I'm going to kill myself :/

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I think I believe in both true love and wild fantasy. When I was younger, I believed in swinging, at least it's honest! it's an honest way to do what I want to do anyway, but then, really felt like more self-imposed obligation because someone says I should (some writer of a book, or Penthouse letters, sure you've heard of them, but the heyday, ah, that was probably before your time). I might more like to get into one woman and share wild flights of fantasy with her.
Some of my fantasies are of spanking and dominance and submission. Well, spanking, that's so common, that's almost mainstream! Except it's not. It might seem that way, Madonna's 'Hanky Panky' (esp the video, esp the 'Truth or Dare' version, such good fun), the movie 'Secretary,' so on and so forth. But, in point of fact, no, not everyone likes spanking, but I sure do! Including written fantasies of nonconsenual, which can make me feel guilty as s**t.
I used to quote the philosopher Jeremy Bentham, 'Wars and storms are best to read of, but peace and calms are better to endure.' That fantasy is one thing, real life is another.

But now, I kind of view it as a gift, kind of as a language I understand that not everyone does. So, for example, I see through a lot of the workplace authoritarianism as stupid. Gee, if you're going to do this, do it tongue in cheek and do it right. It's a game. It's fantasy (and a delicious one)

I have had three separate girlfriends into wild stuff! I just wish that I communicated better, in particular that I need more alone time. Well, now I am more in tune with my Aspie side and can be honest and forthright about that. I had one girlfriend who was very sweet and plain vanilla. I wish I would have taken more medium chances. She might have gamely gone along with some of this. Not just one dimension to play, but any of the above five (so to speak) or she can perhaps suggest an adventure of her own choosing. That's kind of where I am now, medium risk, feedback, another medium risk. The implementation can be tricky. I also enjoy really great make-out sessions and cuddling in the movies.

Do you really want to kill yourself, or do you just want out of what you're going through? Is there nothing you want to do before ending your life? An accomplishment, a task, anything, while you're still here? There's no future to live for, or do you perceive yourself to be unable to create a future to live for?

If you still want to kill yourself, then why? It's challenging, but if you're in such a position, I have to ask you to ask yourself the challenging questions first. Why do you want to die?

You haven't specified your age, but unless you're really old, there's always something that you can do so that you don't leave the world with any regrets. An artistic output. A vacation. A friend. Extra sleep to catch up on. The list could go on. There's something - at least one thing - you still want to do, and you deserve to make it happen, whatever it is. It may or may not be difficult, but it's worth at least another effort. If that fails? It's worth another effort. And another. And so on. If you cut your life short, if you don't believe there's anything after, then there really is nothing after. That's not ending on a good note; you couldn't come back ever again, you're ending your life at a point you're not happy with, and

Just so you know, true love is hard to come across for many people. I'm probably not the best to speak in this topic, as I've never been in a relationship or even tried. Nevertheless, you're not the only person who's been in that boat, and it's not a good reason to kill yourself, nor is it a good reason to think you should.

And meh, if you're feeling low on energy, and you're sure you're getting enough sleep (lack of sleep, after a certain point, certainly doesn't help this line of thinking), eating/exercising healthy or whatever, all that, and you feel you have no issues to work out or come to terms with, (I know this is asking a lot, as I'm not even 100% on all this myself, and I've been depressed lately) then likely, seeing a psychiatrist and/or therapist would help.

Just don't make any irreversible decisions.

I tried sending messages to convince him not to do it, although regardless of whether hes religious or not, at least JennyPenny 901 had at least good intentions, even if it was a tad to scripture heavy for my taste.

I'm doing better, now. My obsession with frequent sex with my future-found true love ended up making me feel much better, even before I went to bed, and I slept for about nineteen hours... strangely with tons of dreams... I have dreamt so little, recently, but I dreamt very much, this time...

I don't think I really wanted to die, yet. I just tried to convince myself that it's time for me to die, since I'm so fed up with how my life is. To the person who asked, I'm 29. I have it stated in my profile, instead, since this forum requires you to disclose your date of birth, as well, if you want to show your age, and I'd never disclose that, openly.

As for the ecchi and hentai becoming illegal thing, and even some shôjo and shônen... there is still hope, and even if it does become illegal in the whole EU, and not just in Sweden, at least it'll cost a lot of money to uphold the law and people can't possibly accept this - not in France, anyway, and most of us know that France has a huge impact on the rest of the EU. And I can't believe that the Japanese will accept that new law, there, either; apparently there's been a lot of protestation. Apparently, it also only is enforceable in Tokyo, but that is, of course, only temporary; it's merely starting out, there, as an attempt to start enforcing it "carefully", with it, with time, spreading to the rest of the country. Even if the Japanese, in general, don't realize what's going on, which I doubt, and even if much of regular manga and anime becomes illegal in the rest of the EU, and not just in Sweden, you can't just let these hardcore prudes win. I, personally, easily would do some very "severe" things to maybe eventually overturn it. Laws mean nothing to me. Nothing whatsoever. The law is for the weak to follow, at best. It merely upsets me that these sorts of legislations may have an impact that may become permanent. But I will not accept this. It may seem funny that someone with these views is considering a political career... but it's not so, at all. Of course, I would not openly state that I don't give a shìt what the law says...

For those who suggested therapy.... I'm already seeing a therapist, but not because it's helping me in any way. I have other, more sneaky reasons for doing it. The therapist isn't bad in any way, though; I just can't be helped in that way. True love is the only definite cure for me. I have proof for that, even, since that girl that I met in 2008, I did indeed imagine was my true love, and this made me get an energy and will to get better that I have never seen in myself, before. At least meeting her made me snap out of the routine of doing nothing, and my past exceptional obsession with keeping things clean, that went so far that it was contra-productive in so many ways; very ironic how you may act when you obsess over the avoidance of filth. I'm not yet out of it, and never will be, entirely, but I'm doing much better, now, mainly because I met her and became determined that I had to be able to take care of her, and I would indeed have been able to do it if it would've gotten to us actually being with each other, and if the love indeed had been true... so considering what this fake "true love" did for me, I know for sure that true love would be my cure, as it would be for her; just total bliss, due to us being together, as one... -_- both sexually and not sexually. And those who say that sex is overrated... you just don't get the view of people like me. With sex under true love being the most important thing in life - and that includes the afterlife - you will do everything to make it as perfect as it can be; both physically and spiritually.

For the guy who agreed and talked about "god's" condoning of rape and enslavement, in the old testament.... just to be clear, I was never a christian. I was just born into it, and baptized. Which is a bit funny, since neither of my parents seem to ever have believed in that religion. I realized it was bullshìt when I was a child, already; I heard about how god sent the wrongdoers to hell for eternity, and even as a child, I could not understand how you could punish the soul of a being for eternity, when the soul isn't responsible, anyway... and even if it had been... punishing someone for eternity is just sick, regardless what it was responsible for. I remember how very disappointed I was that it was so fake, and I disregarded the crap and never looked back.

Going to make a big cup of tea, now.... took some time to write this with my numeric keypad on my mobile. It's in the middle of the night, over here, but I woke up just five and a half hours ago so I'll just be skipping sleep, tonight, and have a really strong cup of tea, now.... maybe I can go to my apartment, in the morning, and get done some of the few things I have left to do, before I can move there. I'm almost certain that my life will get better, once I finally live by my own. Oh, and thanks to the person who felt I'm too awesome to die... I'm glad I'm appreciated.

Since most manga and anime now is illegal in Sweden, I'm going to test my fate. Earlier, I ordered *everything* they have on a bishôjo game website, in the US. If the Swedish customs confiscate it and I later get charged for possession of "child pornography", I'm going to kill myself... in front of my therapist, after telling the therapist what's happened... bleeding to death after having cut my throat. The bleeding won't be possible to stop since I know what substance to take to cause excessive, unstoppable bleeding.

If, however, the customs don't end up doing anything, I will make security copies of everything I bought, for future reference, for long after my death, since these games soon will be illegal in most of the world. Unfortunately, it'll be the majority of manga and anime that becomes illegal, too... I don't have the money for all that, so I'll have to start downloading everything that truly must be saved for the future.

[quote="Beauty_pact"]Since most manga and anime now is illegal in Sweden, I'm going to test my fate. Earlier, I ordered *everything* they have on a bishôjo game website, in the US. If the Swedish customs confiscate it and I later get charged for possession of "child pornography", I'm going to kill myself... in front of my therapist, after telling the therapist what's happened... bleeding to death after having cut my throat. The bleeding won't be possible to stop since I know what substance to take to cause excessive, unstoppable bleeding.

>>> I like the part where Rick Flair goes Wooooooo when the Hurricans won the Stanley Cup.