I feel dead inside

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I would not mind having a hobby that took my mind off things or whatever, I suppose its just difficult if I don't feel enjoyment from much of anything....and I do hang around with my friends and chill and stuff though more than on the weekends because I don't have a job or anything right now since having dropped out of college. But obviously that only helps so much and I can only be around people so much before I start feeling bad because I can't enjoy myself very much or worried I will bring everyone elses mood down to or I just feel to anxious or depressed to want to be around people so I might end up sitting in the bathroom with the lights off for like an hour hoping no one notices so I don't have to try and explain why I'm sitting in the bathroom with the light off.

While my depressions don't seem to go as deep as yours do (at least any more) I still have a great deal of trouble from about December through April. I suppose the shorter days really drive me up the walls. I tend to exercise less and I do fewer things. Also (and maybe this is related) the few friends I have seem to be off doing other things and so I tend to get more isolated in the winter.

Usually what happens becomes a cascading set of problems. As I grow more depressed, I drink more which only pushes me further down into depression. If I drink more, I am less likely to do anything active. Even planting something in the garden seem like too much effort. But if I can break the cycle, I can start climbing out again. I planted some stuff in the last couple of weekends and it has helped lift my mood. As a result I am drinking less and doing more.

Actually I think the thing that pushes me into depression more than anything else is inactivity. I'm not really talking about physical inactivity (although exertion helps lift my mood). It's when I just sit around watching videos and having nothing to show for my time that I start to feel like a waste of a life. But when I make a bit of an effort and finally get myself doing something, even if it's pretty minor, I start to feel like I've actually accomplished some small thing. Even a minor accomplishment can help give me the energy to climb out of a hole.

I suspect you are in a bit of a stressful in-between period right now. Your job doesn't start for a little bit. If you react anything like I do, you are likely to feel like you can't really do anything because you might have to stop when the job starts. It's not always the most rational reaction, but it's pretty common. On a shorter time scale, if I am waiting for someone, I feel incapable of starting any project or running out to a store because that person might show up at any moment. Waiting on starting a job can feel like that.

While it is true that more exercise or picking up a hobby can be helpful, it is possible that one of the things that could help you is to think of "time management" If you feel you can't do something because you might have to drop it when the job starts, then it could be helpful if you make an effort to block out a specific period of time that you can be free to do whatever strikes your fancy. But also limit the things you choose to do to those that can fit in that space of time.

Of course waiting on the job may have nothing to do with what is bothering you and if so, maybe the above isn't too helpful. But I hope you can find a way to be kinder on yourself. You have posted perceptive and helpful responses to people on this forum so you clearly can analyze and assess situations well. But it's not always easy to apply the same clear perceptions to yourself.

Anyway, I'm kind of rambling here... I just hope you feel better soon.

Lars

I am not even really worried about not having time to do things because of a job, just depending on what the wages and hours I might not qualify for the SSI, but I don't even know this job will work out....or if I am for sure getting it. I am more worried about getting it and then not being able to function at it. But I certainly hope that works out and maybe helps me feel a little better over all as Id be doing something more or less useful......but I don't know how it will go. But yeah I am trying to more or less get through this and hope for the best.

And contrary to the misconception some people have I have tried a lot of things people have suggested and still do my best at doing those things......the whole issue is how I feel interferes with that. Then for the idea of getting professional, I have to wait until I have some means of paying for such things. I would love if everyones advice worked and I had the ability to follow it all, but I have limitations.

Anyways thank you to everyone who did try and help or at least were understanding I and I really wish some of the stuff that's been suggested did help it just simply does not seem to do much about how I feel. Its like one of those things I just have to live with and hope I can deal with it.

Alright against my better judgment I actually do have more of a response for this, though I deleted everything i thought of yesterday. Did you even read this thread? did you? because I explained I have tried peoples suggestions, the ones I have not tried like getting professional help I am working on but I don't have income so I need to get that figured out before any sort of professional help is an option.

But I have tried distracting myself........I am trying to distract myself, but the feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, feeling dead inside, ect persist and seem to feel worse all the time so I end up getting distracted from distracting myself because of this. I mean I am really sorry people suggestions don't make the pain go away.....believe me I wish they did so then people such as yourself would not accuse me of 'not trying hard enough.' just to bring me down even further then I already am. I'm trying to figure out how to help myself, trying to figure everything out and I can't do it alone wrong planet is one of the places I come for support......not to be told once again 'it's all your fault.' I mean I am doing the best I can....sorry that's not good enough for some of you.

Do you have any friends that feel similar to you or have depression as well? Sometimes it helps just to talk to a friend on the phone who is going through something similar as you. When you do hang out with your friends, don't worry that you'll just bring them down because you wont. Friends are there for you no matter what and they wont judge you. Try to do something with them that you enjoy. I don't have too many hobbies either but maybe you can see a movie together or even go to a pub and have a few drinks. I don't know where you live but maybe you can do something outside with them if the weather is nice. I dropped out of college before and I was really depressed about it but you know what? You can always go back. Things will get better! Something nice to do is to get a little photo box, decorate it and put some of your favourite things in it to "ground" you, basically meaning to keep you sane and content.(photos, small items, good memories) Whenever you're feeling depressed just look into the box and look at the things you put in it to make you happy. Make a list of positive self-affirmations and put it in the box. Another thing you can do if you're really depressed is keep a list of distractions on your computer. What helps you feel better when you're really depressed? Your box? A computer game? Working out? Listening to music? A walk? Just make a list of distractions so you stay grounded. Don't forget that your friends are only a phone call away.

Yeah I have some friends who kind of understand...and I probably should not worry about that, but its hard not to. me and them do things I enjoy which is nice, it still bothers me I don't seem to enjoy anything as much as I should though. It's probably better then getting caught up dwelling on things for too long. But yeah that could be helpful, and that really is mostly what I am trying to do for now is stay sane or at least half way sane.

As for college don't know I am going to go back...but there are other options.

I feel you depression is f*****g awful sometimes feels like there's no way out but to get high on drugs to stop thinking about suicide. It is a vicious circle with depression and agitation here

This is why wellbutrin (or any dopa raising chemical) is so effetive IMO for the ASD as well because it raises the dopamine levels and gets the mind making neuron connections again, raises the motivation to live if you get the right dose. Some herbs that raise the L-dopa levels help... Fish oil.. etc..

Without a push from the outside an autistic can wither away in their autistic tomb like a trapped mummy.

This is why I found it so important to have good friends and mentors THAT CARE

Gonna catch up on the scroll. Smoke a cigarette..


Also don't go down my path with a useless degree... autistics arent wired for BFA/PHD/etc unless you have high motivation. Voc Rehab told me to get a certificate, or a full time job, and quit uni, but i decided to finish my degree, which i realized now is a total f*****g waste of time :s

edit again: I know i'm sounding rambling and loopy but
again chemicals I see are a huge factor
the stimulant antidepressant wellbutrin cured my depression for a long time
so this issue of digging a hole for your self like I have this year, because of klonopin caused dep
really could be a hugely chemical problem, not just a 'woe is me' emo problem

Yeah, I'm pretty depressed now as well. I've had to move back in with my parents after moving out of the province and living and working on my own for a year and a half. Didn't feel too good, my boyfriend broke up with me and I fell into a huge depression. I had to go to the hospital for two weeks due to severe depression. I run a home daycare now but it doesn't really bring in a lot of money and I plan to go back to college this September. I don't know if I can wait that long, being in this house all day makes me go insane. I try to hang out with my friends as often as I can. Sometimes I have flashbacks of my life before and how it is now and I fall into a deep depression. I'm trying to get on disability so I can possibly move out with my friend, if not then I'll be living with my parents until I'm 27 because that's when I'll be done college. I'm not really proud about my situation right now and it causes me to feel extremely depressed. I have a lot of social challenges that I need to overcome.

Well I've already stopped playing the college game...and am looking into a job....so yeah I agree with college being kind of a waste at least for me it seemed that way. Also I don't know what caused me to be so depressed, but since I have been for so long I imagine even if it did not start out as a chemical problem it is now........apparently long term depression can cause some not so pleasant things to happen to the brain when I learned about this in psychology I remember actively trying not to appear to disturbed.

I had posted a while ago about my parents being in vocational work and that they might be able to offer you some suggestions. They did have a few, but none of what they said was any different than what other people had suggested, so I didn't want to depress you further by mentioning that. But I just had an idea. I'm not sure if someone has suggested this, but it might be helpful.

Have you thought of looking on Craigslist, or in the paper about clinical trials? Sometimes the medical community needs people to try out new medications to test their effectiveness, and a lot of these trails are for things that help with depression.
If you add your name to the list, and get in one of these trials, they're usually free and it might be a way to get your head in the door to obtain some other help. You might find that they offer, or know of other resources you can use, too.

If I found anything like that I might be intrested, depending on what it's for and what the expected effects are...and of course what I'd be paid or whatever as that is a more or less dangerous thing to do.