HELP! Grieving and Mourning a Severe Loss-My Aspie Boyfriend

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Check your PM box.

I’m am sorry for what you’re going through but I feel I should say that in my opinion you really should consider and respect this man’s wishes to be left alone. You mentioned that you’d taken an interest in learning about Asperger’s since he confided in you that he was an Aspie. It seems he could have strong sensibilities with regard to his own private matters. Truly, - I think that if he has a change of heart, he’ll have no problem finding you and letting you know. I don’t tell you this now to be mean. It’s because this is the truth and you need to see it.
Someone else here mentioned that given enough time, this guy would have easily one upped that overreaction by 10 - and they were right to say it. My husband who has Asperger’s and I, who am nt have been together for over 5 years now. There’s so much that you don’t know and that no one would want to have to know – but the truth is that for an NT person and an AS person to have a serious ‘romantic’ relationship together, it requires a labor of love the likes of which you cannot realistically prepare yourself for. Best of luck to you, with whatever you decide.

It's not all your fault.

We can be... difficult people... to love. I don't mean that it's difficult to find yourself loving us. It's not. I mean that loving us can be difficult. We are what we are-- and not everything we are is nice. Clean.

I don't know how to say what I want to say.

It's not all your fault.

Give it time, let it be. I know that's hard.

I wish I could have my husband talk to you. He knows what it's like to love an Aspie unconditionally. It isn't an easy thing.

You sound like a lovely person, incredibly mature for 23. But you must know you are currently unhinged by emotions so the first thing to do is calm down. That takes time for your body and your heart. If you want that having him back even be an option, then don't even try to get him back and don't solely want that. You must want above all else that you are both happy. That will give you the best chance in the long run that can come from being together, you will be together.

Relax, do not obsess with reuniting, but maintain friendship and communication with lower levels of stress, and that will give you the best chance you will be back together. IF that is what will make you BOTH happiest long term. Only want that and see that this doesn't need fixing immediately.

You must stay friends and supportive and then time will let you know if being together is a possibility. You sound like you were both in love. He might simply be overhwhelmed and learning.

Calm down and just be a friend and supportive to him. Use the love you have to want the best for him, not just to want him for yourself. Try and find as much kindness towards him as you can inside, even if that means he is happiest with someone else or alone. You can't know what is going to make you both happiest at the moment. Neither of you knows what is going on, you can't know whilst you are upset that you have broken up, upset that you are rejecting each other in any way.

Dont let the possibility die by either forcing it or cutting off contact. Just love your friend dearly, show huge understanding and kindness and take some time to reflect. You are young and will be happy with someone, cross your fingers its him, but know if its not that you are so lovely someone else will give you everything you need.

You are kind and emotionally smart, you will work it out if you let the turmoil inside your head, heart and body settle. You havent a chance when they are all over the place. Above all else just be kind and patient with your friend. If in the future you decide he is not worth your kindness, live and learn and take it elsewhere.

Give it time and see what happens.

We still have had no contact. He hasn't blocked me from skype or anything-- which I find odd considering we've had no contact. I was reading about how most Aspies have mentors in their life and I realized that I feel like someone coached him to break up with me. My ex was under a lot of stress with school and finding a job, apartment, money, etc and I believe that his mentor-or someone else- had geared him towards breaking up with me to relieve "stress."

Hi there,

I feel I have to say that as an Aspie it is really annoying when someone is second guessing me.

It's not an intellectual "annoying". It's that you're too noisy and emotional. It's too much to hear and listen too. And even without saying any of this to him (and only to us) he knows already where you were going with your emotions and thinking from where it left off. If my head is noisy and I'm emotional someone else pushing and wuestioning me makes me pop and that is not what I need infact it is the direct opposite of what I need. I always need space.

You're really emotional and like the other posters have said you need to calm down. You cannot control this and I think the advice to leave him alone for now is correct. Even if someone did coach him which could be true there is nothing you can do about this. If they did it could have been the correct advice for him. Sometimes people need time to get certain things into place before they return to an unfinished project. ie. You could be the unfinished project. If you rush this or try to control this it will get worse. Believe me. I made that mistake with someone and I can't undo it now. DOn't make the mistake I did. Work on being happy in your life and stop thinking about him and what he's doing and thinking. It will destroy your mental health as well. You have to let it go.

Soundofrain

If you want him back, then the best thing you can do is to move on. From what I've read, it sounds to me like he is not ready for the kind of relationship that you're interested in... at this current point in time. He has a lot of things on his plate right now trying to get his life organised, and perhaps doesn't want to drag you into the mess of that.

The best thing to do is not to contact him anymore, or he might block you from being able to in the future, and then you won't have the chance to keep in touch later on. Work on yourself! Do what you love doing the most, be it sports, drawing, theater, hanging out with friends, anything! Anything at all that will keep your mind away from him. Avoid activities that remind you of the two of you.

Do good things for you! Get a new haircut, join a gym, take a pet for a long long walk! Anything that will get those endorphins running and make you feel excellent about yourself. Concentrate on all your strengths.

Let him have his time alone to work out his life. When things calm down for him, he might find that he really misses you. Let him contact you first, and if he does, take it slow. Be friends for a while and just feel your way back into the relationship. If you end up just being friends, that's okay, too! If he doesn't contact you back, then at least the things you have done to work on yourself will have made you feel better, and will have made you more productive. That in itself can be the fruitful advantage of ridding yourself of the negative energies surrounding breakups.

And who knows, you might find someone you like during your own, personal journey! Good luck, stay happy!

It's not your fault. I know that sounds lame, but I have had to accept a similar situation. I grieved nonstop for almost a year, but ultimately I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. I'm still grieving the loss, but it's more balanced now with the knowledge that there was really nothing I could have done that would have saved the relationship. It wasn't about getting married or anything like that, but there were factors that were about him that prohibited the relationship continuing. Try your best to move on...the aspie guys I've known have been bridge-burners so it's probably best that you don't get your hopes up. Try not to keep yourself up at night obsessing about what you could have done differently...there is nothing, if it's anything like my situation was. Take care of yourself and do things for yourself. I still haven't forgotten, but I have got to a stage of my grief that I miss him terribly and look at it as a pity that it couldn't work, but I'm no longer agonizing over it. If you're not aspie, it may not take you as long as it took me....I tend to get "stuck" on things and when I do manage to form a relationship with someone (not even necessarily romantic) I am more devastated than most and it takes me longer than most to get over it when someone breaks it off. But, even I manage to move on eventually, and hopefully, being NT, you will do so more readily than I.

I guess what I'm saying is hang in there!

~Kate

Murphy's Law. You read about it to try and understand and your partner better, you get shot down for it. You don't read about it and the partner says you never tried to understand them and about their condition. You can't win.


Sorry that happened. Also I would not keep contacting him because that can come off as you being a stalker and you don't want that. Let him contact you first instead. If he still wants to talk to you, he will contact you.

The person I was talking about didn't block me either, just refused to answer any of my attempts to communicate. I didn't contact him frequently or constantly, though...he might have blocked me if I had. It was very difficult for me to NOT keep trying, after all I was pretty obsessed with knowing WHY I was shut out that way, but I managed to only contact him a few times and when it became clear he was burning bridges, I stopped trying at all (even though I was horribly upset). I too wonder if someone has coached your ex...it's possible, but unfortunately you can't change that People give bad advice all the time and sometimes people take it.

I wish you luck in getting through this...it was one of two such incidents in my life (the other one involving a very close female friend who suddenly decided to cut off contact with me when we were in college) and those two experiences, I wouldn't wish on anyone. They make me afraid to get close to anyone because they were so painful. I hope your experience is easier.

~Kate

I went through an on again off again relationship with someone for over two years. What he wanted seemed to constantly change and it always changed when we got close.

Much like you I read everything I could find about Autism, especially books that focused on AS. Whenever anything negative happened I would blame myself for thinking/acting like an NT and not understanding him well enough. Unfortunately this allowed him to get away with some truly unacceptable things. Whether or not someone is an NT or on the autistic spectrum there are some things that are just unacceptable.

When I don't talk to this person for several months, (some times up to 5 months) he will reappear in my life as if nothing has happened. I call it pushing the re-set button. The relationship has never gone back to where it was in the beginning, and I don't think that it ever will. At this point I would no longer be with him, although I remain cordial to him. I would bet that if you left your ex-boyfriend alone for a long time, he would contact you. If you were cordial but aloof, I bet he would keep contacting you. Unfortunately I also believe that the minute you tried to resume your relationship as it once was, he would suddenly change what he wanted.

You should not have to apologize for being you or for showing emotions. Yes that freaked him out, yes it made him uncomfortable...oh well. I think you loved the person he presented himself to be, and not the person he actually is. Lots of people do that, but now you are allowing the fact that he has AS to be an excuse and it just is not.

You have a lot of love to give and you show a lot of compassion and empathy. There are people out there both those with AS and other NTs who will appreciate that. Don't make the same mistake that I did, I realize how hard it is to hear that but believe me I have walked that path and I honestly don't believe he is the person you thought he was.

Wow, I just joined this forum because, like CheshireCat1, I was abruptly and unceremoniously dumped by my new boyfriend….this is a man who, for all the world, has strong Asperger's traits, but I never got to find out whether he knows in a formal sense that he has high-functioning Asperger's or not.

He and I had been communicating online for a time, and he'd expressed such joy over the budding relationship, and wrote many emotion-filled letters and sent literally hundreds of amorous text messages. From those, I did not pick up on any AS traits on his part, though his type of professional work definitely suggested that he was far more focused on things than people---and to a degree of needing to be very fixated on his work in order to succeed.

When we met in person, things were great until he could no longer take the intimacy/touch/presence of another person in his home. He started to shut down romantically and fixate on some Netflix show. The sudden distance he took from me was bewildering-----we were like roommates.

When I tried to talk to him to understand his change in behavior, he snapped and grew defensive and even hostile/angry. He talked like Jesse Eisenberg in that movie The Social Network----with that rational, matter-of-fact, passionless voice. It was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for sure, but here I had given him my heart and my passion and all of my feelings, and for me, as an NT, this was incredibly painful.

It's still painful even now that I am away from him and won't be seeing him again. It's hard to move on. I keep looking at his photos even though he, like someone in an earlier post described, turned into a bridge-burner.

He lives alone, is twice divorced, is bitter about his exes, is bitter about being jilted by a cheating fiancée in another state, is a loner at home and in his job, doesn't know his neighbors where he lives, and has very few friends….one friend, a middle-aged woman from his work, is someone he turns to to vent. I am so different-----so much more connected to my community and so fond of my many friendships. Nevertheless, I fell in love with him and thought he felt the same about me. So I am grateful for this forum. I really am. Asperger's is a fact of his existence, diagnosis or no. But he is worthy of being loved. I just wish we had taken things slowly and that I had lived in his same city so as to get to know him bit by bit, rather than rapidly and passionately. It hurts so much to be dropped like that, to be dismissed, to be deleted….especially since I know how alone he is in most aspects of his life.