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Velociraptor
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06 Nov 2010, 12:40 am

Over the years with the friends I've had, I am a pushover most of the time and tread likely in fear of losing my few friends. I, however, have lost those friends despite treading lightly. This friend is the only friend I get into arguments with, I try to avoid them. She's just so.... ridiculous. I get the feeling we've been getting into more arguments recently because I'm getting tired of her stupidity. I used to have a really long fuse when I spoke to her, now it's always instantly at half, so it seems.



Chronos
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06 Nov 2010, 12:52 am

Scanner wrote:
Over the years with the friends I've had, I am a pushover most of the time and tread likely in fear of losing my few friends. I, however, have lost those friends despite treading lightly. This friend is the only friend I get into arguments with, I try to avoid them. She's just so.... ridiculous. I get the feeling we've been getting into more arguments recently because I'm getting tired of her stupidity. I used to have a really long fuse when I spoke to her, now it's always instantly at half, so it seems.


It is a strange truth but if you treat people so well that you are a pushover, people will treat you worse than they would if you weren't such a pushover, and they will get more upset when you finally do stick up for yourself.

That is most likely why treading so lightly didn't save any of those friendships.



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Velociraptor
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06 Nov 2010, 1:04 am

I should have been tougher, it's so hard for me to make friends now.



SaNcheNuSS
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06 Nov 2010, 1:05 am

what do you mean that you are a pushover?



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Velociraptor
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06 Nov 2010, 1:07 am

I try to argue as little as a can and will agree with people or give passive answers. If they want something I'll usually oblige. I tend to let go what friends say to me when it's rude because I don't want to end up in an argument.



SaNcheNuSS
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06 Nov 2010, 1:10 am

do you like this role or would you rather be the leader?



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Velociraptor
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06 Nov 2010, 1:13 am

Hate it, it's annoying to not have friends that treat you equally as their other friends. I don't want to be a leader either, it's too much to deal with. I would have to deal with multiple people I'd imagine if I were the leader of a group of friends. Maybe i'm taking "leader" the wrong way.

I've become less tolerating over the years, but I also don't have many friends to really know if this is true, but I believe it is.



SaNcheNuSS
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06 Nov 2010, 1:19 am

start a circle of friends outside of your current friends and try to learn more of a commanding role. You see, you saw what bad leadership does and how it makes you feel. Be the leader that includes everyone in the group.



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Velociraptor
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06 Nov 2010, 1:20 am

That could work, I just have to find a circle, which is pretty hard.



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06 Nov 2010, 1:35 am

It's not hard if you look for friends with attributes that suite you. Take whatever you are good at or what you like to do and zone in on those types of people.



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06 Nov 2010, 8:31 am

Scanner wrote:
Over the years with the friends I've had, I am a pushover most of the time and tread likely in fear of losing my few friends. I, however, have lost those friends despite treading lightly. This friend is the only friend I get into arguments with, I try to avoid them. She's just so.... ridiculous. I get the feeling we've been getting into more arguments recently because I'm getting tired of her stupidity. I used to have a really long fuse when I spoke to her, now it's always instantly at half, so it seems.


It seems like you tend to take the subordinate role often and you don't want to, but also do not know how to change it. No one wants to be a chump. What makes your friend so stubborn? This argument also seems to be about the fact that you were assertive for a change and your friend didn't like it. In other words, you're trying to change and this makes your friend uncomfortable. Be patient with her, but also hold your principals.

Also, you can apologize for using obscenities to her without apologizing for the original issue.



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06 Nov 2010, 4:22 pm

She should be the one to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong.


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07 Nov 2010, 12:41 am

Scanner wrote:
I had an argument with my friend over a phrase I say "and how is that going", it referrs to all the events leading up to an event, but for some reason she had an issue with it that day. She kept arguin gwith me over it and i was annoyed and she whouldn't shut up so I hung up. I called back asking if I can get a word in so I can explain and she hung up on me saying that i was wrong for hanging up.

She hangs up on me all the time if I say something she doesn't like something I say or if I talk too much, but I can't? I found her to be a hypocrite and called her "a dumb f-ing bi**h" after I was upset. She does this to me often, she cursed me out and hangs up on me but I don't get so upset, I got upset at her hypocrisy. She now wont talk to me until I apologize and considering I only have two friends I should handle the situation.

What I don't get is, why? I was upset and I cursed her out, I was only upset because she wouldn't drop the argument, I even said "it's just a misunderstanding, we both just misinterpreted" but she wouldn't shut up and kept going on saying "no you were wrong", despite the fact I've been using this phrase for over a year.

I'm not sorry I cursed her out, I was mad, she was being dumb. I'm confused, she knows I wont apologize and if I do it's fake, so what's the point?

your phrase to her sounds sarcastic when i sound it out in my head. did you say it to her like, "and how is THAT going?" because if you did, it could definitely make her angry.


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07 Nov 2010, 11:09 am

I know you want to hold on to your friends, but this one is TOXIC. Treats you like crap and if you even try to do just a bit of what she does to do, she goes psycho at you. I'm probably exaggerating but hopefully you sort of get what I'm trying to say. You don't need a over-dramatic hypocrite verbally and emotionally manipulating you.

When I first started the whole socializing/making friends stage I had a policy that it was better to be alone than to have a bad friendship or relationship. I still follow it to this day although my circle of friends have expanded beyond 1-2 people so I just break ties with the person or subgroup which is causing all the trouble. It seems counter-intuitive as a way of making friends, but if you're strong enough to be able to recognize and get rid of the bad relationships you'll have a confidence or assertiveness that is more attractive to the right kind of people and you'll be better able to recognize and keep a good relationship.



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Velociraptor
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08 Nov 2010, 12:47 am

hyperlexian wrote:
Scanner wrote:
I had an argument with my friend over a phrase I say "and how is that going", it referrs to all the events leading up to an event, but for some reason she had an issue with it that day. She kept arguin gwith me over it and i was annoyed and she whouldn't shut up so I hung up. I called back asking if I can get a word in so I can explain and she hung up on me saying that i was wrong for hanging up.

She hangs up on me all the time if I say something she doesn't like something I say or if I talk too much, but I can't? I found her to be a hypocrite and called her "a dumb f-ing bi**h" after I was upset. She does this to me often, she cursed me out and hangs up on me but I don't get so upset, I got upset at her hypocrisy. She now wont talk to me until I apologize and considering I only have two friends I should handle the situation.

What I don't get is, why? I was upset and I cursed her out, I was only upset because she wouldn't drop the argument, I even said "it's just a misunderstanding, we both just misinterpreted" but she wouldn't shut up and kept going on saying "no you were wrong", despite the fact I've been using this phrase for over a year.

I'm not sorry I cursed her out, I was mad, she was being dumb. I'm confused, she knows I wont apologize and if I do it's fake, so what's the point?

your phrase to her sounds sarcastic when i sound it out in my head. did you say it to her like, "and how is THAT going?" because if you did, it could definitely make her angry.


I don't emphasize things, I sound bland most of the time. Sometimes she thinks I sound snobbish or sarcastic, but she's admitted that it's more based on how she feels towards me than how I sound, she then went on to say I sound the same all the time.

I just say "and how is that going" in a normal tone, she knows what it means, I've been using the phrase for over a year now.

I'm hoping that if I less passive that she'll get used to it eventually.



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08 Nov 2010, 9:55 am

Scanner wrote:
She says my Asperger's is the reason there is a strain on our friendship.


:? gee.. Can I accept this "Your AS is my problem" as the opposite of 'crutch', because they sure seem to have a similar purpose from two different sides? I can't think of one scenario where your comment would be rude, besides a topic about cancer treatment, or a funeral, or something.