Son driving me nuts

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I think I've said all I can on the subject so I'll bow out with one final thought.


You called your parents abusive and you hated them for it. -- Why would you want your son to think the same of you?


I wish you well for the future.

He's a child. Don't give him the power of an adult. He's no Caesar. He's a little kid that doesn't know a damn thing. You're an adult, rember who's in control. Parents nowadays, some who let their toddlers tell them what to do. Kinda pathetic.

You are being abusive to your son. Did your parents' abuse and fear help you to love them?

I raised my 5 children in the "Western" way which you disparage, without abuse and violence.
They are hardworking, independent adults who regularly contact us with friendship and affection.

If you continue to to be violent and refuse the help you need to cope with parenting, you may find your son (and perhaps husband) leaves and doesn't return at all.
You admit that your childhood was fearful and crazy, then uphold it as superior.
Please seek help as soon as possible.

I don't see it as such a big deal as the other posters. I think the fact that English isn't your first language made you not choose your words as well to convey what you meant. At first you said you hit your son. That brings to mind Joan Crawford type insanity of possibly Joe Frasier type punching. Later on you said you hit him on the back and I think I know exactly what you meant. Open handed, not too hard, near the shoulder area, one slap only. I think that's perfectly ok sometimes. A 9yo is too old to spank and while a father can usually get the kids attention without going to extremes, a mother pretty much needs to find a way to do that as well. As long as that's what you meant and you don't do it all the time, I don't see anything wrong with it and it's certainly not "abuse".

As for throttling him around the neck after he was saying how he wanted to kill himself over having to eat supper, well that was going too far but I do understand that it was the absolute last straw for you and you wanted to find some way to put the fear of God in him so you went with your first impulse. I think you should apologize to him for that but I also think you need to tell him that when you tell him to do something that's what he needs to do. No negotiating about it and if he doesn't, he will get punished. I would suggest taking away something of his that he likes for a few days next time he disobeys you. No video games for a day would be one good punishment for that. It's not too little that he would forget and not too much as to seem like you're going overboard. If he doesn't mind at all it's time to teach him to before he grows up to think he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants.

I would have a talk with your husband. Tell him that you two need to decide on what you will and will not tolerate from your son and what behavior will and wont be punished and also tell him to not argue with you about it in front of the kid. Kids will see that and jump right on it. It's a point of weakness in your strategy and they will go for "divide and conquer" every single time and they will usually win. Don't let that happen. Don't let your husband get your goat about all this. Don't show him any angry reaction. I'm not saying don't get angry, I'm just saying don't show it. It may take a while for him to come around, but you have to keep up your unemotional front during this time. Just be polite to him, not warm, not cold, but cooly polite, like you would be to a stranger. You'll know when he comes around. You shouldn't have thrown a plate of food at him, number one it's just something else for you to clean up, number two it won't do any good and number three it's something for him to bring up to you later on, it's ammo for him. Don't hand him any ammo, he will have enough of his own as it is. About him jumping around all screaming about it, well I think he needs to grow a pair, even I wouldn't jump around all screaming about it even if I did get a cut on my leg.

Now, if I'm completely wrong about my assessment of how it went down, if you did just go all out Tyson on your kid and Three Faces of Eve on your husband, then totally ignore my advice and get to a mental health professional right now.

Good luck.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

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I understand there is a middle ground - but the fact is she is posting in a forum full of black and white thinkers... All or nothing thinkers. So - cultural language barriers or not... hitting a kid because they are stubborn is plain wrong. Also it appears she is quite fluent in my eyes to defend her actions and to reword her stories. So saying all you want in her defense does not change my mind that sees this world in black and white.

Hitting anyone is wrong. Plain and simple. It is one thing to paddle a child on the butt to make a point. It is another to put your hands around their neck and apply pressure. It is another to treat a child so badly that they say they will commit suicide. There is no excuse to throw a plate at a man who you are supposed to love and cut his leg open. Just because it may be common practice in a culture does not make it right! I watched in Algeria while a village full of people kicked a dog then proceeded to "stone it"... because it is common for them to hate dogs there and they frequently do this.. IS IT RIGHT? No.

As for my saying I was proud of my ex for making efforts to change I retract that as well. That culturally different thinking man kicked our son in the shoulder last night for "doing laundry wrong" and then proceeded to push our daughter to the floor calling her a lazy pig. THAT IS WRONG and makes me ANGRY! So excuse me if I want to DEFEND this NINE YEAR OLD little autistic boy who CANNOT DEFEND HIMSELF against a BULLY that cries to herself and in a public forum of BLACK AND WHITE thinkers that SHE IS THE VICTIM when in deed she is THE ONE WHO IS VIOLENT and DESTRUCTIVE.

Violence is not ok in my life. Your life. Or anyone's life.

Good description of abuse taken from this website http://www.mincava.umn.edu/documents/dap/img5.html :

"An important piece in understanding the dynamics of domestic violence is the definition of abuse. Abuse is defined as the systematic pattern of behaviors in a relationship that are used to gain and/or maintain power and control over another. When one defines domestic violence in terms of physical abuse only they do not fully understand the dynamics that keep these relationships together.

Physical: Hitting, pushing, biting, punching, choking...
Emotional: cursing swearing, attacks on self-esteem, blaming, criticizing your thoughts feelings….
Psychological: Threatening, throwing, smashing, breaking things, punching walls, hiding things, sabotaging your car.
Sexual: any non-consenting sexual act or behavior"

Valkyrie, there is a huge difference between acting an ass and smacking a kid around for doing something wrong or because you are just in a bad mood and being so fed up that you can't take it anymore so you smack the kid but not to damage him. Big, big difference.

Just because it's a forum with many black or white thinkers doesn't mean that the world works in black or white. The world works in mainly shades of grey. Also, not all aspies think only in black and white.

Your husband being a douche to your kids and Namaste just losing it and smacking her kid are two different situations. Why is it ok for them to paddle a kid at school but it's not ok for a parent to smack them once in a while? That makes absolutely no sense at all. Corporal punishment isn't wrong nor is it abuse, if it's done correctly and consistently. Also, if a parent is on the ball about things and nips bad behavior in the bud, usually they don't have to spank their kid very often nor does the kid push them so far they do just snap. Sure, it happens once in a while but not as often as in a house where discipline is undermined by the spouse.

I don't see her saying "I hit my kid all the time and want him to be afraid of me and I also beat the crap out of my husband whenever I my panties in a wad". I see her post as somebody that is at a breaking point and who broke a little bit right there. In all honesty, if she did hit her kid like you seem to think she does or abuse him and her husband like in your scenario, I seriously doubt either one of them would have acted the way she described. Also, most abusers don't admit the abuse or feel bad about it seek help to change anything until they are forced either by the law or by the threat of their spouse leaving them.

As for wrong, isn't it wrong for you to allow your kids to be around your ex who abuses them? Sure, not following a court order to allow visitation is illegal, but to be so adamantly judgmental about someone else's life I would think you would be conscientiously policing your own life and your children's lives to make certain that you aren't allowing them to be abused, even by your ex. In other words, how can you put her down for an isolated incident when you aren't keeping your own kids from being abused?

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Actually lot of people are black and white about this, aspie or not. Spanking is a controversial issue. It's okay to tell your kids what to do but do that to a grown up, it's called being controlling. Take things away from a child as a punishment, but do it to a grown up, it's called stealing. but the anti spanker nazis sure don't apply this logic to spanking or are they against taking away privileges too and telling your kids what to do like going to bed or what to eat or taking a bath.

My mom beat me once when I was almost ten because I threw something away and she got so mad she had never hit me so hard, my skin was left red and it stung . That was the only time she did it. But I bet if she jumped on a parenting board or on here and posted about it, people would freak out about it acting like it's something she does all the time. I wonder how common it is for parents to abuse their kids once in a while? A parent may lose their temper and do what my mother did. It was no spanking she did.

Why is it you are defending this woman so vehemently? I do not see where she states her losing it is a one time incident. I see a post history from someone who has called her child it, puts him down repeatedly in more than this one post topic and admits to her repeated behaviors... That is not a parent that has finally just snapped. That is someone with a pattern and an unhealthy mentality.

Her behavior is abusive. You can tell me over and over again it isn't. This is a woman who has a history of abuse in her life growing up - so I seriously doubt she has just finally snapped. She has a mentality that believes what she is doing is justified. She has to live with herself and her actions.

Just as it is me who has to live with the fact that I have Asperger's and have not been able to create a life for myself that can care for my children. It is me that has ACCEPTED that I have issues and have not been able to communicate verbally well enough to a judge about my ex. My ex can talk circles around a donkey running backwards. Money is power and my ex has a ton of it. It is me that has to live with the fact I am too inept to take them to a better stable life. I have a healthy relationship with my kids and that at least is more than having nothing at all.

I do not like conflict... so I will back out of this and simply let you have your views and hold fast onto mine. Any response, if you post one will be read and thought about - I am not saying all your views are bad. I happen to like a lot of your posts. But in this instance, I don't happen to agree with you.

From the way her husband and son both deeply resent her, I'd venture to say this is not an isolated incident.

This is not a single case of "losing her cool".

Be careful about excusing it, as it may only enable more of the same ineffective behaviour. (Choosing words carefully.)

Your son is the innocent victim, not you.
You and your husband should BOTH go to some sort of "effective parenting" classes of some kind so maybe you can work together (instead of you being the tyrant and him being the playmate.)