Am I really an evil person?

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Parents always forgive. Parents will always love you. It's pretty much hard coded into them.

Now you realize this, I believe what you need to do is apologize. Knowing people, your father might even cry from joy.

Because he loves you, and you know that can't be bad...

'Cause he loves you, and you know you should be glad.

..........

It's one thing to acknowledge that someone loves you...but being able to accept is another. At the stage I'm at right now, in order to accept father-person's love, it's going to take a LOT of family counseling.

Do what you need to,
but the bottom line:
this is the ONLY father you will ever have,
and once he's gone, all you're left with is regrets of things you did and didn't do,
and I would assert that there's NO feeling worse than regret, especially when it's of things left unsaid.

Maybe it would be a good idea to draw up a few goals for this relationship
(it could be something so small as giving him a compliment or whatever else you think might be achievable),
so that no matter what,
you know that toward the end of his life, you took steps, however tiny,
toward healing the wound between you, and he knew that.
At that moment when you gave him that gas money, you had empathy for him as a person-
that small act was an excellent first step.

To Bethie -

Yes, you're absolutely right. There is no worse feeling in the world than regret. I had a dream this morning about my father that REALLY drove that point home.

In the dream, my father, my brother and I were in a breakfast-anytime diner waiting for our orders to come. Then a big surly man came in and started bullying the workers behind the counter with little shoves and insults. I absolutely hate injustice like that, as in real life, but before I could say anything about it, my father stood up and said "Leave them alone!"

The big fellow walked up to him and said "What, you wanna start trouble?" This man was a full head taller then my father, and my father is 6'3"! Everyone in the diner thought that my dad was crazy for confronting this punk, especially since he was almost 70. But then everybody gasped in shock when my father gave this jerk a leaping roundhouse kick to the face, then proceeded to land a few more punches, making everyone, including myself, think maybe he could win this fight.

But the tide quickly turned when the big lug kicked my father in the chest, which took ALL the wind out of his spirit; he slumped to the ground and moaned 'ooooh, my ribs!' The bully then went to town on him, landing kick after kick to dad's ribcage, and pouring even more humiliation into the wound by pretending to kick, but stopping short, just to make my father flinch.

Well, the last minute of the dream was what sickened me most of all. The bully had grown tired of playing and got serious enough to want to finish the job, so instead of kicking, just stomped his boot on my father's ribcage and steadily pressed more weight down, making dad writhe in silent agony. And how did I respond to this?

......"KILL HIM!"

what...the...f**k?

I didn't say that because my father was suffering, and just wanted to be put out of his misery...I said that with maliciousness in my voice, as though seeing my father lose the fight made me regress back to all the times in my life that he failed me, and made me wish he was dead. But anyway, my brother was NOT pleased with what I said, and the dream ended with him chasing me all around the diner.

Needless to say, when I awoke, I was VERY disgusted and sickened with myself for being so cruel, even in a dream. The only other time I felt this way from a dream also had to do with my father trying to take on a larger, stronger opponent. This time, the scuffle happened on a radio tower, with me watching from below. The opponent gave my father a mean right cross which sent him crashing down to the ground below. Upon hitting the ground, dad immediately started vomiting profusely, and so hard, that his stomach, liver, and half his small intestines came out of his mouth before he asphyxiated.

What kind of a MONSTER dreams these sort of dreams??! !

Well, they've certainly taught me to be careful with my emotions in real life, and to realize that yes, as much as I think I'd be relieved that my father will finally die, I would indeed feel regret. Regret that I never had a chance to tell him that I do care about him.

Thank you Bethie, and thank you emlion, for your words of wisdom.

Usagi1992

Last edited by Usagi1992 on 24 Mar 2011, 11:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

(bleh, sorry, double post )