Do you reach points of absolute despair?

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I lived there for almost a year, and hope never to be back again. I can find something of value in life if things get rocky, and I try not to take anything for granted.

I'm almost always at a point of absolute despair. When I'm not in despair, I feel somewhat numb, but always fearful of returning to the despair, and I always do return to the despair, and for long periods of time. I feel like my body is just a cage made to torture me. Sometimes I lay in bed for a long time because there's nothing better to do, and I feel like my body is going to explode, so I have strong voluntary convulsions for about a minute, until it gives me a headache and my heart is racing. I just lay there and thrash around until it hurts, and it doesn't really help anything.