Joe90 wrote:
I have a healthy, slim body and look attractive, which is why I'm not suicidal, plus I have a fear of death, and I don't have the guts to do it! But I still hate myself. I hate being me, and I hate all of my uncontrollable abnormal embarrassing habits. My next door neighbours have even stopped speaking to my mum (apart from general greetings when they pass eachother), and I wonder if it's because they've heard me yelling and screaming and going ape when I have my frequent outbursts - and it's probably freaked them out, and I don't blame them. They see me as a normal independent adult when I'm outside - always looking nice and smiling and going out to work - and then they hear all this all-mighty screaming and swearing coming from my house every few weeks, and they probably wonder whatever's going on, I've got such an ugly voice what seems to carry, and it's so embarrassing. Since I have realised how embarrassing I sound, I've learnt to tone down my screaming and yelling to a minimum, but I just wish - oh so much! - that I could turn the clocks back and not have had any manic outbursts since they first moved there (which was 3 years ago). The trouble is, some (not all) NTs don't understand people with AS, if they don't know the situation. It's really hard for adults who are mildly affected by AS, because I act normal and genuine most of the time, and then when I have these stupid outbursts it confuses NTs. If you have a disability where you don't have any self-awareness and/or don't really understand and/or care what other people think of you, it's more OK because they understand more. But when you come across as normal most of the time to other people, then suddenly find yourself screaming manically and shouting out very inappropriate words in sheer anger (like words what are worse than f**k), it makes things socially worse for yourself.
I've even shouted out embarrassing things when the back door was open and the neighbours were out in their gardens. Like when my brother farted, and I got angry, and shouted, ''DON'T FART!! !!'' really loud - and forgot that I was standing right by the back door and all the neighbours were out in their gardens!
WHY DOES ASPERGER'S HAVE TO INCLUDE OUTBURSTS?! !! If so, why does it have to cause me to act like a maniac?! I f***ing hate Autism!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !
Hang in there, we all get outbursts. My theory on the 'Why' is its a built-up mismatch with the goings-on around us - and frankly a good chunk of those goings-on are inane, moronic, unnecessary NT meanderings rather than anything perpetrated by a rational being.
Speaking personally, I have 'voices' - not audible just impressions - that poke and prod me. I am now finally starting to realize they are just left over tools from when I was growing that have become hideously misshapen due to this mis-match with the NT world.
I just have to put the bad tools in the bin, modify the almost-ok ones to modern usage, and make some new ones.
To my amazement its starting to work, and I feel stronger than ever before.
15 Sep 2010, 7:36 pm
