Would anyone put up with me ?

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It's admirable to be willing to adapt to others, but what about adapting yourself to yourself? You seem to lose a lot of sleep and peace over how others view you. Where is there space for how *you* view you?

My story when I was little was probably typical given where my folks come from. I almost always measured short, and often I knew without a doubt that's how the adults around me felt. Some of them were angry sometimes, some of them were disappointed sometimes, and even when some of them would say "good job, you tried" (which wasn't often actually), it stung all the more because I knew whatever I'd done was far from perfect.

It took a while to realize that I couldn't prevent the judgments, but how I felt about them and what I would do were my choice. Not anyone else's. No one really took my dignity, or my peace of mind, or my satisfaction, or my dissatisfaction; it was always me giving it away, or me choosing to keep it for myself.

I´m aware that nobody is perfect and I tend to forgive people too easily(or so Ive been told by several acquaintances lately).
If someone does something good for me I see them as an amazing person and very few things they do will change that.
The other day for example I was at a study thingy where there could only be 4 people and I was kicked out by one person that wanted to join it. To everyone else´s understanding I should have just stayed there and told him I wasnt going to move, to my understanding he was the guy that picked me up when I was a nobody(I had issues with most of my class and he made sure I had a social circle outside of the class when I was too scared to approach anyone)so in some way I owed him this kind of things.

A couple of days ago I had yet another conversation about this topic and this person cared to point out that while its great that Im gratefull for what he did theres a limit between being respectufll and becoming someone´s doormat and I should be carefull about falling into some sort of passive/agressive friendship.

You have to put some sort of limit onto what is acceptable and (even though Ive only heard your side of the story)it seems to me like he had crossed that limit quite a few times and even though you gave him further chances hoping he would change and he refused to do so.

Glad to hear that you have your preferences clear(I just mentioned it because its helpfull to a lot of people that are coming out of a relationship) and I hope that you are able to find someone willing to give you that support sometime soon.

Because you're a great person.

I tend to base my perception of my value, on how those who have known me longest, have treated me/responded to me. The fact that for sometime now, my mother has had minimal contact with me, no matter how I try and explain how much it hurts me and no matter how much I have tried to message her first, is really affecting me. I dwell on it at night, and get sudden bursts of rage and self hatred, because the fact is, she is in daily contact with my brother, who of course did all the things I have failed in ...got a job, got a degree, has a wife, has empathy, is good at showing concern, and seems to have come through life mentally unscathed. Each time I visit her, I am faced with hearing her talk about him, talk about his wife, text him in front of me...and I cannot describe how awful and angry it makes me feel. I am close to cutting off contact with her, which will mean funding the things she has been funding for me....she has never had a problem doling out money to me, just affection and a motherly ear to listen.

In fact, it is the issues with my mother that are most damaging me, and have damaged me for sometime now, even a psychiatrist once told her that she is to blame for a lot of my problems, but she simply denied it, and got angry and defensive. Surely, if a mother favours one child over the other, it must mean the unfavoured child must be very unworthy, if even their mother cannot accept them and does not want to know them.

Sure, I have had other people, who know me only from talking to me out and about, tell me I am 'a lovely girl' and a beautiful girl etc, but they have not seen the problems I had in my past when I was so self destructive, suicidal and anorexic. I am guessing those things are why my mother now does not want to know me, even though I never talk to her about my problems anymore.

It is hard for me to just let it go, forget about my mother and find my own family/friends who will value me, as I tend to get stuck on that thought...my own mother cannot stand me.

Because he has told me several times, ' I don't know how your ex put up with you for 5 years' and the like, even once saying 'you take things so seriously, no wonder your parents got rid of you', I suppose I tend to have thought, well, if he keeps coming round again even when I have cried and self harmed, and put holes in my walls when having meltdowns (all but one time, when he wasn't present even), then surely I owe it to him to carry on persevering.

On the good side, he cleared the sewage that was flooding my yard, cooked a few meals for us, vaccuumed my flat, and bought videos round for me, but on the bad side, he never once told me what we were, he would go from kissing me etc, to coming round and sitting in silence for hours, and whenever I let him know something had hurt me or bothered me about something he said, he would tell me he would do a survey to prove that he had done nothing wrong, which obviously, left me feeling totally gagged. And if I had been feeling depressed, he would tell me what I go through is nothing compared to him, because he gets checked out everywhere he goes (for dressing strangely and wearing tea cosies on his head).

I have been called a criminal, a psychopath and psychotic, when he found I had damaged my flat or hurt myself.
And every time I cried in front of him, he either totally ignored it or made a comment about being tired of 'all this crying crap'.
But I cannot help but ask myself, if all men would react that way when faced with someone who gets as I do when they are upset.
Which ends in me usually forgiving him, trying to forget what he said, and letting him back in.

The worst I have said to him, I think, is that he isn't human and has no emotions, usually due to his responses to the above.
Whenever I post, I question, how can I get his side across so that people will be able to give a fair and objective response.
But this time I am not able to forgive and am simply ignoring the doorbell when it rings each evening.
As I do not want to deal with it. I don't know what to say, and I am not good at being assertive.

Thankyou Cockney, you are always such an upbeat and kind person, and I really appreciate that in you.
I hope your own problems with your apartment block will improve, I did read your post, but felt too drained to think up a good response.