Having trouble obsessing over someone

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Do not let yourself think that he joined Facebook so you could watch. You are just trying to justify your actions. Has he ever said anything about wanting to let him stalk you on Facebook? All your doing is hurting yourself, so you have to make it stop.

edit: You have to make yourself happy, not him happy. Find something that you like to do and focus on it.

Also reading, The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doige, M.D. It looks like it has some relevant information, but I haven't read that far yet. My Cello teacher recommended it.

Last edited by TornadoEvil on 10 Jan 2013, 12:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i know it sounds as if i am self talking myself to believe that he joined FB to check my profiles.

But honestly he was a guy in early forties and didnt know how to use computers...also he barely used computers in daily life
so why would he join FB and he was not even net savvy

Because we were phone friends i used to talk with him for long hours so i knew him quite well.

I joined Facebook and became obsessed with checking everybody's pages. I realized though that if anybody really cared about me they would call, email, text, or stop by my place. So I stopped checking my Facebook. I feel closer with my teammates on my MMORPG and they live clear across the planet.

just because of FB people have stopped connected on deeper level now

They just put a like mark to your photos or wish you online for birthdays
The personal touch is gone....no one directly meets you in person
They no longer hold your hand or give you a hug and say happy birthday

There is so much distance now in people because of Facebook

And lot of enemies intrude into your personal space by checking your profile and conspiring againt you all the time.

I can think of three times when I' ve had a serious obsession with someone. I try to step back and figure out why, what is it about them that sucked me in. Is it a quality I see in them, that I feel I' m lacking? I don' t stalk so much as ruminate, like there' s a shiny key in those interactions that will unlock a fresh perspective. It' s probably just an illusion from a stagnant mind, and it always hurts.

I think I am still seriously attracted to her. All the similar things with aspergers I see in her. I also see a drive, a constant push to keep herself busy and get things done that I wish I had. Though I do have plenty of drive to better myself. I just have too much trouble with time management and focus. And despite the distance, the loss of friendship, I still feel like she always wants me to get better. Though I think shes changing quite a bit. I am not sure what her attitude towards me is anymore. I really don't expect her to be as pushy as when she tried so hard to beat me over the head with her friend stick without me reciprocating. I think she has learned not to do that by now.

I need to quit focusing on her, assume we're not friends anymore and move on. Might have to see what happens when school starts. She could get back to me, but I should stop speculating on that.



I might have to stop posting on Wrong Planet. I feel like she is reading everything I am saying. Not that she is watching me on Wrong Planet. I should quit talking about her. And the temptation for reading what she is writing is too great for me right now. I might have to stay off WrongPlanet entirely.

I know the feeling. You have to do what's best for you, but I know I have to wrangle through things head on to get past anything so I'm probably not going anywhere for a long while. I have to overthink everything to death, I guess.

I had a problem where I could never get my thoughts of her to calm down. They were just running there continuously in the back of my mind. I could never stop them and just look at something however briefly and focus on it. A good solution to that is to have music going on in my head, just a little background. I should listen to more of my CDs. I still have many, many mental connections leftover dealing with her. So I still have plenty to work on.

I don' t know what the heck he wanted from me. At first, someone to relate to maybe but he stonewalled me there. I don' t think it was a flirtation so I' m just confused, because he' s always friendly. Oh well, moot point I guess....
Anyway,back on tangent. Music helps me throughout the day, or a puzzle to focus on. When I have trouble I tend to watch tv obsessively, but it' s effective. WP is a big help too, because it helps me get outside myself and my problems which are petty compared to some others. That helps me keep perspective.

I've been going through this recently and it's very hard and takes a long time. Instead of thinking of the lost good moments, been trying to focus on the bad moments, things I never liked about the person and ways we were probably incompatible no matter what. It's easier to accept it that way instead of dwelling on "Oh, if only I didn't mess up..." or "If only I were the type of person this other person likes.."

One more thing

If I see her again, and it looks like she wants to talk to me. I have to. Anxiety and over thinking will tend to me withdrawing, or running away. If she doesn't want to talk, I think she will indicate so, and then I have to leave her alone. Two bad memories indicate that afterwards the self-doubt and anxiety will be brutal if I don't try and open up a little in such a situation. Once someone contacted me via text, that was easier to deal with. In person, its quite a bit more difficult. Not even saying anything in particular, just saying hello, asking how its going, conversing a little. Not really expecting anything would result from that. Just a really old fear, and something that easily turns into a nightmare.

edit: Though I might be able to deal with this one without talking to her, I'm just not very confident in it.

Not to be intrusive, just trying to understand... is talking with her a good thing or bad? I always assumed obsession was really just a search for connection, but maybe not? That's the line I'm always trying to find, how to connect on a genuine level without violating anyone's personal boundaries or anything. I don't have a lot of experience with this, so I have been just going with my gut and hoping I don't crash and burn from flying blind. From what I read from your post, it's more a matter of a fear of letting anyone in do to past experiences and at the same time wanting to for you? I think I can relate somewhat. It's hard to walk that line, of not letting fear rule your actions, but remembering it's not just about yourself but a two way street. Exhausting just to think about, isn't it.
I think what drove me was just the feeling of possibly being understood. It always comes down to the simplest explanation when you get down to it.

Ah, well. I like to deal with things with humor. It helps if I can laugh at myself...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0p4LcL8fC6A[/youtube]

Well, I think this really involves two things. One is feeling over connected to her relative to everyone else, and another is letting my anxiety over her develop into compulsions (OCD).

Socializing not involving her should help the first. Though hanging out and developing a deeper connection with other people is something I am bad with, but I have made some progress. I think it is already helping, I can try thinking about my problems in terms of what people other than her. I am also working on my focus completely separate from other people, so I can do things for myself.

And for the second, I need to learn to release my anxiety and not let it turn into a compulsion. Doing something positive for myself and feeling good about it is a good counter to the compulsions. In stead of giving in to them and just causing myself more anxiety. Rewarding myself and becoming dependent on social unacceptable behavior. I need to either break the loops, or make sure they don't happen altogether, or recognize and counter them very early.

That sounds like you're on a good tract, good luck to you. I'm not a big one on social acceptance personally, but I can relate to not connecting with others very well. I'm pretty stuck in my ways by now, but I think my issues were less OCD( though probably some) and more of a need to sort myself out. There's always tremendous anxiety that comes with any social situation though, but I've noticed it occurs more trying to go out of my comfort zone than dealing with any certain people. I have experienced being stuck in a loop in my head though, which can be a scary thing. I just try to get some exercise, and do my best to get out of them.

Sweet Pea hugs