefer to be an addict and happy than healthy and sh***y.

I can't take life. I really can't. Maybe I'll work up the courage to kill myself.
I should've never come back. Goodbye.

Jookia - do NOT ever attempt this, ok?
You are WAY TOO VALUABLE to do such a thing to yourself.
Never, never attempt this stuff.
Life will get MUCH better, believe me.
Never attempt this.
I know the feeling of thinking that no one understands me, so in that case, we share the same feeling there, so believe me when I tell you - I DO understand your feelings and concerns.

*Hug* I want to see you feeling well and better, Jookia. You deserve to live a long, healthy life.
Bless your heart. xxx