07 Nov 2011, 10:33 pm
I can relate quite a lot to your post, and I too still suffer from many dark nights of the soul. I think it's good to try not to let the sensations and thoughts hurt you too much, I mean that in a kind of Buddhist sense of detachment. (Actually, it was when I started reading about different Eastern philosophies that my darkest depressions became less horrible. Sometimes, I kind of miss that intensity!) Feelings just come through and go away again. Writing it all down helps me. I've filled dozens of notebooks. Sometimes I can't even understand what I wrote when I go back and read it.
Maybe that's what the numbness is trying to do for you... I have that feeling sometimes. It's sort of like I'm detaching from the people around me. I'll be listening to someone speak and then I'll slowly fade out until I can't understand the words, but can still hear their voice, and feel far away... like a fly on the wall.
I think this is common for aspies. My dad (whom I suspect is aspie) always seems to be "somewhere else," but he'll keep nodding his head, smile and try to appear to be listening to me, hehe. 
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,949
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
08 Nov 2011, 4:48 pm
leozelig wrote:
I can relate quite a lot to your post, and I too still suffer from many dark nights of the soul. I think it's good to try not to let the sensations and thoughts hurt you too much, I mean that in a kind of Buddhist sense of detachment. (Actually, it was when I started reading about different Eastern philosophies that my darkest depressions became less horrible. Sometimes, I kind of miss that intensity!) Feelings just come through and go away again. Writing it all down helps me. I've filled dozens of notebooks. Sometimes I can't even understand what I wrote when I go back and read it.
Maybe that's what the numbness is trying to do for you... I have that feeling sometimes. It's sort of like I'm detaching from the people around me. I'll be listening to someone speak and then I'll slowly fade out until I can't understand the words, but can still hear their voice, and feel far away... like a fly on the wall.
I think this is common for aspies. My dad (whom I suspect is aspie) always seems to be "somewhere else," but he'll keep nodding his head, smile and try to appear to be listening to me, hehe.
Maybe that's what the numbness is trying to do for you... I have that feeling sometimes. It's sort of like I'm detaching from the people around me. I'll be listening to someone speak and then I'll slowly fade out until I can't understand the words, but can still hear their voice, and feel far away... like a fly on the wall.
I think this is common for aspies. My dad (whom I suspect is aspie) always seems to be "somewhere else," but he'll keep nodding his head, smile and try to appear to be listening to me, hehe.
I used to write more about how I felt, but now its just something I do on occasion...I usually just can't think of a good way to word things though. But yeah I feel like the numb feeling is my minds attempt to not let all the sensations and thoughts do as much harm....but its getting ridiculous.......I mean I don't even feel like myself today, I am of course I mean who else would I be? but yeah its just getting rather weird.
08 Nov 2011, 5:36 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
leozelig wrote:
I can relate quite a lot to your post, and I too still suffer from many dark nights of the soul. I think it's good to try not to let the sensations and thoughts hurt you too much, I mean that in a kind of Buddhist sense of detachment. (Actually, it was when I started reading about different Eastern philosophies that my darkest depressions became less horrible. Sometimes, I kind of miss that intensity!) Feelings just come through and go away again. Writing it all down helps me. I've filled dozens of notebooks. Sometimes I can't even understand what I wrote when I go back and read it.
Maybe that's what the numbness is trying to do for you... I have that feeling sometimes. It's sort of like I'm detaching from the people around me. I'll be listening to someone speak and then I'll slowly fade out until I can't understand the words, but can still hear their voice, and feel far away... like a fly on the wall.
I think this is common for aspies. My dad (whom I suspect is aspie) always seems to be "somewhere else," but he'll keep nodding his head, smile and try to appear to be listening to me, hehe.
Maybe that's what the numbness is trying to do for you... I have that feeling sometimes. It's sort of like I'm detaching from the people around me. I'll be listening to someone speak and then I'll slowly fade out until I can't understand the words, but can still hear their voice, and feel far away... like a fly on the wall.
I think this is common for aspies. My dad (whom I suspect is aspie) always seems to be "somewhere else," but he'll keep nodding his head, smile and try to appear to be listening to me, hehe.
I used to write more about how I felt, but now its just something I do on occasion...I usually just can't think of a good way to word things though. But yeah I feel like the numb feeling is my minds attempt to not let all the sensations and thoughts do as much harm....but its getting ridiculous.......I mean I don't even feel like myself today, I am of course I mean who else would I be? but yeah its just getting rather weird.
Have you looked up depersonalization/derealization? When I had this symptom before I described it as brain fog. It would feel like all the physical tension inside me partly goes away but I'm left feeling sort of jelly-like, limp and unmotivated. Then if I try to do something I get the sensation that I'm observing the world through my senses but the locus of control is detached. It literally feels like observing my life though some kind of virtual simulation but I'm not really in control of "me". I'd also lose track of what I was doing from one moment to the next which makes it hard to function.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,949
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
08 Nov 2011, 5:42 pm
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
leozelig wrote:
I can relate quite a lot to your post, and I too still suffer from many dark nights of the soul. I think it's good to try not to let the sensations and thoughts hurt you too much, I mean that in a kind of Buddhist sense of detachment. (Actually, it was when I started reading about different Eastern philosophies that my darkest depressions became less horrible. Sometimes, I kind of miss that intensity!) Feelings just come through and go away again. Writing it all down helps me. I've filled dozens of notebooks. Sometimes I can't even understand what I wrote when I go back and read it.
Maybe that's what the numbness is trying to do for you... I have that feeling sometimes. It's sort of like I'm detaching from the people around me. I'll be listening to someone speak and then I'll slowly fade out until I can't understand the words, but can still hear their voice, and feel far away... like a fly on the wall.
I think this is common for aspies. My dad (whom I suspect is aspie) always seems to be "somewhere else," but he'll keep nodding his head, smile and try to appear to be listening to me, hehe.
Maybe that's what the numbness is trying to do for you... I have that feeling sometimes. It's sort of like I'm detaching from the people around me. I'll be listening to someone speak and then I'll slowly fade out until I can't understand the words, but can still hear their voice, and feel far away... like a fly on the wall.
I think this is common for aspies. My dad (whom I suspect is aspie) always seems to be "somewhere else," but he'll keep nodding his head, smile and try to appear to be listening to me, hehe.
I used to write more about how I felt, but now its just something I do on occasion...I usually just can't think of a good way to word things though. But yeah I feel like the numb feeling is my minds attempt to not let all the sensations and thoughts do as much harm....but its getting ridiculous.......I mean I don't even feel like myself today, I am of course I mean who else would I be? but yeah its just getting rather weird.
Have you looked up depersonalization/derealization? When I had this symptom before I described it as brain fog. It would feel like all the physical tension inside me partly goes away but I'm left feeling sort of jelly-like, limp and unmotivated. Then if I try to do something I get the sensation that I'm observing the world through my senses but the locus of control is detached. It literally feels like observing my life though some kind of virtual simulation but I'm not really in control of "me". I'd also lose track of what I was doing from one moment to the next which makes it hard to function.
Well I have experianced occasional depresonalization/derealization ever since I was a child...and during the incident that caused me to have PTSD I felt quite numb and detatched and it or course became more frequent after that. But it now keeps seeming to last longer and longer and I'm not going to lie, it kinda creeps me out......I hate admitting when something scares the crap out of me which is why I have not actually straight out told anyone I know IRL that it's actually that bad.
So yeah it is certainly depersonalization/derealization.....just the frequency and how long it lasts is starting to get to me.
09 Nov 2011, 4:14 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
marshall wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
leozelig wrote:
I can relate quite a lot to your post, and I too still suffer from many dark nights of the soul. I think it's good to try not to let the sensations and thoughts hurt you too much, I mean that in a kind of Buddhist sense of detachment. (Actually, it was when I started reading about different Eastern philosophies that my darkest depressions became less horrible. Sometimes, I kind of miss that intensity!) Feelings just come through and go away again. Writing it all down helps me. I've filled dozens of notebooks. Sometimes I can't even understand what I wrote when I go back and read it.
Maybe that's what the numbness is trying to do for you... I have that feeling sometimes. It's sort of like I'm detaching from the people around me. I'll be listening to someone speak and then I'll slowly fade out until I can't understand the words, but can still hear their voice, and feel far away... like a fly on the wall.
I think this is common for aspies. My dad (whom I suspect is aspie) always seems to be "somewhere else," but he'll keep nodding his head, smile and try to appear to be listening to me, hehe.
Maybe that's what the numbness is trying to do for you... I have that feeling sometimes. It's sort of like I'm detaching from the people around me. I'll be listening to someone speak and then I'll slowly fade out until I can't understand the words, but can still hear their voice, and feel far away... like a fly on the wall.
I think this is common for aspies. My dad (whom I suspect is aspie) always seems to be "somewhere else," but he'll keep nodding his head, smile and try to appear to be listening to me, hehe.
I used to write more about how I felt, but now its just something I do on occasion...I usually just can't think of a good way to word things though. But yeah I feel like the numb feeling is my minds attempt to not let all the sensations and thoughts do as much harm....but its getting ridiculous.......I mean I don't even feel like myself today, I am of course I mean who else would I be? but yeah its just getting rather weird.
Have you looked up depersonalization/derealization? When I had this symptom before I described it as brain fog. It would feel like all the physical tension inside me partly goes away but I'm left feeling sort of jelly-like, limp and unmotivated. Then if I try to do something I get the sensation that I'm observing the world through my senses but the locus of control is detached. It literally feels like observing my life though some kind of virtual simulation but I'm not really in control of "me". I'd also lose track of what I was doing from one moment to the next which makes it hard to function.
Well I have experianced occasional depresonalization/derealization ever since I was a child...and during the incident that caused me to have PTSD I felt quite numb and detatched and it or course became more frequent after that. But it now keeps seeming to last longer and longer and I'm not going to lie, it kinda creeps me out......I hate admitting when something scares the crap out of me which is why I have not actually straight out told anyone I know IRL that it's actually that bad.
So yeah it is certainly depersonalization/derealization.....just the frequency and how long it lasts is starting to get to me.
Sorry you have to deal with that. I had it for a short time when I was living alone in graduate school. I couldn't do my work and was extremely forgetful. I was having some obsessive thoughts (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) that I couldn't get rid of that was brought on by being isolated and stressed out by graduate school. The adviser I had wasn't working out for me and I had no idea how to handle the situation. Taking clonazapam and Zoloft seemed to cure the obsessive thoughts and dp/dr but I eventually decided to taper off the clonazapam after a bad incident where I ran out of pills for four days and had severe insomnia, tremors, and worse dp/dr. My father was able to retire from his job and move in with me for periods of time and the anxiety got somewhat better but after changing my adviser I had to fight like hell to finish my MS thesis while I was so depressed. If my father hadn't moved in and pushed me to continue I would have dropped out. I don't get along that well with my father as he's annoyingly pushy but I did have support and I wasn't as lonely.
So I guess I don't really know what to say other than I know how much it sucks. I think though if your life situation can somehow change hopefully you'll be able to feel more secure. I'd say just put all your effort into getting SSI. Your symptoms sound severe enough that you have a good argument for not being able to work. You just need documentation from a doctor and probably a lawyer.
