Feeling cornered

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*massive hugs*
I'm sorry.

First the things that you *do* have control over:
I feel that what you did by telling her boyfriend was completely unnecessary and simply your way of getting even and making your ego feel better - it's understandable but not helpful.
If you act out of ego every time you get hurt - you are going to push everyone who gets close to you away.
It's no way to live your life - so I think you need to deal with that tendency now.

Now the things that you can't control:
I'm not surprised by this.
I don't think A is all that healthy for you, or good for you (no matter how much you wish it were otherwise) - at no point has she shown through her actions that she genuinely cares for you and your wellbeing in the way that a true friend would. I think withdrawing yourself from this friendship is probably the wisest course of action for you (even if the *way* in which you did it was not wise). I know you also have a lot of other things to think about that do need attention, and that previously this was distracting you from that. This is probably a good chance to begin dealing with those things.

I have to admit Box - you seem to scared to take any risks - not just with A or with girls, but in the rest of your life also. It's almost like you would rather *not try* simply so you can't fail. But where is that attitude really going to help you? Do you want to be in the same place, same position that you are now, when you are 30? You need to find something that you give enough of a damn about, even if it's small and start working on it and towards it - no matter how small it is. Even if it's only to prove to yourself that you can do things and succeed at them. it should also give you the confidence to try to tackle something bigger.

You could sulk in self pity right now - don't think anyone would judge you for doing that, most will understand. But is sulking in self pity going to help you? I certainly encourage you to get those feelings out and sulk all that you want, - but set a time limit. Once you hit that time limit - start using those feelings that were causing you to sulk and use them to motivate you to do something else more productive, no matter how small or simple it is.

Sorry I haven't replied sooner. Wasn't sure exactly how to respond and guess I still don't. You're probably right about all that. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I really don't believe that I can accomplish much of anything, or at least nothing that matters, and I've lost a lot of motivation. I don't think it's for a lack of trying, but over the years I suppose I've come to accept that it doesn't matter how I feel and it's not worth being selfish or walking all over other people just to get what I want. It seems with most things you absolutely have to do that to get ahead with how competitive everything is. I'd rather nothing be competitive at all but that's just the way things are, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. At least for now maybe I can just focus on forgetting about this person and hoping I've got them to hate me enough not to come back in a few years again. Anyways thanks for your help Kjas and everyone else in here.

Sorry about bumping this. I don't think it's worth making a new thread about...then again it might not be worth bumping this thread for, either. I dunno.

She contacted me again out of the blue today. Just said "hey" in a text and left it at that(and coincidentally I'd been listening to that song I posted when I received it). I wish she would make up her mind and leave me alone. I've only really just started forgetting about it and focusing on other things. Doesn't help that I run out of Xbox Live stuffs tomorrow, so that means no more gaming with friends unless we find some PC game we could play, and they rarely log into facebook to talk. That and I don't want to get too attached to N again, even though she seems to be the only person who I can have a real intellectual conversation with and who supports me. Regardless I'm just going to ignore A like I'd promised myself I would. Maybe find out how or if I can block her number. She's not worth my time or energy.

Still, I need to find new people or something. Figure I'll start applying to places every day, and the same ones, too, as many as I can find. I don't care if they have some dumb rule about holding applications for three months; I'll just lie about myself if I have to. Being honest has not worked at all, so I have to do something different and eventually something's got to give. At least then I will have some coworkers I could get to know depending on the job, and have more money to go out and do things and learn to drive and rent an apartment someday. At the same time I'm going to have to get back to really working out once the snow's gone. Those are top priorities, anyway, and would make doing anything else with my life a bit easier.

Don't text back Box. It's not worth getting sucked in and going through another round of it again.
This chick is sounding like your own personal addiction, in a way. You went cold turkey - now is not the time to break it.

Hey - look, you just put together a plan for yourself!
Healing is taking place! Some of it already has, and there is more to follow.

*hugs* for Box

Thanks.

Yeah, I know. Would rather not put myself through all that yet another time. Thing is, it's odd but I almost feel guilty about ignoring her, like it's wrong. But then I always feel bad about trying to ditch people. Not sure if it's just because she used to be angry at me for not always being there to talk to or if it's just because that's how I am, or maybe I'm so needy I know how it feels to be "abandoned". Still, it's better to just not think about it at all.

I guess you could call it an addiction. Don't know if I've really experienced being addicted to anything. Others might say I' addicted to video games, but I see it as more a hobby and it doesn't get in the way of anything else in my life. I suppose my addiction to food is what got me to weigh as much as I do. There might have been a point I'd have been an alcoholic if I'd been able to get beer on my own. But other than those things, I don't know if I've had any real kind of addiction. I know she demanded a lot of my time and acted offended that I would ever want time away from her. Maybe she figured I had nothing better to do than to talk to her because I had no life, and I didn't help much what with having been down on myself all the time.

I do feel a bit like a hypocrite, blaming her for that when I feel I spend too much time alone. I know other people have lives, but it almost feels like sometimes everyone just wants to avoid me entirely. Maybe it's just that I have too much time and nothing to fill it with. My plan to get a job isn't very good but it's all I've got.