Forgiving betrayers

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someone can unintentionally hold a grudge. "forgiving" is not just a thought choice. sometimes you just need a long time to forget and get different perspectives. there are things I don't really forgive people for, I just eventually locate an explanation and eventually work over the whole "once burned twice shy" deal. If I'm reminded of what they did I can feel anger at them again; they're still responsible for it. a violent event in my family still haunts me but everyone involved now looks again like they did before it happened, it just took time to make it look smaller.

If both parties can move on, then yeah, but it's hard to do if the other person never even gave you a reason. I'd like that more than anything, even if it doesn't make sense.

yeah, well in the worst cases you probably won't ever get a reason or explanation from the other person. And often the reason or explanation they might give you is further from the truth than one you can come up with on your own. And sometimes you just have to make up a reason or explanation that makes the person or event not look as bad in comparison to the rest of the stuff up in your noggin...because otherwise you'll go insane.

in general I say stick to the golden rule and when anyone starts bullying you go WWII England on them until they wear out. otherwise you just perpetuate a cycle of revenge.

also the majority of pain is inflicted by people who are angry for having been hurt in the past. Victims making victims. By not seeing yourself as a victim (and rarely is one side totally innocent (and if they are, then it's some kind of natural disaster - and the action of a psychopath could be considered a natural disaster)), you prevent yourself from getting angry, prevent yourself from harming others, and again, act to break the cycle of revenge.

but this also takes learning how to defend yourself without making your attacker think you are taking revenge. Sometimes you do need to strike back or you'll starve or die.
an analogy: man in wild. attacked by bear. man wounds bear severely but does not kill him. bear never messes with man again and bear teaches cubs never to mess with man. if man kills bear, cubs could grow up more wild and be more likely to attack man - danger multiplied.

ethics is simple. "Right" is what does not hurt you personally. "Wrong" is what does hurt you personally. After that it's just a matter of intelligence - ability to see and process enough detail to more correctly judge what is and is not a threat to you. But you don't gain this intelligence by fearing and avoiding the world and its inhabitants. Anxiety keeps your eyes open and gives you more information to make better judgements. It also makes you more loyal to the people you have learned you need not fear (i.e. it creates a stronger tribe - since there is such a big difference between outsiders and insiders). But FEAR just makes you hide and give up the responsibility (and benefit) you have in protecting the people closest to you.

Leaving without explanation is basically the path of least resistance. Many people have had bad experiences telling others they are breaking up with them, don't want to associate anymore, etc.

Most times I find the reason is sort of immaterial anyway. Such things just happen, all the time. The surgical cut/departure maybe hurts a bit more at first, but I think heals faster, because things don't drag on.

I can understand however if you really have no clue as to the reason. You don't want something to end due to a misunderstanding that might be cleared up.

However, if the other is not responding it means it is beyond repair already, for whatever reasons. The most important thing is to accept it and let it go. It shows respect for them and self respect. The quicker you do that the faster you can move on to something new.

Forgiving is harder. I know no formula. Perhaps understanding basic human nature is a helpful avenue to approach it.

You have to take into account people's perception though, for most, forgiving means going back to "normal", even if this means going back for more abuse And for me it's never been so much about holding a grudge as about the pain and loss you experience when trust is irreversibly destroyed, as Nietzsche said “I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”

I share the same experience with you, I broke ties with my biological family long ago, but all anger and desire for revenge is gone too and I'm at peace with the past. Letting go completely turned my life around, I hope you're also doing better.

I think it just means the other party is chicken shi*.

If I recall, it didn't seem like things were going so bad we just had to dissociate.

Perhaps. But that which is not freely given (as in an explanation, etc) is not worth having.

in matters of friendship, 100% correct. I have heard people say "you haven't earned (it)". The simple truth is, if one must "earn" things in friendship, then it's an arrangement, not a friendship.