My Facade is Slipping...

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Hyksos, good luck with the appointment. I found it to be a relief when I went for mine, to talk to somebody and not feel like I have to filter what I say is unbelievably freeing. I don't have many of those moments in my life. My psychologist started with a general "what's on your mind?" which immediately made mine turn to static, but he could see that I was trying really hard to snag hold of a solid thought to express and so he started asking questions. And that did wonders for opening the floodgates for me. I had been doing a lot of reading on Aspergers so I knew some of what he was expecting to hear, but it was just a burden-lifting thing to sit and tell somebody many of the things I've kept hidden for so long.

I am still pretty new to the whole "I'm not really broken" concept and sometimes I forget that my secret it out. And then, when I remember that it's okay, I feel so much better than I have in the past.

Example: My hubby is an NT, and a very extroverted one at that. We are SO different. He is a very social character and likes to be in attendance at everything. I tag along when I can't get out of it or if there is something there for me that is more desireable than my desire not to go. We accepted an invitation to a Bar Mitzvah that was to take place this past weekend. I usually do okay in social settings when I'm with him because he is very good at steering the conversation my way only if he knows I am comfortable with the subject and have something to add so I agreed to go with him.

However, at the last minute, he had to work and couldn't go. We talked about it for hours ahead of time and he worked with me to prepare me to go by myself. It was going to be okay since I knew most everyone there. So, on Saturday morning, I got up, got dressed, wrapped the gift and got in the car. On the way to the event (less than 5 miles from my home), I broke down into tears and just couldn't face the possibility of being there for hours without him.

I couldn't make myself go the last mile. I sat in my car about a block from the building and cried. Then it hit me... it's okay to feel this way. It's who I am. And dammit, I'm 48 years old and I don't have to go if I don't want to. So I turned the car around and headed back home. And felt immediately better. When hubby came home that evening, he asked how it went. I confessed that I didn't make it. He just smiled, patted me patronizingly on the head (the only one who can do that without losing a limb), and said That's okay. I'll just tell them I had to work. I love that man!

Budfarmer wrote:
[Hyksos, good luck with the appointment.]

Thank you.
Again I can relate to your last post. If my wife or my kids aren’t with me I don’t even venture into any social events. Heck I can barely go into a store by myself. Lest someone might try and converse with me.


zemanski wrote:
[Understanding from family is essential]

So true.

Alright, how do you do the quotes in the white boxes?

Click on the Quote button in the upper right corner of the message you wish to quote...


Now I have another question for everybody...

What do you do when you prepare for a conversation in which you disclose your Aspieness only to have the NT blow it off with comments like "Oh everybody feels like that sometimes, you'll be fine." I had no response for that. I just stared. And the other person thought she had done her job to brighten my day, I guess, and wandered away to have conversation with someone more stimulating I'm sure.

I'm gonna go rock and quote Pi now.

Click on the Quote button in the upper right corner of the message you wish to quote...


Testing.

Still can't get it to work. That's pretty bad still socially inept on a website for Aspie's.

Budfarmer don’t even get me started on your last comment. You reveal your heart to someone and they hand you that line "Oh everybody feels like that sometimes, you'll be fine." Well guess what Jack the last forty years of my life says you’re wrong. It’s like looking at someone missing a limb (Perhaps because they patted you patronizingly on the head) and calling it a flesh wound. Absurd!

Still can't get it to work. That's pretty bad still socially inept on a website for Aspie's.

Budfarmer don’t even get me started on your last comment. You reveal your heart to someone and they hand you that line "Oh everybody feels like that sometimes, you'll be fine." Well guess what Jack the last forty years of my life says you’re wrong. It’s like looking at someone missing a limb (Perhaps because they patted you patronizingly on the head) and calling it a flesh wound. Absurd!

Still can't get it to work. That's pretty bad still socially inept on a website for Aspie's.

Budfarmer don’t even get me started on your last comment. You reveal your heart to someone and they hand you that line "Oh everybody feels like that sometimes, you'll be fine." Well guess what Jack the last forty years of my life says you’re wrong. It’s like looking at someone missing a limb (Perhaps because they patted you patronizingly on the head) and calling it a flesh wound. Absurd!

You've confused two of my posts...my hubby patted me on the head. He is allowed. He has put up with being married to as Aspiechick for 23 years... anybody else pats me on the head loses an arm.

But otherwise, I agree. Since my diagnosis and my spiralling journey inward, I have begun to notice the glaring fakeness of so many of the NTs around me in the office. They laugh and posture and I can watch them from a distance and tell you exactly what the conversation is like, if not verbatim...but it's like watching a movie. It's not something I can participate in because I'm not in the script. NT's don't get that. They were all born with a copy of the script in hand and they seem to know all the scenes and how they are supposed to play out. I feel like I showed up dressed for Star Trek to the set of Little House on the Prairie.

But I'm sure they've all felt like that... all the time... Right.

We all have our moments, just for most people they are brief, fleeting and embarrassing memories, no more.

Everyone falls down the stairs once or twice in their lives, for most people doing it once is enough to teach them never to do it again, but if you're dyspraxic you need to hold on to the bannister every time you use the stairs or you'll be in A&E on a monthly basis because the strategies to avoid falling are just not available in the same way.

Having spent yesterday in A&E for the fourth time this year (and I didn't bother to go last time I fell down the stairs), I know all about this, lol!

Sorry I was very confused yesterday and not much better today.

Very good comments. Good analogy of the movie set and script, really enjoyed that.
Sometimes I don’t know if I’m in a 30 min. comedy or an hour long drama.

Dyspraxic is something I am new too but suspect I have since I am very clumsy and uncoordinated. Just thought it was part of being a nerd.

I’ll try not to post this one three times like I did last time.

Cheers

Dyspraxia, now generally diagnosed as Developmental Coordination Disorder, is a common comorbid of ASCs and it is actually unusual to find a well coordinated person on the spectrum to the extent that any assessment of need for a person on the spectrum will include motor coordination as a matter of course.

Sweet Pea hugs

Well I won't be surprising anyone by my good motor coordination today... I'm wearing coffee in three places on my clothing and I've only just arrived ...

So, in my introspection and learning about myself I have a few questions. So much has opened my eyes on this board and I have seen my hidden quirks (that I thought were unique to me) being described so perfectly by lots of others...now I have to wonder about some of the other idiosycracies I've kept under wraps...

1. I cannot knock on a closed door. I am incapable of applying enough pressure when I knock to make an audible announcement that I'm there.

2. I cannot interrupt a conversaton. If the party I want to speak to is engaged with someone else, I will sort of melt into the scenery until they are done and I can reattempt my approach.

3. I hate to appear to want anything. My former boss asks all the time if I want some lunch when she heads out. I will say no before I've even processed the request. I hate to admit that I would like to have some lunch. Then when she's gone, I scramble to find something to eat so she won't know that I really did want her to get me a sandwich.

4. I hide. Sometimes I just want people to look for me... to miss me. They rarely do and I have to find someway to return from hiding and maintain my dignity, but I can't help it. When I feel mistreated or abused, I find a good place to hide (behind the stairwell, in the storage room, in the closet, under the bed, etc.) and I stay there. I especially like to hear them calling my name. And if I'm really hurt, I enjoy the frustration in their voice when they cannot figure out where I am.

5. I give up sleep in order to have time for my special interests. I don't like to be interrupted when I am involved and so I wait until everyone has gone to bed. I sleep about 3-4 hours a night.

6. I have a horrible sense of direction. If I have to make a choice on which way to turn, I will pick the wrong one every time.

7. I have real difficulty driving in heavily populated areas. The state I live in has a lot of tourist traffic and at certain times of the year, you really have to watch for pedestrians in the street. I have a very difficult time anticipating if someone is about to step out to cross the street.

8. I count down with the microwave, checking the disply every 10 seconds to see if I am still on target. I am never off.

9. Some of the esoteric things I find funny are just too arcane or "intelligent" for those around me to understand. It makes me feel very isolated. I love to make obsure, humorous connections between otherwise unrelated things, but sometimes the people around me are not educated or well-read enough to get the connection. It makes me lonely.

10. I use humor to express emotions that I otherwise do not understand... adoration, affection, attraction, interest, desire, pain, love, hurt, shame, remorse... I have a very limited emotional range. Mostly I cry about or laugh about everything. There is very little other territory for me.

These ring any bells for anybody?

Budfarmer good questions here are my answers.

1. Although I rarely have to knock on doors, if I do it’s very softly as I don’t want to startle anyone.

2. Constantly doing that

3. Yes, in fact I fear if I was in need of medical assistance I would be afraid to ask someone to call the ambulance.

4. I usually hide but the difference is I don’t want to be found. I do it at work and it can be embarrassing when they discover you in the dark supply closet or behind a door.

5. Yes me too. Did that last night actually.

6. Actually have a good sense of direction. This may come from me being an avid woodsman.

7. Yes. In fact nearly caused an accident this morning by being indecisive about letting a person cross the street this morning.

8. You strike me as the kind of person who likes numbers. I’m not real fond of numbers so I don’t do that but I’m sure I may do something similar with something else and just don’t realize it.

9. Yes all the time.

10. I use humor when I’m not sure how to proceed unless it’s tragic then I make a pitiful face and try to act concern. Although I am not uncaring I just can’t express it outwardly very well so I pretend for the sake of the person involved.