Failed again, and I'm done.
03 Dec 2012, 6:47 pm
I have something really great inside of me, that I need to get out onto the screen. Something people will really love, and who will love me for. And what if I just don't have the chops to do it...the business acumen, the social skills. I'm a failed human being, and the one saving grace I had was I (thought) I was a good filmmaker who had something to say and to give back to the world.
But I fear what I have to offer won't be wanted. I saw the finalists, the films that beat me for that contest. They're all mediocre. Trifling films made by jokers who now are thousands of dollars each richer, no doubt going to blow that money on more mediocre films, while I desperately need that money to make my masterpiece. If I could only convey how great this documentary I envision could be, if I can only find the funds to make it. If only people would have faith in me. People say the film won't be good, that the subject isn't appealing, but I can make it appealing dammit!
But what is the point? I'm dead already. It seems all I have to look forward to each day is dinner, and watching movies that are so beautiful and perfect and full of truth and honesty, and just fill me with despair and self hatred because I don't think I could ever make a work like them.
I hate myself, and I curse God for creating me and cursing me with AS, and making life such a goddamn hell. I pray each night that I won't wake up the next day, so I won't have the fear or the guilt of committing suicide. If I could give my life up, so that someone else more worthy could have theirs back...a Kurt Cobain, a Van Gogh, a Fassbinder, I would. They deserve life more than me. I have no right to live.
That's not true - everyone has a right to be alive. I think you are putting far too much pressure on yourself. You deserve to be accepted and liked just for being you; it shouldn't be dependent on making a brilliant film.
If you are feeling low it might help to talk to your Doctor about it and perhaps look into going onto anti-depressants as these can help lift your mood.
Gambling is not a good idea - it will make you feel worse if you lose and is too risky financially.
03 Dec 2012, 10:19 pm
Do it anyway's even if everyone hates it. There's a movie in the theatres right now called 'Searching for sugarman'. About Sixto Rodriguas, a 70's singer songwriter who almost everyone forgot about. Except in South Africa.
He made three albums in the early 70's; all three bombed in North America and he was dropped by the record labels like a stone. Took up odd jobs, homeless from time to time, but none the less kept on an kept working.
In South Africa meanwhile he was revered as a rock star bigger than Elvis or the Beatles. People took to searching for him, after years of searching in 1998 they found him. In a small, desolate area of Detroit, with wood heat only for his cramped little house; they invited him to tour South Africa.
He took them up; travelled with his family to South Africa and was greeted to tens of thousands of adoring fans. 12 year olds who had memorized the lyrics to all of his songs, chanting, crying fans who couldn't get enough. (Worth seeing the movie in the theatre)
Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1cpYBti_3U
I bet you're capable of something similiar- put it out there. Wait 30 years and you'll be famous- somewhere!
_________________
Donate your computer's idle time to help others :
http://www.worldcommunitygrid.org/
03 Dec 2012, 10:36 pm
I'm speaking from a musical rather than a film perspective here, so what I say may not completely apply, but since they're both creative endeavours, I'm sure it would apply at least in part.
(I haven't had a chance to watch the films yet because I'm on a public computer without headphones.)
You're young. In terms of a lifetime of creativity, you're barely past infancy. It takes time and practice to make something great. You don't make a masterpiece by waking up one day and just deciding to then it all falls into place. You start off by making silly, cliched things that you'll cringe at in later years, then, little by little, honing your craft until you get good, then maybe great.
You don't do it by giving up every time something goes wrong; you do it by figuring out why it went wrong and what you can do better next time.
Many of the great composers didn't start producing their great works until their 50s. Anything before that is widely considered to be "juvenile output".
You're probably getting ahead of yourself if you expect to produce masterpieces yet. Don't give up, just keep reminding yourself that you're working towards being able to express the great things you have in you.
_________________
Music Theory 101: Cadences.
Authentic cadence: V-I
Plagal cadence: IV-I
Deceptive cadence: V- ANYTHING BUT I ! !! !
Beethoven cadence: V-I-V-I-V-V-V-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I
04 Dec 2012, 12:38 am
One of my all time favorite quotes:
“All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”
― Ira Glass, This American Life
04 Dec 2012, 3:11 pm
I have something really great inside of me, that I need to get out onto the screen. Something people will really love, and who will love me for. And what if I just don't have the chops to do it...the business acumen, the social skills. I'm a failed human being, and the one saving grace I had was I (thought) I was a good filmmaker who had something to say and to give back to the world.
But I fear what I have to offer won't be wanted. I saw the finalists, the films that beat me for that contest. They're all mediocre. Trifling films made by jokers who now are thousands of dollars each richer, no doubt going to blow that money on more mediocre films, while I desperately need that money to make my masterpiece. If I could only convey how great this documentary I envision could be, if I can only find the funds to make it. If only people would have faith in me. People say the film won't be good, that the subject isn't appealing, but I can make it appealing dammit!
But what is the point? I'm dead already. It seems all I have to look forward to each day is dinner, and watching movies that are so beautiful and perfect and full of truth and honesty, and just fill me with despair and self hatred because I don't think I could ever make a work like them.
I hate myself, and I curse God for creating me and cursing me with AS, and making life such a goddamn hell. I pray each night that I won't wake up the next day, so I won't have the fear or the guilt of committing suicide. If I could give my life up, so that someone else more worthy could have theirs back...a Kurt Cobain, a Van Gogh, a Fassbinder, I would. They deserve life more than me. I have no right to live.
Not to diminish what you're saying, but all this could be a diversion that keeps you from creating. It's driven by an awful force called resistance. Read "war Of Art" for more info. What do you think is better for you, thinking about all this business, or creating something? I made some good money as a writer starting at age 24, I got lucky, but by 30 I was done....couldn't sustain my writing career because I just sat there and thought..... You're stuck in a thinking loop, doesn't matter what you're thinking about, you're in neutral revving your engine, put that s**t in drive and start creating stuff....
_________________
?Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.?
04 Dec 2012, 4:11 pm
What if I don't have what it takes? What if I never amount to anything? What if I try and try, and I am just a loser my whole life, who never made anything that people cared about? If that is my fate, to live a life where no one cares what you do, where no one is interested in what I have to say, or have to offer, or even wants to hear what wisdom I have, if I'm not valued at all as a person, what else is there but to end my life?
I'm starting to make plans to finally start shooting my documentary next year. I'm going to make two of them. I'm going to save and commit everything I've got to making this films as great as they can be, and if I fail, if I haven't finished one of them, in the next 18 months, when I turn 30, I WILL put an end to it all. Few will miss me, and maybe if I'm dead, someone will take an interest in my work. If I were given the chance to create one masterpiece, but it meant death after I finished it, I would do it in a heartbeat. better to burn out spectacularly, then live on as I have, as a mediocrity.
04 Dec 2012, 5:31 pm
You'll never know unless you try, the only outcome that you can control is how hard you try. And trust me, I have to tell myself this all the time....
Excellent. If you finish them, then you have succeeded, it doesn't matter how good they are, you and I and nobody has control over that, but you can feel satisfied finishing a project, and feeling like you gave it some good effort. That's the trick...that's why it took me three years to write another script, I couldn't finish it, I couldn't say "screw it, it's as good as it's gonna get, next!" You can keep your creative integrity intact and still be a productive worker.
If you end it at 30, I'll throw this out there to think about: This is an idea from the movie The Edge, not the most amazing source, but check this out: people die in the woods of shame. "Yeah, see, they die of shame. "What did I do wrong? How could I have gotten myself into this?" And so they sit there and they... die. Because they didn't do the one thing that would save their lives."
If it were up to me, I'd say try something else if you can't finish your docs.... you're kinda screwing yourself if everything has to be motivated by life or death....what if you become a successful film maker, and you've got two films a year, are you gonna kill yourself if you don't finish one on time, or it's no good? Right now, the reward for you is life, and the punishment is death...that's gonna be a recipe for failure and imagine the pressure you're under. Maybe it's better if the reward is a job well done and maybe some coin, while the punishment isn't really a punishment, but rather a situation you can learn from.
I'd say go from worrying how good or bad something is, to worrying about how hard you tried. And then learn from mistakes rather than beating yourself up over them.
_________________
?Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.?
06 Dec 2012, 12:59 pm
you are a fantastic person and there is never any reason why you should hurt yourself. so what you're experiencing a down point in your life but that doesn't mean that it will last forever let me tell you something I have been through 20 years of h*ll and the one thing I've always told myself is someday I'll be okay and someday you will too.
envirozentinel
Forum Moderator
Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 17,031
Location: Keshron, Super-Zakhyria
08 Dec 2012, 12:14 pm
Even if just one person had to enjoy these movies you've created yourself and that's awesome, you have achieved something. Not all art forms are appreciated by everyone but there will always be those that love it. Do not be so hard on yourself!
Who am I's advice is very sound, you are way too young to think you are anyway near your creative prime yet and you surely do not want to deprive the world of your potential future talent!
Also, whether gay or straight, a meaningful relationship with someone, or even a platonic friendship with someone (age/sex unimportant) goes a long way to making you feel better as you can share both good times and bad with a true friend/soul mate/partner.
| Similar Topics | |
|---|---|
| I pretty much failed school |
05 Dec 2024, 9:40 am |
| Upcoming book about how science failed Autistic females |
21 Sep 2024, 3:04 pm |
