I'm done.

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Try to remember, that the way we feel deeply depends on organic matters. Whyever, the transmitters in your brain, able to give you joy or sense, are not functioning right now. There are people that dont know about depressions, and the give you advices like "Oh just be happy again, and dont see everything so bad." -.- Thats as dumbass, as telling a person with a broken leg, to "Just be happy again and walk on. You can do if you try!" Right now it simply doesnt work, and there is no "Oh, I decide to be happy now again." You can decide as much as you want, as long as your chemistry in your brain is whyever not working, that wont go.

The thing I want tp point on with my fingers: You are absolutly right to say, that there is right no no joy or sense you can feel. But the other truth is: There are still things out there, that would be able to make you laugh. If simply your chemistry started to work again. Films give you the impression, that you only have to find the certain thing troubling you, and hey, everything will be right again. And if you have a depression, this expectation can trouble you very hard, because you think you should find something, but you simply fail and fail and so it gives you the impression that there is nothing you can do, because of you always failing to step out of bed and walk with your injured leg, when you try.

But thats simply the wrong way. Chemistry in your brain cant be repaired instantly, as any other body injury cant be repaired instantly. So there is nothing wrong about, that if you try to walk with an injured leg, that you fail - thats normal. But the thing is: It can be repaired again. And then it will work again. Joy and sense is still there and exists, it simply doesnt reach your brain right now in the moment, because of one of the connections not working. And just as you can work on a broken leg, but not by simply stepping out of bed and trying to jump, but by respecting that illness and giving you time to heal the fractured pieces slowly, then slowly starting to make litlle movements again so that your crippled joints and muscles become movable again, your depression can heal as well.

So it doesnt mean that it will never work again. It simply means you need to give yourself time to recover, and instead of trying every day to stand up and walk you have to do tiny little steps, that are fitting to your actual status, to recover. And its normal that there will be days, where you dont see any difference to the day before, because of the little steps being so small. And sometimes, you even will fall back. Just as a person with an injured leg, may have a day, where his legs starts to hurt that bad again, that he cant work on his recovery, and cant do his exercises he should do to make his muscles active again, as he wanted to do. There is nothing wrong about that. Thats normal in recovery, that there are good days, where you are able to do again some steps forth, and that there will be bad days, when you fall again one step back and are frustrated and sad.

Dont push yourself, but take your illness serious just as you wouldnt oush yourself and still take it serious, when having a real influenca or a broken bone or whatever. A physical illness, thats right now physically taking your ability to feel happyness. And just as a mountain-climber whose bones got crashed, and that cant simply walk on, anyway how much he wants, you should not think about walking on mountains the next day, or the next week again. Because the next day, you will still be in bad. Instead simply concentrate on the tiny little steps you are supposed to do today. But when the montain climber does so, he will be able to stand on his mountain again and enjoy, what he missed for so a long time. And he will be very happy then for doing his little tiny recovery steps day by day, accepting bad days that are normal to have.

About the medication. Really talk about it to your doctor. This medications try to work on your brain chemistry as well. But there is still a great scientific lack of knowlege about that, and doctors now that too. They really wished that they could simply do a "brainfluid" test, like you can do a bloodtest and instantly know, where your chemistry lacks something, so that they could easily know, what medication would be the right one helping you. But right now they cant. So they simply can try a medication, and relie on experiences and hope it helps you, but in the end they need to "try and error" until they found the right one, in the right amount, to help you. To do that, your doctor needs you to let him know, if a medication doesnt help. And he needs you to do one of your little steps, which means taking the medication. Really, take it serious. Its simply an physical illness, but one that is as dangerous as many form of cancers. If you had cancer, you knew that you should try to do the little steps your doctor told you to do. You have something similar serious and deadly, so relie on your doctor and talk with him, so you two can plan your fitting next little steps.

Simply focus on that, and give yourself the time for recovery you need. Not for others, but for you. Because one of that little steps will help you to feel your "you" again, not the you that is always thinking about what she has to do, and what others expect you to do and... but the "you" of you, that is telling you to take yourself serious and for this to be happy without any cause. Give yourself the opportunity to meet a part of you, that seems to have faded away. Its still there, and your doctor will try to help you, as much as he can, so that you find it again.

alpineglow - thanks for your answer (thanks for saying thank you to my thank you?? ) See ... people talk about letting the darkness win etc. But I don't get darkness. Darkness is what others project onto me as the image of depression. To me though I don't feel like I'm in darkness. It's like questionnaires that ask you if you are "feeling blue" or "feeling down". I don't understand those concepts either. I just feel nothing and see no point. All the things you say are possibilities. But they're not possibilities I feel the pull to wait for. I don't get what is so important about life. About being here. About "better" (I think like sweetleaf said - better is not a construct that works for me).

Thelibrarian - again this thing about being better. I don't know what that means. I don't care to strive for it any more. I'm done.

Ann2011 - I've been on lots of different medications, different types, different doses, different combinations. My psychiatrist isn't happy about me stockpiling which is why she won't prescribe any more meds at the moment. Not that I want them anyway - I don't want to take pills to get "better"... I want to die. I have been working with my doctors. I'm actually quite open with my psychiatrist, always truthful, not secretive at all. But you're right - I am not participating in my treatment right now, because I don't want to. I don't see the point.

jennyishere - yes, my husband has actually told me that he doesn't love me. He told me in february that he wasn't sure that he wanted to be with me any more, we have had relationship counselling since March and the upshot is he no longer loves me and does not want to be with me any more. He says he does want to be friends. He has said nothing angry, negative or bitter. He isn't in love with someone else. He hasn't had an affair. He just doesn't love me any more and doesn't want to be with me. Apparently he has been feeling like this for a long time but did not want to say anything because he was worried about making things worse for me and also didn't know how to tell me, but in the end he had to. He is a kind, gentle and generous man and has always been supportive of me (until now). We have to continue living together for a while because until the house is sold, we cannot afford to live separately and the house needs a fair bit of work done before it will sell. I cannot be open about how I am feeling now because he will blame himself and it is not his fault I feel like this. I have felt like this for as long as I can remember, I just stuck around because I felt guilty. Of course I don't want to hurt him and I don't want him to blame himself when I kill myself, but I don't really feel guilty any more. It's just that I know my life is done, and that feels, actually, pretty good to know.

Schneekugel - another well thought out post. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. It may be chemistry. It may be that there is a pill/combination of pills out there that make me feel "better". But I just don't see why this supposed "better" should be a goal anymore. Other people tell me I should make the effort. But why? I don't get it. I'd rather not be here than always be looking for "better".

"Thelibrarian - again this thing about being better. I don't know what that means. I don't care to strive for it any more. I'm done."

Banana, please read carefully your words to me. How can things get better if you have no idea what it would take to make things better? That's like wanting to go somewhere, hopping in your car to go, and not having any clue as to where you're going to. How likely are you to end up anywhere you want to be? It's likely to be as successful as pulling numbers out of the air as answers on a high school math test.

Don't you think that before you call it quits that you should think and reflect on what it would take to make you happy, and see if it can be accomplished?

Don't you think that is what my psychiatrist, support worker, GP, everyone tells me to do? Don't you think I have tried? I try to do what they ask and come up with something but I cannot. There is nothing. I see no point to life. Happy is another thing that doesn't really mean anything to me. I remember last year or the year before describing on here somewhere that I only have three states: OK, not OK, Frustrated. These are the things I understand. OK = I'm OK. I'm thinking about killing myself but I am kind of able to go about the routine of daily living. Not OK means I am thinking about killing myself and I'm not able to go about that routine. Frustrated is generally frustrated with trying to live up to the expectations of others (I.e. live). I don't want to be any of these things. I don't want to be.

I still have sometimes my depression issions, when I have too much work or specially at my PMS. Thats what I meant with its a long, long walk.. So why dont I kill myself, then, when there is no sense to nothing then during that time? Because I already know from experiences, that there will be an end to it. And just as it seems to me in that moments, that there is no sense and no joy in anything and I dont understand the person I am between that depression eposides and how I can feel the way I can feel between my depression issues, it will be then the opposite. I will not be able to understand, why I was so depresse, and how I could have thought the way I thought, and the terrible things I wanted to do. When I have that issues for some days from now and then, it is easier for me, because its at least "only" mental and I know it from experiences. It doesnt help me, so I still feel the way I feel, but as example when I know that it will mostly be "simply" my PMS issues, telling me everything is meaningless and senseless I shut myself down for the PC, try to keep my braind busy and focused, so that I dont my mind is not free to get more and more into that tornado of bad thouhts. I am simply accepting it and dive thorugh, until its done. When its about too much work and I am getting into my burn out again, I start to do the things again I was told in therapy, and it gets better again.

The thing is, that it will be for me much easier now, because of me normally trying to avoid things, that I know that they can get me depressive again.So I only have smaller issues now from now and then, and they are much easier to come bye. As example you mentioned that you are accepting to meet people and cope as they wish and so on... thats something I dont do anymore, when I am that bad. When I have a influencia that is far less deadly, I simply tell people that I am not well, and dont care how they feel about me not visiting them. I dont tell myself, that I have to cope, because I "only" have a depression, so I have to function for others. When I am in danger to get serious ill again, then healthy other people are not the ones I should care for. While if you have it that now for a long time, then you are not only mentally drained, but also phyisically drained and tired, and that makes it normally so hard to go against a major depression. Thats why you normally need someone to help you to go and aid you with the first steps until you feel at least that much better, that you can go alone.

The thing why I go on, when its again all meaningless and senseless its because of me now knowing, that it will not stay this way. When its about my dumb PMS its only about two days, that I simply try to block from my mind. When its about getting into Burn Out again, then I know it will get better again, if I do what I learned during my major depression and take more care for myself again. I simply know now, that its only a time phase, and that I can go on against it, and that I am happy to have done so, when its over and that its worth it. I also know and accept, that I cant "feel" it being worth when I am in depression. But I have the logic knowlege from experience and focus on that. I dont fight against my depression, because I know that I dont have the power to do so, when I am into it. I simply go my little step, and know that the moment will come again, when I am out of it again .

Maybe try to give yourself such little steps too. Things you like or liked before your depression. Nothing thats exhausting you. Maybe taking a normal bath at home and reading a book. Or get yourself the new episodes of a series you like? Or do a little walk around the block, when the weather is fine. Buy yourself something nice to eat, that you normally always tell yourself..."Uh, its nonsense and to expensive..." like a good chocolate or strawberries? Dont care, that it seems senseless for you and dont push yourself too much about it, because its normal that it wont help at the beginning. But there is also nothing bad about it. So you were depressed before you made your little walk, afterwards you are still depressed...so nothing bad happened to worry about, simply everythings the same. Its simply like doing exercises when you where physically hurted...you wont feel any change on the day you do it. But that doesnt mean, it doesnt help. If you dont get any ideas, maybe try the trick "What would my childself instead of me, now choose to do as little step, if it was here..." Dont overdo it, if you feel tired all the time, maybe simply try to give you one little step on the weekend, only one small little not exhausting thing you could do as first step to get yourself out of that draining tornado of bad thoughts.

Banana, because of my circumstances, I essentially had to figure out things for myself. Here is my advice: Imagine putting your hand on a hot stove. At that time, happiness would consist of pulling your hand away as quickly as possible. Granted, most of life is more complicated than this example, but the principle still applies. Think of exactly what it is that is making you so unhappy, and what it would take to make that unhappiness go away.

As for me, I was born very gifted and very aspie in a time when nobody had ever heard of such a thing. My family had high hopes for me, and when it became obvious I wasn't going to meet their hopes, they began to resent and hate me. And since I was almost always the brightest kid in class, and didn't do well, my teachers were similarly hostile. And since we constantly moved because of my father's job, I had no friends to speak of. I've been completely on my own since I was sixteen.

I had to sink or swim; it was either learn to be functional or be out on the streets--literally. This situation put such extreme discomfort on me that, like fingers on that hot stove, I had to figure out a way to make things better.

Several of the conclusions I came to was that I wanted to live as far removed from my major source of torment and unhappiness: Other people (though I now see that all people aren't bad by any means). And since I didn't do very well at menial jobs, and had to support myself, I relied on my strength, which is a lifelong and very intense intellectual curiosity. This is why I became a librarian.

There is obviously more to my biography than this. My point is that I had no choice but to make plans on what would make me happy at a very young age; it was me against the world. Like that hot stove, my nightmare life was my motivation to realize my goals. And now I would call myself reasonably happy, which began for me at about age forty when everything began falling in to place. Before that, my life too was a total nightmare. Now, there is very little I would change about my life.

We're all different, so what works for me might not work for you. My point is that I am living proof that things can get better. Fifteen years ago, I never dreamed things could be so good. I want you, as well as everybody else around here, to be able to say the same. It IS possible.

Will you try?

YellowBanana: TheLibrarian is far smarter & wiser than me, so read and think about what he says as it has more validity and potential than what I write. I will be honest and tell you I wish there was really a thing I could tell you with certainty that could help you, (- as well as me). Here is the only thing I can tell you. The tiny bridge or thread that I hold on to (lol with the arm that isn't currently broken and in pain) is that I made a promise to myself not to commit suicide until my kid is done growing up. In the morning when I wake up to another failure of a day, I remind myself that the kid wants breakfast, laundry done, house clean, dinner, etc. so even though I don't find any value to myself past these tasks, I get up and slog through. Because it is actually less trouble for everyone concerned if for now I stay alive in the current capacity in which I exist. I try to remind myself that if I talk as little as possible, then I won't be making trouble for the kid or others. So I though I don't want to 'be', I stay around for now; Because suicide would be trouble for others at this time. Do you want to give staying alive a chance; then just pick some small or large reason to stay alive. It needs to mean something to you personally; could be a cause, a plant, an animal/pet, a goal, pretty much anything. A friend of mine who committed suicide told me he'd be here for me no matter what. I guess he lied. Suicide does a terrible toll on those you leave behind. Just saying.
Thanks, again.
Edited to clarify.

Banana, actually I think Alpineglow hit upon a great idea in terms of an immediate goal. I've always been a dog lover, and have had a dog constantly since I was in my late twenties. Having a dog did some very important things for me:

1. Dogs provide unconditional love. This was very important to me when I was all alone, and moving on little more than anger and hatred for everything and everybody. My dog was something positive in my life.

2. Even if nobody else needed me, my dog did. She gave me a reason to keep going.

3. A smart dog can sense our moods. When I come home happy, she is thrilled to see me. When I'm not so happy, she puts her head in my lap and looks up at me with big, soulful eyes filled with empathy. For me at least, my dogs always made it hard for me to stay depressed for long.

4. With a dog, as with children as Alpineglow mentioned, it's just not possible to get so wrapped up in myself and my problems. A wise man once told me that when we are totally immersed in our own problems, we are behind enemy lines.

So, my recommendation to you would be to get yourself a border collie. I have a nine-month-old right now, and she is the light of my life. Although just about any dog will do, border collies are eerily intelligent, and spend their lives ready to serve their master. They have an intelligence and expressiveness that is almost human, but still very canine in terms of being uncritical. These are actually sheep dogs, and they have been bred for centuries not only to be good companions to lonely shepherds, but to do the shepherd's bidding without question or complaint.

The downside to the border collie is that they resemble children in that they are so active; they don't sleep a lot the way other breeds do. But, again, this is an advantage for aspies; it is about feeling needed and getting outside of ourselves and our problems. In any case, it sure beats that feeling of being all alone.

I hate to be the vinegar in the wine, but depression is not going to be cured by changing your circumstances. It is a chemical illness (and a dangerous one.) I respect that everyone has had trials in their lives and has struggled to overcome them, but that's nothing to do with depression. When depression becomes a threat to one's functioning the best way to treat it with medication.

I'm not going through my life history, but I am in a place where things are the way I like them, but if I want to keep functioning, I still have to take anti-depressants.

There seems to be a trend toward blaming the sufferer for not doing enough to make themselves happy. This is like blaming an amputee for not being able to walk. This just frustrates me so much. YellowBanana, I have lived most of my life feeling like you do and I know how difficult it is. But don't blame yourself - you have an illness, not a failing of character.

Hey YellowBanana,

Really, you don't need someone else to live for. There are many things to live for just for yourself. I know the big picture can get pretty messed up and seem hopeless, but its something of an mirage.

Life is also made up of many little things. Some are good, like a favorite food, type of movie, visiting a favorite place, etc.

Take heed also to what others have said about getting help. Depression and related things can really overcome your brains natural sense of self preservation. I think a therapist and perhaps meds or meds change can help you turn it around. Be really honest with them. They need to know what really is going on inside you.

oding is a terrible way to kill yourself

YellowBanana,

If you get this post, I can tell you what i went through myself. I don't know if it would help you, but I can try.

For a long time, I had felt like you did. I never had a suicide plan, but I had felt that misery. My misery was such, that I wanted my life to be done. I hated it, I'd ask God to kill me, because I said to him, "I'd be much happier in Heaven." I'd always hope that when I was commuting on my bike, that a car would come by and crush my body. It felt like nothing was important anymore, so why try?

There is a title of a book on suicide that I felt fitting for this state: Night falls fast. Because the feeling is just that, a bleakness before the end, and thereafter, an eternal night.

I was in so much mental pain, that the only way out seemed to be death. I'd gone to the hospitals, they couldn't understand what I was going through. I would try to talk to my parents, but me saying "I wish I could die,' always made my mom upset. I couldn't talk to my father either, he'd just get mad.

Often I'd hope that I'd just die in my sleep, as pills and guns and anything like that was too upsetting.

I didn't care about anyone else, they didn't know the deep pain, they didn't know the primal need to escape it, the one need that surpassed all else. It's like you scream, and no one hears you.

I can't tell you that I fought bravely, that somehow I found the magical thing that got rid of it. because when I was in it, I wanted to not fight. I just wanted to die.

I could tell you the reason for all of this misery for me, and maybe it will sound dumb. I am infertile. Sometimes me knowing I am infertile makes me feel like a non person, that I am nothing, that I am defective. When everybody makes it sound like being a mother is the 'essence' of a woman, I think, "Am I a woman, or a thing?" Or that when someone dies, someone almost always makes a snide comment about, 'Thank God it wasn't a parent.'

I did find eventually a way to beat it, but I had to face the hell directly. Otherwise it would rule me. I didn't want to leave a corpse, I didn't want to have anyone see my body play out it's death reflexes. For did you know the person's body s**ts itself, everything lets go. Or that sometimes they don't find you for a while, and you have bloated 3 times your size, with flies crawling into your mouth and laying eggs? That's what often happens to suicides. it's not as dignified as it is assumed. And the cops make fun of your body, calling you 'stiff' and commenting in a crude manner on your body.

I know it is extremely hard to go against the depression, especially when you absolutely feel like there isn't anything left. But there is always something more, even if we can't at the time summon up a happy memory. Or feeling like no one cares. But the person has to try, or it wins.

I will also say this: When you are extremely depressed, your thinking becomes heavily distorted. You get a 'tunnel vision,' where only one solution feels right, often to an unnatural degree. The person goes to the extreme end of the solution options.

One question I will ask you: If you had the option that offered a way to take away the pain, without it being death, would you choose it if you could? Or would you still choose death?

As I had written, the things I discribed was simply my homework, I got from my therapist. It was not meant instead of therapy or medication. But I have already recommended her to take her therapy and medication serious. More I cant do, because I am no therapist, so I cant do therapy with her, and I am no doctor, so I cant subscribe her medication. The thing I could do myself as affected with depression, was my "homework" that I described. All of that together helped me getting out of depression.

About lifelong medication: Depression means, that there is something right now wrong with brain chemistry. That can be because of certain emotional causes, and if you work on that and are able to get rid of the emotional cause, causing the emotional chaos affecting your brain, and are able to fix it again, there is no need to lifelong medication. If there is whyever simply a physical cause that you cant help, causing the brain chemistry to be wrong, then there can be a need of life long medication.

However: Thats what doctors and therapist do exist for, by forum nobody can tell what medication is needed or how long it will be needed. Thats why I have written to work with the doctors. I did not only do my homework that I have written about, as I have written I also had therapy and little medication, and all of this were parts of the little steps I did. So no cause to blame around, somebody would have written, that there would be no therapy needed, and no medication IF HER DOCTOR recommends that.

I'm really sorry, YellowBanana. Your situation sounds really painful and difficult and I have no magical advice to offer. However, you seem to be an intelligent and reasonable person, and it's hard to accept that your life is "done". It really concerns me that you've been feeling terrible for as long as you can remember- it sounds as though you have not been receiving medication that manages your mental illness effectively. Has your psychiatrist been aware of this, and if so, what has been done about it?

I know that the right medication can make a HUGE difference- a close friend of mine who was desperately suicidal as a result of severe PTSD, chronic pain and divorce is now managing his mental health quite well thanks to a combination of Zyprexa and two antidepressants. He calls Zyprexa "the magic pill" and is certain that he would be dead without it. He trialled five other anti-psychotics and several antidepressants (and three psychiatrists) before finding the ones that worked for him.

Please talk to your psychiatrist to find out whether more can be done to help you. You shouldn't have to cope with feeling like this. Jenny

YellowBanana, stop in here briefly and let us know you're, well, still with us, please.

Banana, I will second Alpineglow's request. We're concerned about you.