Loneliness desperation

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ya we end up doing lot of things due to loneliness
which could be averted provided we had company of family and friends

I think the worst I ever did out of loneliness was continue talking to someone who started talking to me at the pizza store, then without thinking suggest to him to go watch the fireworks (it was Independence Day) from the park (it was night). Of course he immediately tried to caress my hair, I said "hang on a sec, I'll be right back", walked away a little till I was closer to the busy traffic in the street, then ran for my life.

The next to worst was to contact lots of friends from my past hoping to rekindle the friendships that had once been so good. It was, I think, pathetic.

Well...that would probably be making up an imaginary boyfriend and living in several different imaginary realities. Though they've given me enough of an ego to prevent me from doing anything stupid in this reality.

Dear namaste,

I spent a few years thinking of a fellow who stole from me every time he visited my place as my friend. I let him keep coming over even though I knew he was stealing my stuff, because he was one of my very few links with the world. I later learned he was spreading rumors about me, driving wedges between me and our other mutual acquaintances.

I finally had to quit letting him in the door. Whenever he arrived, I would say that I was on my way to some store or other, but he was free to come with me. About the third time I didn't let him in, he quit coming over.

I have learned, through much hard work, how to be social. I am an older guy, and at my last job, I routinely had high school and college girls coming up to me to give me hugs. There was a time in my life when this would have terrified me, but now I enjoy it. There was nothing even vaguely sexual in this, just friendly.

Don't give up. Don't give in. Don't give out.

I wish you good luck and hope you will think of me as
Your friend,

Ikari Gendo

I've done the basic sex in return for company thing numerous times

It's the basis of most relationships in my opinion

It's only been people I liked the look of and thought I could talk to ok though

post or answer a causal encounter on craigslist

quality over quantity except when said quantity is zero: at the height of my friendlessness, i abandoned all standards and befriended a thief, a narcissist, a drug addict and a habitual liar (all one person, mind you). sometimes when an emotional need is profound enough (i.e. the need for companionship), logic and moral sensibility take a back seat (in other words: people behave irrationally under the influence of feelings and social drives). maybe it's no different from experiencing an extreme physical need: starving people will sometimes go to radical lengths for food, abandoning all reason and social sanction; maybe people starved for emotional connections are the same. (insert shrug)

one year later, i guess i don't care so much. solitude, in all it's stagnancy, is still less harmful than "social prostitution" - subjecting myself to some jerk, simply to avoid being alone. it does bother me, that i'm so isolated. but i try to remember how alone i felt in the presence of this person when he manipulated me to get what he wanted.