Into the depths of insanity.

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You, too?? In high school there were open comments about how one of these days I'd pull a gun out of the big backpack I lugged around and go postal.

I'd never have done anything of the sort, but it made people scared enough of me that they left me alone, so I wasn't in any hurry to correct their ideas.

Getting help-- It's not something to take lightly. The last time I went looking for help, the first two places I tried did far more harm than good. Some mental health professionals have very definite (and very, very wrong) ideas about what Aspies can and cannot do/be. Some of them will tell you AS means you're not qualified to have or entitled to a voice in your own care.

If you get one of those-- or one who tells you that you should learn to be happy with a much more severely limited life than you want to accept (one of mine told me I should have no interaction with anyone other than my husband and kids), or one who insists that AS means you are a violent sociopath and must spend the rest of your life heavily sedated-- LEAVE. Posthaste. And do not go back.

If there is anyone you trust-- parent, sibling, friend, SO, whatever-- take them along to serve as an extra set of eyes and ears and as an advocate.

I just don't see why I was born........I mean I'm messed up in the head and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. No one can understand how I feel. The depression and anxiety was bad enough, the last thing I needed was some freaking bastard to come to my highschool and kill a freaking student so I could end up with PTSD as well. I mean what the hell am I supposed to do with myself..........I can't even hold a job and I have the maturity level of a freaking 16 year old. I don't feel like myself, but then again I don't even know what myself is. Was I myself when I was tripping on shrooms all the time? Am I myself when I'm around the family members who make me uncomfortable? Am I myself when I drink a beer?


I cut down on drinking and smoking ciggerettes for a bit, but now I'm doing it more because I just want to feel something.......because I feel like I am going numb. Chances are my life is going to sh*t, but I can't seem to care anymore......I mean I don't even know what the point of anything is.......the society I live in disturbs the hell out of me, sometimes I don't even know what to expect of myself.......and I can't keep faking it around my family. I can't pretend I don't drink much.......I can't keep pretending I don't smoke cannabis I can't pretend I'm doing well in college.


sure I like to think I am a pretty decent person...I like to try my best to do what I can for others if they need my help, I try to be my own person and stand up for the things I care about. But I feel like i don't even know myself sometimes....and I don't seem to do much good for anyone.....and no one ever knows how I feel because I hide behind a freaking wall and so people think I just want to be alone......and I hate being alone. I feel like I'm stuck in hell or something...

You sound so much like I felt at 22 (OK, about 20, but what's two years give or take???).

Yeah-- go get some help. One good therapist helped me straighten out a lot of the stuff you're screaming about when I was right about the same age. At least well enough that I could get up and go through the day without being stoned, could cope with my classes (and eventually figure out that college wasn't where I wanted to be-- but that came 10 years, 2 kids, and a BA later), could exist without wanting to die at least well enough that I found ONE PERSON-- which led eventually to other people-- who helped me take it from existing to LIVING.

I guess you probably really don't want to hear this, but I've been where you're at. Yes, the world is a really sh***y f**ked-up hellhole. That's not about to change. You can learn to cope with it better than you can right now. It will never stop f*****g with your head, but you can get to a place where you can say, "f**k it." And you go about your life and it f***s with you less.

Find... find... find... a therapist who LISTENS. Someone who's willing to use a cognitive-behavioral model before they start stuffing pills down your throat. They're getting harder to find, but they do still exist. Someone who listens, and then tells you what they think.

If they don't listen, don't waste your time on them.

And since you don't have a diagnosis, don't mention the AS. Talk about what you see and think and feel. If they're any good, they'll figure it out if it's there. Mine did-- and I was functional enough then that the testing didn't pick it up. That came years later. That way, they know YOU before they see you through the lens of all the crap the "experts" say-- some of which is so damn wrong it's not even funny (like, spare your self-esteem a beating it can ill afford, and don't even read it).

I won't swear that everything is going to be fine, because it isn't. That's not how life works. But I remember being in a place that looked very similar to the place it looks like you're in, and I will swear that it can be better.

Well, my opinion is this. You can feel how you feel, but you don't want to shut the door before you've even tried to walk through.

You're wise, (even if you don't think you are) but don't let negative experiences stop you from trying.

Don't think its too late to develop coping skills, it may or may not be--but there is always potential there.

Don't let someone (1 idiot) try to take a potshot at you and then perceive yourself as weird, their opinion is BS. Even people with stereotypical behavior experience this. I'm not talking about the PTSD here either, I think I have it in some cases as well.

You can hate mainstream society-- and still pick out things that you like about the rest of society. There isn't a lot sometimes, a majority of society is aggravating. But there are people who think somewhat like you (people i'd imagine you'd like to be around), there are things from a negative that can give positives--jobs, education, music, internet.

Also.. being in the college position you were in, if you have even a little bit of trust in your mom, tell her. If you're not going to finish, there might be alternatives.. or you might be able to use your time better in the meantime.

No need to apologize. I understand, completely. This advice isn't coming from someone who "solved" a life crisis. Still going through it myself.

By cope, my definition is more not letting them stress you out to the point that you can't make it through the day. Accepting the worlds "evils" and flaws" isn't something anyone in my opinion should immediately do. Its probably a factoring reason as to why things are still so bad. Also something i'm working on.. so technically the advice shouldn't be posted by someone like myself.

I'm so sorry. I wish we lived in the same city. I would come visit.

Well I have some more to say on this topic, because I am getting kind of worried.

I can't get around the horrible truth of the matter...stuck in a society I dislike, disagree with and cannot function within, and little chance of finding away to survive seperate from it. I did not nessisarly choose to always be the freaking outcast, but that's irrelevent because that is the direction I was relentlessly pushed in for a lot of my life. I have to wonder what will be done with me.........I can't hope to hold a job with my current mental state, not sure if I can survive if I'm homeless(depends on how dependable my friends actually are), I can't even concentrate on two college courses at a community college.


And I'm still afraid to get any help........I don't want to end up having all my rights as a person taken away because some mental health professional decides I'm incompetent, I don't want any treatments forced on me and as much as people say that is not what usually happens...that still does not reassure me enough to trust that whole system. At the same time though I probably do need to if I hope to get approved for SSI but is risking what is left of myself worth 300 dollars a month or whatever?......I am already screwed up enough and sometimes getting psychological help can make things worse.