Want to OD but can't.

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Seems weird that my parents are having family over, and it will be like "Hey NilesCrane what have you been up to?' "Well had a cup full of pills next to me earlier in the week pretty close to ending my life."

I feel like Kevin Spacey at the beginning of American Beauty where he goes to that party and has to pretend to be happy for his wife.

ive thought about suicide a lot of times but never more than this last few months. I know it's taken a turn for the worse because ive started considering how i'd do it, i see a knife sometimes and i wonder how it'd feel.

i could never tell anyone in rl, i wouldnt be able to ever do one of those cry for helps, im too in control to ever purposefully f**k up, when i do it im not going to be failing.

I know that feeling, and I have my own plans to make sure I don't foul it up. At the moment I'm trying to push through it in the hope that things will one day improve, although I'm not optimisitic. I've tried talking about my feelings, and all I get is hassle for "threatening" to kill myself.

My interim solution is to try to find a way to make my life meaningful for me.

Just a thought.