How to get people to accept and respect your answers?

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I would try changing your style of clothing. See what makes men react and what makes you look invisible...which I assume is what you want. Change make-up perhaps? Do you *want* to look attractive though?

I think people are more likely to take you less seriously because of the expressionless aspie look. I think it makes people believe that we're unsure.

I first thought it odd that people didn't respect your answers IRL...but then I thought - if your answers are anything like the way you speak on this board, you don't appear very forthright, and you appear very friendly and fair. Perhaps these men take your friendliness as a hint that you actually are into them when you aren't. I'm not saying be rude, but maybe reject them with a very serious face and no smiling.

Or you can start talking about babies.

I remembered you said this:

Have you ever tried noting the differences between you and your girlfriends in how you deal with men? What is it about them do you think that puts men off? Perhaps you could adopt their strategies for how they (willfully or not) push men away.

For instance, being busy and unavailable is exactly what draws men (and women) to each other. You said you had special interests and are busy with those. What kills a persons' attraction for someone else is too much of their availability. A lack of availability is attractive. I think a lot of women are obsessed with finding a partner and don't have much interest for anything else, which is a big turn off. You on the other hand have your interests which are more important to you, which is a very attractive quality because it makes you less available. And, I think it's rare in a woman.

Kjas, (sigh) big hugs! I am 37 years old and finally getting that respect I deserve (more often than not). I think you nailed it on the head. Your appearance, shyness and sex make you appear like a passive person.. particularly to the men you date. I say that because they are judging you from what they see, since they're just starting to get to know you. When men do that, huge red flags. Don't waste your time in dating them. Some men seek women out who ARE shy, insecure, passive - so they can be controlled.

I've had to deal with this issue all my life. For me, I'm female, petite, short and look quite a bit younger for my age. To put it into perspective, when I was 20, most people thought I was 14. When I was 32, most people thought I was 24. Add my son into the mix, people thought I got pregnant as a teen - which made me appear "irresponsible" - which meant I had no credibility.. not only from the people I dated but from paraprofessionals I had to work with for my son, daycare workers, teachers, neighbours, etc.

So ya, I hear ya. Keep your stubbornness. It's adoring on a young, petite, shy girl, like yourself and when you get to be my age, they'll finally take you seriously. In the mean time, have a little fun with this. Dig in your heels!

I tried some strategies the other night. One may have worked, because it did get rid of three. HA! Then again, maybe those 3 just know me well enough now.
I'll try out some more suggestions in the next few weeks and see what brings consistent results.

Do I want to look attractive? Eh, not really - I am so focused on the special interest that as long as I am clean, comfortable and can move freely, I'm happy. Already I don't wear make up. Last time I went out in a long sleeved light top and jeans with flats. It doesn't really seem to matter if I wear a really low cut halter with a shirt, a tight short dress, or a tank top with jeans, the reactions are the same and pretty consistent. My attitude seems to matter more than my clothes.

I don't smile much at all unless I'm with friends. I often have people telling me to smile or make eye contact. Usually with my face people seem to assume that I am angry, sad, didn't understand or are unsure.

Usually I get in trouble by being too direct on this board.
Well noted. I will stick to simple "No" without the reasoning, which means they will have nothing to argue with.

They push men away accidently by being, as you said, too available. And too interested. Not enough of a challenge I guess . That's a bad way to say it - it's a lot deeper than just that - but a lot of them need it to be interested to begin with, and to know that they have priorities and some kind of standards. I also notice that they tend to coo over every little thing that a guy does for them. While I am always polite and always say thank you properly and really mean it if someone does something (with a smile, or a kiss on the cheek with friends if appropriate) - I don't go all gaga over every little thing like they do or mention, or hang off their every word, look at them constantly or give them compliments all the time (although I do touch friends a lot, but that's just me). I also notice they tend to bore them with conversations - I am more likely to talk motorbikes, surfing or boxing with them and such, when I have to talk at least.

I can't really do what they do because a) I'm not NT (those kinds of social skills are far beyond my abilities) and b) That is *totally* not me. If I tried, everyone would be asking when I had a personality transplant.
While I am looking for elements to incorporate, even when I mention "babies", they don't do the typical running thing (apart from the fact that I don't want them), instead they do deal with serious stuff very well. Apparently desperate is not just in words, but in something else. This week I had 2 ask me to be their girlfriend (to their credit, I do know both of them somewhat so it wasn't like I met them that night).

EDIT: I should not that I'm not looking for anything at all. It's just been going slightly crazy more than usual since last September.

Last edited by Kjas on 22 Jul 2013, 4:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

Each person has there own challenges in life. Some are things you are not born with, or recieved a lower then normal ammount (looks, physical and mental abilities, etc). There is also natural and enhanced personna. But a lot also has to do with how you process and manage what you do have. I am not sure what you call that ability.

I think a lot of people, when young particularly, spin their wheels trying to get acceptence and approval on a wide scale. But it is essentially wasted as you don't need 100 admirers. You only need one. Better I think to put your effort into searching for someone within the smaller group that appreciates ones specific qualities. But I don't mean that as a justification for being lazy and not doing the work necessary to be physically presentable and maintaining that. That is something that shows your partner you care as well as for your own health.

Just from a initial impression I think you have a good set of attributes and ability Kjas. What you may be running into that is frustrating is not so much a personnel issue as a pandemic one concerning the disparity/inequality between men and women. Its not an easy problem, because besides cultural traditions, I think there is also a physical element that must be overcome - that being that people are still, if you follow the scientific model, decended from a primative line of primates and have some remaining built-in coding or predispostion. I would imagine in time that will fade if we continue on the same trajectory, but will be a lingering factor for some time.

It is not going to be the same with all men. Some are more naturally agreeable to the idea and practice of equality. Many however, probably most will have some difficulty with it. Some social trends help, some harm.

So what you are left with is having to fight for, demand, you be treated as an equal and not settle for less. In your favor, if you live in the US or Europe, the laws at least are working in the right direction. Reality however falls way short. Way way short. I suppose its like any other aspect you find out about a friend/partner. Do they already have the right attitude or are they willing to learn is the important thing I think.

I appreciate the posts Toy.

Currently I live in Australia. While it is quite strongly feminist there is still a strong macho element which leads to a lot of social rules being confused here. While the law is on my side, I don't usually have issues with Aussies, as they don't really do this - or when they do I don't notice (at least I don't have issues with them approaching - other things are a different story). Usually those who approach are other foreigners, hence where the issues arise to an extent usually because they're not so up to date with the whole feminism thing.

I should note that I am really *not* looking for anything right now, at all. Which is probably why this frustrates me so much.
I have never much cared for attempting to attract men per say at all really, and certainly never tried to appeal to a wider scale.
I tried to learn dating etiquette years ago so I would have something to work with and understand stuff better but that was about it. (mostly so I would understand why they would get so upset with me and why )

Quick update: Apparently I was wrong last week. Said 3 were back at it this week, plus others. Most strategies listed here not working so far.
One particularly unpleasant incident on Sunday night highlighted the need to do something about this - if pepper spray were legal here, I would have used it.
I am seriously tempted to try your business card idea now Neilson - am I going to do it this week just for laughs.

In the meantime, any other ideas really are welcome. I am going to go through this methodically and try everything, more than half I already have.

Are these guys obsessed just with you or are they dogs with the horn trying it on with every women?

The latter, mostly. One or two get me to translate for them when they are trying to pick up other women
It's annoying and constant and very stressful when they do it to me (stress is the part that is why it bugs me, that and the lack of respect) but I manage to hold my own.

The incident on Sunday was the former. Hopefully I will never have to see him again now though.

All I can say is good luck, I hope you find a solution soon.

The attempt at wide appeal was something I thought you might be seeing around you being done by others. It was pretty clear that you were not using that approach.

You are the second person who has described Aussie guys in a similiar way, though I know you leave a lot out. It was a bit surprising in that from the outside their reputation is over-the-top and in your face hard drivers. But I only interfaced with them a little in sport and in the military where that is not really inappropriate, just max competitive.

I also know your country like many these days is inundated with immigrants.

But more back to topic a basic problem is the attitude of men towards women in many cultures and also the new international culture as created by media and the internet. The most virulent form goes like this:

Ask for it
Insist
Take

I can't tell you how much I hate this. It denies the other person their most basic value as a human being and feeling conciousness.

I do see a lot of girls doing the wide appeal thing, it's very common here.

I'm not going to speak about Aussie guys on this thread.
Mostly because I am an immigrant here myself, and some will undoubtedly take it the wrong way, despite the statistics that state the facts very clearly.

And you practically explained the entire thing I have been trying to get across this thread in 3 lines.
At least what neilson termed "horn dogs" only do the first, and at worst the second - and they do not hold it against me after I have made the choice, because they know they will find another girl who will do it.
Unfortunately that is not the case for some of the others - a few who have gone all the way to 3 or tried to.

Its difficult to talk about this subject, as it is one of the few that tends to make me over-react in anger. To illustrate that, I could say that a person who treats another as a thing, a object, lacks humanity. It is almost as if they are a form of zombie, consuming others. I can wish they were obviously zombies and then they could be dealt with.

How to counter it is one of the pervasive problems of our time, for it is no longer accepted, at least in theory in many places, but in practicality still exsists and can even resurge . As far as how to deal with it, it is hard to come up with solutions. I can think of a few easier ones, but they are in the area of preventive measures.

One is never to set yourself up to be in someone elses power (by this I mean people whom you do not know well and trust). I would not be a passenger in a car, but instead always drive your own.

Be in a group (of friends) when going out, except if you are with a trusted close friend. Avoid situations where people can be alone with you.

Really evaluate the folks you will spend time and do things with.

You really can't take much at face value, but people have to be observed and proved out over a extended period of time. There are things I believe one can look for that give clues and insight into a persons nature, but even those cannot be trusted alone, and must still be tested. How a person handles defeat can sometimes tell you more about them, then when they are successful.

No one ever listens to me and that suits me fine. I really don't care.

The speaker who senses then bullies the ASDer is well skilled at his or her art.

We ASDers seem to give off cues (tone, pacing, other subtleties of voice, not to mention body language or lack thereof, or, an awkward version). The bully has something like a homing device, locks it in for the kill, then ... blam!

We don't know what hit us. What seemed a normal conversation results in something seemingly irrational. The words are not what they seem. Disaster ensues.