WTF?

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Joined: 9 Feb 2012
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13 Feb 2012, 5:33 pm

You need to learn that

A. no one owes you a date or relationship and,

B. it's not okay to call women b*****s

Changing whatever attitudes are behind those thoughts might help you.

Brianruns10
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13 Feb 2012, 6:02 pm

Here's what I wrote back:

No worries, I'm happy for you. I have quite a knack it seems for getting other people together...because one look at me and they know they can do better. I'm not worth anyone's time, and I've got nothing to offer that any woman would want. Just a silly filmmaker who doesn't make much money. Garbage in, garbage out. I'm quitting. There's no one for me. I'm just glad you were spared from a loser like me.

It's the truth. I'm a f*****g loser who clearly isn't worth being loved. That must be it. How the f**k else is it that I've been trying for ten years now, and I can't even get to the goddamn third date, let alone a relationship. Every time the answer is the same:

You're a nice guy, I'm not interested, we're in different places, I've found someone else.

Jesus christ I hate, hate, hate myself for being GODDAMN f*****g LOSER!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

hyperlexian
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13 Feb 2012, 6:06 pm

moved from Love & Dating to The Haven

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OliveOilMom
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13 Feb 2012, 6:12 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:

Here's what I wrote back:

No worries, I'm happy for you. I have quite a knack it seems for getting other people together...because one look at me and they know they can do better. I'm not worth anyone's time, and I've got nothing to offer that any woman would want. Just a silly filmmaker who doesn't make much money. Garbage in, garbage out. I'm quitting. There's no one for me. I'm just glad you were spared from a loser like me.

It's the truth. I'm a f***ing loser who clearly isn't worth being loved. That must be it. How the f**k else is it that I've been trying for ten years now, and I can't even get to the goddamn third date, let alone a relationship. Every time the answer is the same:

You're a nice guy, I'm not interested, we're in different places, I've found someone else.

Jesus christ I hate, hate, hate myself for being GODDAMN f***ing LOSER!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

Answers like that aren't conducive toward a situation where she might get back in touch with you if her current relationship doesn't work out. Back when I was single, I've turned guys down at first then dated them later on. Being able to take a "no thanks" with grace works in your favor. They may very well decide later that they want to go out with your or they may not. Or they may very well tell other girls they know how you acted, thus hurting your chances with them. How you act toward other people tends to get around, so I'd be a bit more careful. An answer like you sent to her won't make her feel bad, it will make her feel that she's avoided a landmine. Responding with grace will make her think "Hmmm, he's a nice guy, maybe I will go out with him sometime".

ETA: Also, you may be trying too hard. I know that lots of girls tend to like guys who seem like they aren't trying too hard, they are just naturally cool, or funny, or interesting, etc. If a girl gets the sense that you are trying really hard, she may feel too much pressure. I know that any time I ever got into a relationship, I wasn't looking for one. Every time I was looking for one (looking back I can see) I put off this "desperate for love" vibe, which turns people off. That may be whats going on with you and you don't see it. Try going for a relaxed, nonchalant, easy going attitude, and when you get no's, take them in stride. Try that for a few months and see how that works.

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League_Girl
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13 Feb 2012, 6:27 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:

So I thought I'd ACTUALLY found someone interesting, someone who was interested in me. On OKC, a woman was checking my profile, and messaged me. I didn't message her. AWESOME! We start writing back and forth, and the other day she suggests we chat on the phone sometime. I say, "Whatever you're comfortable with. I just don't want you feeling pressured to give out any personal info" She was cool with it and gave me her number.

We agreed on a time, and I called at that time, which was Sunday around 7:30-8:00. I called, and got her voice mail. No prob, left a message. She doesn't call back.

So today, I get a message from her, which is printed her verbatim:

"I just met someone today that I'd like to see again. Who knows if it will go somewhere or not, but I don't feel comfortable emailing others at this point."

What the holy living Jesus Christ on the cross f**k does that mean?

She just happens to find someone else that day? Someone so f***ing great she doesn't want to message me anymore?

Or is she lying for some reason. Got jitters, second thoughts? I'm tending toward the latter.

But seriously.

What. The. Hell? What do I have to do to get someone interested in me? Is all that I am simply the lesser half of a greater-than, less than equation? People see me, and think, "They can do better?"

How have we come this far? How did people get so f**** up in their minds that this is what dating has become? Seriously, the people who arrange marriages might be on to something, because this system, this dating game is f***ing BS on every conceivable level. And she was older than me by a few years (I'm not self conscious about dating age gaps). At what point are people supposed to get their sh** together?

If this guy exists, f**k him for ruining my chances with this woman.

If the woman is a liar, f**k her for being a liar and a coward.

Some of you will no doubt say, "She's probably nuts, you're better off avoiding her."

Screw that. At this point, I'd be HAPPY to have a failed relationship with a psycho b***h. Because it'd mean I'm capable of having one. Instead, 28 years old, my 28th valentines, and never had a girlfriend yet.

I'm seriously, seriously wondering if all the good ones are taken (they all sure seem to be), and all the rest are either stuck up b*****s, or they're crazy psych cases, or they so thoroughly wallow in a morass of body fat, junk food and self pity they barely resemble homo sapiens.

How can this be? I've got so much love to give someone. I know it. I feel it. What is so wrong, so hard about finding someone who wants to be with me as much as I do with them, who wants to go for walks, cuddle up in the evenings, and just talk? Why is that so crazy? How can I have gone so long without anyone, while everyone around me seems to be pairing up and enjoying happy lives?

God dammit. God dammit.

I think that is how dating sites works. You go to dating sites and find people and message them. You find them interesting and you talk to more then one person you are into and meet more than one person and once you get a relationship, you stop talking to everyone else on that site.

I am guilty of doing this and like to remain friends with them but we lost contact eventually. But lot of men messaged me and I only messaged someone once with my first move and got no response back. When I met my husband, I went to that one site and took down my profile so no new guy would message me. But I kept talking to other men as friends than ignoring them and cutting off contact. That I don't understand why people do that. I know there are some people out there who will make the person cut off contact with everyone who is the opposite gender of them but to me they are control freaks and paranoid. I didn't make my husband dump all his online friends who were women and telling him he can't talk to them anymore.

shrox
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13 Feb 2012, 6:32 pm

b***h!

League_Girl
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13 Feb 2012, 6:39 pm

shrox wrote:

b***h!

Was that directed at me or is that another one of your jokes?

MrXxx
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13 Feb 2012, 7:30 pm

It was a joke. Not directed at you.

I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of Shrox' humor.

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shrox
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13 Feb 2012, 7:43 pm

League_Girl wrote:

shrox wrote:

b***h!

Was that directed at me or is that another one of your jokes?

It was directed at the evil beast, the one that shattered Brianruns10's heart, causing it's jagged edges to poke and gouge as he tossed restlessly in bed, woefully aware of the snare of love...

Been there, sucks.

Dilbert
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13 Feb 2012, 8:12 pm

What the hell guy?

That's how dating works!! ! You meet a LOT of people until you find The One. You keep your options open and close them off when you meet The One.

She did nothing wrong. Nothing.

Your reaction was way way over the top. Wow.

She probably talked to several guys past few days/weeks. She probably met face to face with one of them today, and she thought he might be worth pursuing.

She was so into this guy that she flat out told you she met someone else, and likely ended whatever could have been with you. She could have not told you and she could have kept stringing you along. She didn't.

I don't think she was lying to you.

OneStepBeyond
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13 Feb 2012, 8:50 pm

i don't think you're in a good way of thinking to be in a relationship right now

if this is how you reacted to something like that then gawd knows what you'd be like once it got to some real messy stuff

nick007
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13 Feb 2012, 10:40 pm

I think she had a chance with someone who was very attractive to her(maybe he asked her out or whatever). At least this happened before you chatted on the phone instead of after you planned a meet up or anything. I think you should delete her number & add her to your block list on the site instead of sending her a message. You will not gain anything except more frustration from contacting her. Best to delete her from your life

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Brianruns10
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13 Feb 2012, 10:54 pm

I'm just so tired of being alone. What is so wrong about that? Yes I'm getting desperate. I'm 27 and I haven't had a girlfriend. There's something wrong with that. I need to know I can be in a relationship now. I can't die alone. I just can't.

If I found someone who loved, god I would be so happy, and do anything for her. I was just so disappointed because this woman seemed so interested in me, and I was looking forward to at least having a phone conversation, and I didn't even get that.

Just someone to talk to, you know?

Trigas
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13 Feb 2012, 11:10 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:

Yes, many of us here will understand how you feel but you really have to face these feelings of desperation and loneliness and be able to continue you're prospective search with a more relaxed mindset. Stressing over it now will only lead to misery and you need to understand that even though you consider this a "failed" attempt, you still have gotten farther in this one situation than most guys here can get.
Just take this as experience and continue on with the next girl. If you can't take this kind of rejection even at the platonic level how do you ever think you'll be able to handle it within a relationship. It doesn't get easier, I think the majority would agree with me there.

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Brianruns10
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13 Feb 2012, 11:55 pm

It's just...how long, how hard must I try before it'll be my turn? This woman gets somebody. Every girl I've tried to court winds up with somebody. Two years I pursued a woman, and was so so close, and then in one blind date she meets the guy she is now engaged to. Unfair!

All my friends are marrying or getting engaged, and I've never had a GF. I feel daily humiliation that I'm such an utterly failed human being in this regard.

I feel so, so weird having my male friends over, I'm afraid they'll think I'm gay because I just hang out with them, and I never date.

If I just found someone who'd like to hang out with me and watch movies or TV, who'd go for a walk every now and then....heaven.

I'd sell my soul for three months with a woman. Even if it ended in disaster, just KNOWING I can have a relationship. That would solve all my problems.

hyperlexian
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14 Feb 2012, 12:11 am

maybe make some female platonic friends, as you were saying you just have male friends. it can help you relate to females and it may help you meet new women too (they will have friends).

it's not really a matter of having "your turn". it doesn't really work like that. if you can find a way to be decently happy with your life even while single, it will help you a lot with these feelings of desperation. are you in therapy?

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