Life is too long.

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I've felt this way my entire life. At 13 I wanted to die and didn't even know what depression or suicide was. Life hasn't gotten any better since. Even dating a couple years ago just brought on more unwanted problems. I just wish I'd go to sleep and never wake up.

The most I can do for now is just take more anti-depressants and sleep longer.

This isn't an attention-getting post btw...I really feel this way. I can't remember a time i was ever relatively happy or even not depressed. And if it weren't for the insane levels of Prozac I'm on, I'd feel even worse and probably be in a mental hospital.

how can i help?

I'm trying to think what realistically in my life could be done to make it more bearable. Since I'm not actually going to end my life (even if it's because I'm too much of a wimp to do it) it would make sense to make life as pleasurable as possible. These are the things I've come up with that need to be fixed.

- The location is killing me. I've lived in the same city and neighborhood my whole life...houses right next to each other, no privacy...crime galore, shootings in worse neighborhoods not too far away from me...someone was shot and killed for trying out for the high school basketball team at my old school a couple years ago (granted the kid that did the shooting was from another town, but still.) I've mentioned that I'm a country guy. I like beautiful settings, beautiful scenery and this location in general, not just the town I live in, is anything but. It's also very hectic, like a small city only without the good parts of the city.

My parents "claim" that a decision will be made in May at my dad's job as far as if the place is going to close or if they're going to re-do his contract, in which case we'd move either way...most likely to a more picturesque area...but that isn't until May...and as you've all seen, I have several breakdowns a week as it is.

- I can deny it all I want, but I need some kind of female companionship with someone my type and like-minded. The advantage I also have is that even though I'm picky, I'm loyal and don't want to "shop around" or be a serial dater or guy that sleeps with a ton of women. I'm a one woman type of guy. Whether I have to wait until the hypothetical move, or just try harder in my current location, who knows.

- I need a "passion." I don't have anything, (including the pursuit of women) that drives me. I'd like to sign up for Aikido, a form of karate, but the closest dojo is in Cape Cod. If we end up moving there, that's perfect for May, but doesn't do me any good now.

- I need to be stabilized. The meds I'm on now do a pretty good job and are the closest out of the tons of cocktails of meds I've been on...but still obviously not doing its job if I'm suicidal every other day.

- I need to find a way to take control of my mind. Part of my aspieness is having a very visual imagination, a secret world I can go to...but I can only access it at times...I'd like more access to it. It puts me at peace.

So basically, for me to be "not depressed" let alone happy...I'd need a new location, a passion/access to a passion, reliable stability on meds/control of my thoughts, and some type of female situation even if just casual dating.

i hope the right combination of effort and luck gets you what you're looking for.

Thank you. I just hope I can survive until May. As it is, I lost my psychiatrist (He claims he's getting rid of his practice and just helping the elderly on home visits...but I think it's a bunch of bs...he's getting rid of me because I had a run-in with his secretary.) I'm still able to get the meds...but like I said, I'm not stabilized. I have bi-polar on top of Aspergers...just don't have the extreme highs or grandiose thoughts...but have the lows and mania.

i have a diagnosis of bipolar (with psychotic features), too. meds ( i was on 120 mg of prozac and i forget how much wellbutrin) never helped my depression much, but changing my situation did. after i got to a calmer situation, my meds were able to be cut way back.

your psychiatrist is probably telling you the truth. doctors who want to get rid of troublesome patients just tell them to get lost (more professionally, of course). they don't need to make up stories. i have been a doc and dismissed patients ( for yelling at me and for getting hospitalized over and over because of not taking meds) and have been dismissed (i didn't get a preventative screen when it was recommended.)

What confuses me is, the medicine should be preventing the extreme lows, shouldn't it? I don't remember feeling THIS bad a few years ago. I was depressed, but the whole mood swings left and right thing and suicidal thoughts wasn't happening (minus my first break up in 09 but that's understandable and a different story.) My now old psychiatrist calls it a Prozac poop out and says there's no explanation for it but after a while your body gets used to it for whatever reason.

I'd be depressed even if I didn't chemical depression...I sincerely feel overmatched in this world and like I'm not a part of it in the first place. It seems even fellow Aspies are better than me at playing along or bearing with social competition/drama. A simple disagreement with someone (that isn't my immediate family) and I freak out. I'm a straight forward, what you see is what you get guy and don't look for trouble unless someone gives me a reason to. It seems a lot of NTs love to get at each other's throats for no reasons, or complain about things amongst themselves that I wouldn't think twice about.

It could also be with other Aspies that they aren't as socially aware as I am and just put up with the NT bs at work and such without even realizing it's happening or having less sensitivity to it due to being lower functioning emotionally. But for me, I'm just not equipped to deal with difficult people.

As it is, it's been 10 years since I graduated high school and still have bad dreams several nights a week about the way I was treated...so when a future situation comes up, I can't deal with it since I haven't even got over the past.

I guess the answer with me is finding some way through the right meds and my own work/work with therapist to just be as stable as possible...ignore the outside world (since I'm at home more often than not anyway) and just enjoy the small things...like someone said earlier...winning something on amazon or ebay...family...a good meal...a good movie...or going someplace in public where I feel comfortable.

I just simply can't take one more ounce of drama. NTs are built differently. They love the rat race. I just want to retire to some country area and get away from the hectic bs and douchebags.

i hate conflict, too. partly because i don't think fast enough to deal with it., partly because i can't hide well how upset i am. i'm much better in writing. in writing, i can debate. in a verbal confrontation, i tend to shut down and get clobbered. luckily, i work in a very supportive place at something i'm good at, so i don't have to deal with much criticism. if folks don't like me, i don't know about it. i'm quiet, which i think helps me stay out of trouble. i don't look for trouble even if someone gives me a reason to. i don't particularly believe in god, but still think this bible quote is wise - "a soft answer turns away anger."

i don't know why the prozac isn't working better for you. you are right. maybe another med would be more helpful.

i didn't get bullied in high school. i don't know why. i was occasionally made fun of, but nothing horrible. of course, was never popular, but i enjoyed being alone anyway and didn't sweat it. was in a physically abusive romantic relationship later, though, which gave me nightmares for a while afterward. sounds like you may have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). have you been diagnosed with PTSD?

you are a very clear writer. your intelligence is something to be thankful for.

I majored in writing in college, thanks for noticing. My therapist also seems to think that I articulate myself well verbally too.

He seems to think I should hone in on my ability to think things out...but to me it can lead to overthinking and analysis paralysis. Also, when the mania steps in, my emotions take over any logic.

But yeah...even my parents agree that 50-60 percent of my problems could be solved with a move to a more beautiful, quiet place. Hopefully something happens one way or the other with my dad's work in May.

Like I said earlier, the challenge will be staying afloat until then.

Who knows, when we move maybe I'll find a job at a quiet place...an antique store or small business or something.

There really just isn't anything for me in my current location. I will miss the creature comforts (restaurants all over the place) but other than that, I won't miss a thing. I'll still be close enough (assuming we don't move out of state) to my grandparents, aunts, uncles and such.

Life IS too f*****g long. I'm only 21 and I've been sick of it ever since I hit age 13.

The only thing that keeps me going is my boyfriend. I kind of rolled into this relationship and now I feel I can't just "give up" because I'm worried about what'd happen to him if I did. Apart from that, I'm also just afraid of dying (not death itself). I'm stuck here.