Horrible.

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how do you know losing 100# won't make you feel better?

Losing over a hundred pounds may benefit my health, but not my psyche.

have you done it before? how do you know it won't make your psyche happier from feeling physically better? I don't mean to seem a nag, but I can tell you that when I lost weight it had that kind of buoyant effect on me. what else do you think it would take to make your psyche feel better?

An act of God, really. I've tried exercise once or twice, but it's never effective. I can't even get myself motivated to do simple tasks, like get out of bed in the morning. Thinking positively is a joke; if anything, it's a rip-off.

You are feeling completely hopeless. We get that. However whenever you ask for help, and people respond, you reject every suggestion. Deep down you want help, I think, though the first step is perhaps developing the courage and willingness to accept it.

You say "nothing works' but you haven't tried everything yet. No-one ever has.

Right now you are your own worst enemy. Why?

I've been asking myself that very same question. The only answer I can get is that I feel I'm beyond help. There's another side of me, however, that wants out of this.

trying exercise once or twice is insufficient to give it a chance, it takes a lifestyle change, a determination to do something differently from now on. I had to learn that the hard way over time. I am hoping you can learn it more quickly than I did, while you are still young. but I guarantee that if you stick with it [proper diet and exercise regimen] for a solid month, you will feel better.

I still haven't made much progress with my writing. I try to use it as a form of therapy. A lot of what happens in my stories tend to reflect my life.

I can tell you for a fact, that your writing will improve [your cognition in general will improve] after you improve your physical condition. your brain benefits along with the rest of your body.

Ok. The place to start, I think, is on recovering motivation. Diet and exercise can be useful later, but right now your motivation is far too impaired for that to be successful.

1) When someone is as demotivated and negative as you currently are, there is nearly always very low levels of some neurotransmitters: dopamine, serotonin, gaba in particular. You can get these from foods, from supplementation, or from prescription drugs. There is a mass of information about these online, only a few fingerclicks away, and you can do these online searches in bed (if you have a laptop).

2) Also you might start (still in bed) by googling some websites on schemas: you appear to have - from what you say - a self-sabotaging schema (or three) implanted in you psyche. Make notes as you read on what seems to gel with your experience as you read about schemas and the way past schemas affect current states.

If you sabotage yourself again by saying "why bother, that would never help" then you are unwilling to improve your lack of motivation at this stage. You aren't ready. When things get bad enough, we usually do something about them. But some people have to hit rock bottom first, and maybe you aren't there yet.

Be honest open and willing with yourself about what you are prepared to change. And what you are not.

Good luck on your journey. Hope you get unstuck soon.

I posted a thread about my WIP novel and it's antagonist in the Art, Writing and Music sub-forum. Thought you guys might be interested.

reconstructing Eva deserves a publisher

You really mean that? Wow.

there's room in the market for such, especially in young adult and teen.

Many of the world's creative geniuses including writers, poets and musicians have suffered from depression; you're not alone. I believe your creative potential will help you to get over your current self-doubts and feelings of worthlessness. We here on the forum are not qualified to give medical or psychological advice; however, we can empathize as many of us have been there.

Best of luck with the book venture, go for it: nothing ventured, nothing gained. I am also a writer, with hitherto unpublished work, (children's sci-fi / fantasy) looking for the right opportunity.