Does anyone here ever feel like..

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I might start writing my thoughts on paper. Then I'll burn it. Seems to be the only way.

Worry about being locked up, not much (well, sometimes, when I'm in a really, really hateful mood, but I know when to keep my mouth shut), but having things that are a big deal to me brushed off and regarded as trivial by others is what I do worry about, since that is what happens 99.9% of the time. I gave up on confiding in people in childhood.

Maybe it's due to not seeming emotive enough; I can be thinking about which gun I'm going to use to blow my brains out with, and what kind of ammo I need to buy, and apparently not look upset in the least to people.

When I want to say something on here that I know I can't get away with but I'm *dying* to say it works kind of similar. Typing it all in, deleting it a few times, and then backing out of the typing template. Sometimes just getting the thoughts to voice or text at least satiates the need to get it out.

Or, you could always pick up a paint brush, scuplting clay, or freeware music program.

Considering talking my mind got me locked up twice yes I know the feeling.

I was talking to Mum about this last year.

I wanted to know how they treated people with Autism in the 1900s and earlier before medication. She said "I'm sorry to say this Fiona but if you lived in the 1900's you would have probably been given shock therapy at a mental hospital"

What she is saying is true, but it just really made me realise how little people with aspergers are understood, and how we are mistaken for maniacs or psychos unless we absolutely toe the line.

Because the law, hospitals, doctors and the public do use the diagnosis against you.

I was speaking to a support worker normally, and I told her I have aspergers, and after that she started talking to me like I was 3 years old. I have a university degree and she probably dropped out of high school!

I haven't had that happen too many times but then again admittedly I'll almost never tell anyone who doesn't already have their own self-constructed rapport with me without that knowledge. Especially if its professional that hears such things right up front, yes, things can get strange.

It makes things extremely hard for people like us. You're supposed to be able to trust medical people you confide in. For example I was too uncomfortable to tell mine many things, like how I often dream of thumping my primary school bullies.

Its the sort of stuff we NEED to talk about. It sits inside and causes damage as it eats away at you.

I used to write down all the horrible stuff I thought about, because after I attempted suicide when I was 15 it was something one of the counselers I went to suggested to do. and then this girl I thought was my friend decided to use that against me when she tried to set me up....she wrote something about murdering people on a certain day on the wall, and of course it freaked people out so the cops where called and they of course there where cops at the school for the following week....I knew she was the one who did it but I didn't know what to do but eventually when it started looking like she was trying to make it look like i was responsible I reported her and then she told them about my 'plans' I had written down so the cops went to my house and confiscated the notebooks I was writing in because my counseler said it would be a good way to get it out without turning to self harm or harming others and freaking interrogated me about it.

Guess that is what I get for doing the right thing and telling them who wrote the crap on the wall, and being honest about the fact that I knew she did it but was struggling with what to do...and they still tried to charge me but they never got anywhere with that which is good.....but it was still kind of tramatic I always get anxious to completely and since then cops in general make me anxious and the writing things down never quite helped as much after that and just further contributes to not wanting to tell anyone everything.

When you have thoughts that are not socially acceptable it's just very difficult to explain the lifetime of connect the dots that led you to believe that. People lack the interest to follow someone else's rabbit hole to the source. And they would only dimly glimpse it anyway.

You mentioned bullies and I used to fantasize about finding them and knocking on their doors. I'm not the same person and they wouldn't like it. But as I got older I just stopped thinking about it. They were kids. Those kids are long gone.

Reminds of a line from Deadwood:

Perfect way of putting it. I'd put this one down for both why people are who they are as well as why expected mind-reading in our culture today is insane. If we all grew up the same way with the same parents and with the same internal mechanisms I suppose we'd have more valid room to judge.

I grew to think that if it wasn't the people that I did go to school with doing all that and then apologizing at odd/awkward/inappropriate times later on it would have been someone else somewhere else. I identified the cause as me, I think in a sense that helped me let go and realize that they were just off on instinct and not thinking.

As far as what hale said though - I don't think dreams about 'dealing with' former bullies is over the top, if on another hand someone was getting into building odd contraptions like Saw and planning to put people in them and getting scared that they actually mean to do it - that's about the time when they should be seeing a psych and voicing their fears of their own anger.

Another common one seems to be tied even more directly to AS. I still have dreams on a regular basis of needing to complete a task, having something of great responsibility with work or something else, where there's a set task and time schedule and in my dreams its like I'm constantly 'whiting out', can't focus, and am bumbling these tasks and missing them broad by hours as if someone had fed me a fist full of rohypnols. Any time I have that happen I know that it doesn't even closely resemble my waking sense of the passage of time so I can't tell whether its hyperbole over my worse social or accountability nightmares coming true or if it has more to do with how my mind operates during sleep. I met another aspie who had a nightmare about being charged to take care of a baby who he forgot about and found a year later - that the baby wasn't dead but severely sick and shriveled. I can relate to that one a lot because of how these dreams work and the concerns we tend to have.

Yes but not because of the nuthouse. Because I feel ashamed or embarrassed. I am also afraid I'd be judged for it and hear things I wouldn't want to hear even if it may be the truth. There are things I don't tell my mother about because I don't want her to know.

Hale Bopp, we did live in the 1900's, now we live in the 2000's.

I'm sometimes dumb enough to say them even though I know I shouldn't and I get judged for it. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

~Kate