I Feel I Don't Belong Here, or Anywhere, Really...

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Hi.

I've been stuck in a major depressive cycle for a few weeks, and I'm expecting it to continue for another month or two in all likelihood, so when you mention feeling like you don't belong even here that's something with which I can certainly identify.

It's not clear to me how much of that is the depression and how much is the AS. My diagnosis is somewhat recent and I had assumed my experience of the world was normal and average in every way until not so long ago.

I always had, and mostly still do have, a sensation of renting this body for a time. I am not really here, nothing is real. This is not my finger, the space between this body and that desk is not the distance it seems. All objects are not stationary or necessarily what they seem. I just didn't want to complain about my life as it was. I now know that my perception of the world is very different than the average human perception of the world. Beyond that, I guess nothing has really changed.

I still feel the disconnect, but now I know that it will never go away. Yay for knowing?

So, regarding your statement; you reminded me very much of myself. Meaning, that you read like one of my own posts might have read, and so it is easy for me to empathize with you and your apparent mood swings between feeling desperately disconnected and removed and longing for, yet wary of, connection and the inevitable disappointment that will ensue simply because people are what they are.

Perhaps that is pure projection on my part, but I'll take that chance. ^_^

It's kinda strange and relieving to find out there are many that feel the way I do. I've been on my own depressive cycle myself since before Thanksgiving. However, for me it's either the AS or the Bipolar, or maybe even both.

I do feel I'm disconnected from the people around me at times, like I'm just a ghost in a crowd of seemingly normal people. I've become an extrovert since my first diagnosis 7 years ago, which though I see as an improvement in myself, it's still difficult to talk to people wheb they have no interest in what I have to say. It's off putting and disheartening when I try to be social and they just walk off... :/

I'm just happy since I posted this everyone is willing to talk. This has helped me out. I'm always up for a good chat.

It does help in an odd way. Interesting.

Hope that feeling lasts a while; and I'm around, sort of. Some times. lol

Kind of forced myself out with people last night and generally had a good time acting goofy. It was nice to see friends again. Little story:

Skipping all the set up, I made a little joke about dyslexia and a fellow friend there sitting next to me said, "Ah, my wife is dyslexic." I said, "I know!" To which he added, "Yeah, because they didn't know it was dyslexia her teachers always thought she was ret*d in school." And I was very proud of myself for not missing a beat and saying, "Because they didn't know it was Aspergers my teachers always thought I was an as*hole." That got a big laugh. My first ever AS joke in public.

Yay, me!

So, I guess I'm feeling better too.

I think that maybe people feel disconnected when they feel disconnected from other people. That you seem happier when you felt you connected with your friends seems to support this.

I'm really sorry that you feel that way, Kenny. I must say that I was quite happy when you messaged me about my Pinkie Pie/Mad Hatter avatar today. I love talking to other people who are fans of the same characters that I am! I would like to continue exchanging PMs with you.

You know, it's funny that you mention that. I have a friend I work with that has dyslexia. We both poke fun at each other since I have AS and he has that. It's always fun poking at each other.

Being goofy in public and being proud of being an oddball has helped me out in more ways than one. I'm glad you had fun with you friends. It brings joy to my bloodpumper. Hehe

@UDG You're absolutely right. Ever since I posted this, I've been connecting with others on here much better.

@IdahoRose I'm always happy to share interests, and I'm always happy to PM/talk and stuff. XD

I have to get used to the idea that I don't belong anywhere

Your first two sentences resonated. Maybe that is the key, just getting used to the idea that I really don't belong anywhere, even though there are places and situations that seem so alluring, like yeah, I finally do belong. But I find out it isn't the case...

If you two wanna PM me, I'm always up for a chat.

I intentionally isolate some days simply because I know I need a break. It just takes so much effort to understand and participate in "normal" everyday conversations that the time away from it all gives the little grey cells time to recuperate. I wouldn't say that I fake being normal, most of the time, but I don't do certain things anymore because I know I will pay for it mentally and emotionally for too long.

Stuff like family holidays with more than 4-5 people are just not things I can do.

I don't go grocery shopping during the day either. I only go to 24 hour stores after 10pm when they turn off half the lights and don't have the music on.

I'm taking a huge leap and being in a friend's wedding this summer. That's terrifying to me; partially because I'm afraid they won't understand that I will need to know everything that will happen long before the rehearsal day. I wasn't even sure I should say yes to them, but I love them and they are such dear friends to me I wanted to say yes.

Anyone else been in someone's wedding? Like, not your own. How did you deal with all the people and rigidity of it?

I think deep down we all feel that we don't belong here!
I think that it's a great way of just getting out what you are feeling inside..and the people here can understand,so if that can help to get feed back with others that go through the same thing every day of there life then you don't have to feel you belong most of us feel like this...well at least a few!

*hugs* I often feel this way too.

I think part of the reason why I feel this way is the fact that I get ignored here sometimes.. Like being an outcast in an area of outcasts. It's a terrible feeling... it feels like high school/college again usually. :/

This is a vast forum. I honestly wish I was so omnipotent that I could manage to not ignore anyone, but there's way too much to read for one mind to contain. I think you did the right thing by posting though, even if some people will react badly to it. I honestly don't get the "wrong planet" notion though. It's arrogant, and assumes human beings are what planet Earth is all about. Without taking human society into consideration, I think this is absolutely the right planet for me to be on. I can understand the meandering ways of animals, the tranquility of a forest, and the timeless wisdom of mountains. This world makes sense to me when I can see it clearly, without being distracted by my surroundings. Sometimes, I actually think I may belong here more than NT's do. It's not that they're incapable of seeing the beauty around them, it's just that most don't even seem to care that it's there.

Anyways, hope you and everyone else who doesn't feel like she/he belongs feels better. I'm convinced that people who don't feel like they belong are really the ones that ought to stay. Without misfits, or even freaks like me , there would be no chaos to unbalance the established order. Our culture and our very gene pool would stagnate.

I've been around in life awhile and learned that "normal" people feel alone. They just know how to band together and claim a range of life declaring it normal.

I love your avatar. Animals, especially my dogs kept me connected to life as a kid. My goal was to be a good a friend as my dog to others.

I am feeling I need somehow to connect physically. When I read this forum, it is full of the most interesting and deep people, who have struggled with the very depths of the meaning of life. I tolerate social media because of forums like this. But I don't know how others feel. To me it seems I need some way to start meeting with others and supporting in person. I dislike support groups. We are not sick and needing a crutch, but need human contact. I feel the need to socialize with people who don't judge and I can be me. I have taught myself to seem OK, but it would be refreshing just to be as real as on the forum.
So thanks for being real. It gives me courage. I want to start some group but not sure what I am doing yet.

Hugs also to you. I can't promise to be good about regular dialogue due to my schedule.