Things are looking really, really bad

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The_Perfect_Storm
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18 Sep 2011, 10:21 pm

imcaptainkirk wrote:
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Woah. It's got a little bit more menace to it than I was expecting.

What did the woman think of it when she saw the finished work?


She found it amusing. She told me she liked random things and surreality so she thought it was quite good. I felt really uncomfortable sitting with her. We were talking and I got a clear impression she didn't like me.


Why did she keep talking to you if she didn't like you?



imcaptainkirk
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19 Sep 2011, 1:49 am

I don't know. I think a lot of people just like the sound of their own voices. :)



The_Perfect_Storm
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19 Sep 2011, 3:19 am

Not if they dislike someone.



kopetski
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21 Sep 2011, 2:41 am

imcaptainkirk wrote:
I don't know. I think a lot of people just like the sound of their own voices. :)


lol :D
My explanation for people that just keep on blapping is that they just can't stand silences.

I think doctors are already tired of seeing people who self-mutilate (or feel down and stressed about not being able to GET far enough in this world); I think it's natural, I mean.. natural instinctive behavior for people who live in this crappy society. I just started reading a book about how we are still the same 'animals' as 10.000 years ago, living in small communities, living as gatherers/hunters.. now we live in cities together with a million unknown others, and we just can't cope that well.
Don't feel bad, cos really.. you're not the only one. You just need to find a few things to get a grip on your life again. And even if you think you are right in seeing things so negatively, there's also the possibility of seeing things as they are but from a more positive point of view.



imcaptainkirk
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21 Sep 2011, 7:00 am

kopetski wrote:
imcaptainkirk wrote:
I don't know. I think a lot of people just like the sound of their own voices. :)


lol :D
My explanation for people that just keep on blapping is that they just can't stand silences.

I think doctors are already tired of seeing people who self-mutilate (or feel down and stressed about not being able to GET far enough in this world); I think it's natural, I mean.. natural instinctive behavior for people who live in this crappy society. I just started reading a book about how we are still the same 'animals' as 10.000 years ago, living in small communities, living as gatherers/hunters.. now we live in cities together with a million unknown others, and we just can't cope that well.
Don't feel bad, cos really.. you're not the only one. You just need to find a few things to get a grip on your life again. And even if you think you are right in seeing things so negatively, there's also the possibility of seeing things as they are but from a more positive point of view.


Thanks for the encouragement. I'm not feeling suicidal anymore. I'm going to do more portraits.



imcaptainkirk
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22 Sep 2011, 3:04 pm

I'm going to cut my face open some more with my carpet knife. Nothing makes sense to me.

a=b=c



kopetski
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22 Sep 2011, 3:30 pm

stop hurting yourself, Christ !
Can't you just do nothing until you feel a bit better ??
Put some headphones on and ruin your hearing ?



imcaptainkirk
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22 Sep 2011, 4:09 pm

kopetski wrote:
stop hurting yourself, Christ !
Can't you just do nothing until you feel a bit better ??
Put some headphones on and ruin your hearing ?


I'm a bit of a mad man. If I was a dog I'd be a border collie. They chase after their own tails. Thanks for staying with me. :)

I need to find more distractions, you're right. Doing nothing though would drive me crazy. I always need something to do. I've got a lot of energy.



kopetski
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23 Sep 2011, 4:13 am

I've lived with a girl who had 100s of scars on her legs, arms and waist. Well at least not in her face.
I live in Europe so I went to bed yesterday after my message.

You know, it's just how this society has become; it alienates us from each other, and from ourselves. People and animals in their natural environment don't harm themselves (or others) like they do in captivity. Our prison is REALLY big, we don't even see the bars, but it's hard to escape anyway.
Knowing yourself and things like this are the steps to a better adaptation.. you can always talk if you want. I don't know if I have anything useful to say. Depends on what you'd like to hear, but I'm quite rational about everything.

oo just got this link: ways of distorted thinking.
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/22w2tM/ww ... nking.html



lelia
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23 Sep 2011, 1:16 pm

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time.
Trust me, you will ruin your mother's life if you kill yourself.
Have you tried hard exercise, like parkour, bells, zumba?



sunshower
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23 Sep 2011, 7:16 pm

I love your painting, especially the deep purple at the bottom. Please keep painting, you do have a talent.


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The_Perfect_Storm
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25 Sep 2011, 2:39 am

Did you actually end up cutting yourself again or did you end up changing your mind?

When I want to hurt myself I usually just go for it, and it makes me feel better. I've never cut myself though, and I try not to do things that will leave a permanent mark... I don't know, maybe you can look at 'safer' ways to do it and it might have the same effect.

When there's people around and I can't easily do it I just get the hell out of there and try to calm down. It usually helps when I exhaust myself (e.g. running as fast as possible for as long as I can keep it up). Just throwing some options out there... if you regret the cutting these may help. I don't see that the urge to hurt yourself is going to magically disappear any time soon. Hasn't for me.

It may help to know that when dealing with such strong emotions... the human body can't keep them up for long. They will eventually die down.



imcaptainkirk
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30 Sep 2011, 2:16 pm

I'm dealing with an awful lot of stress. It's all built up and last Saturday I jumped off a bridge. Since then I've been in a psychiatric ward. They've just allowed me a weekend away.

I'm going to get assessed for services for people with Autism soon. There is talk also of providing a befriender for me. I don't hold any great hope for either.

I'm trying to think how I myself can make my life better. Being in the psychiatric unit isn't great though. In my dormitory, a man who's a Jehovah's Witness bores me terribly and makes an awful mess in the bathroom.

It's nice to think maybe one day someone will become my friend or girlfriend. There's a chance because every day I meet a new nurse or a new patient or get to know an old one a bit better. Not that the environment is conducive to social progress. It does provide more social contact than I'm used to though since I usually live in my own apartment and spend most my time alone.

At times I feel hopeless. Quite a few of the people in the psychiatric unit are so difficult to understand. I think I've learned something valuable though. That I was aiming too high. Wanting too much success. Being around people more often has made me realise their needs more.

Thanks to you all for your support. :)



Ann2011
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30 Sep 2011, 7:29 pm

I'm glad you are getting some help from people. It sounds like you are going through a really tough time. Keep using all the resources that are available to you. I know that sometimes it seems quite pointless, but occasionally you find something helpful where you least expect it.
I really hope things get better for you.



imcaptainkirk
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01 Oct 2011, 6:21 pm

I've been given a weekend out of the hospital and I went to see a play called Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? How sad. A couple who can't have children invented an imaginary child for themselves and became raging alcoholics.



imcaptainkirk
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06 Oct 2011, 12:36 pm

I've got good news. I'm out of the hospital. I'm reading Life on the Mississippi and cooked french fries and fried onions for dinner. :D