I think that the people who fight to live, have something to live for, they have friends, have many fun experinces, and many to come, people who they love, and why would anyone give that up. I'm not saying Robin didn't, but I don't knwo his life, so I'm not judging.
I would like nothing more to give up, becuase I have a very hard life. I have a curse. I struggle very much daily with a lot. I don't have friends, never did, I lived a life ong journey of nothing but pain and misery.
The only reason I am still alive, is becuase of my parents (ironically, since we don't get along as much, nor do they understand me, and they shut me out. I think about other people, and how they would judge. Thinking I'm stupid for taking my own life, weird kid took his own life. I'm haunted everyday, I see things that I can't or don't have, and struggle very much to get it, but I have absolutely no guidance on how to get it. I see friends, girls, best friends, who are very close and have a very close bond, and many take it for granted. I see girls, that I fancy and would like to get to know, but if they see me, especially if I happen to be looking their way, they judge, give me an awful look, which I hate. It hurts. I'd give up everything to be them.
I'm haunted by intrusive thoughts. Many, many bad experinces, that I relive everyday, things I wish I have doen, but didn't, so many mistakes, enough to sink a battle ship. I see bullies, judge me and say the most awful things to me all the time.
Lately, I've bee having intrusive thoughts of this girl I like back in high school, and I keep picturing myself, trying to help her, and be friends with her. She was like me. I have this ability to sense people (I wouldn't call it an ability for all the good it does). I never liked my life. I have only very few good memories, having fun, and not being awkward. All this hurt an emotional pain. I wish I could trade it for getting the crap beat out of me everyday, by a group of thugs. Emotional pain is worse, in my opinion. This curse is worse than cancer, becuase it's an awful, awful life, that you got to life with. I've always been, awkward, even for someone with Autism. Even epople with Autism and stuff don't understand me, becuase I am very different. I had very different, life experinces, and I have very different problems, becuase of them.
I would love to have normal problems, break-up problems, finance problems, etc. Problems that everyone can relate to, at least. Not intrusive thougths, or that I' not happy about my gender, or that I feel I'm a girl in the bdoy of a guy, or that I can sense things, other people can't, etc. Or that I get flashes in my head, or random girls having fun with their friends, and having a close bond, knwoing what it's liek, and that I can't experince it. Knwoing things, that I wish I didn;t know, and things that are awward to bring up. It's frustrating, not being able to explain these problems correctly, in a way that anyone could possibly understand.
I'm the cloest thing to an alien, than anyone else.
In high school, I would talk on a cell phone, all of the time, becuase I was lonely and shy. I made myself appear different. I was suspecious and people thought I was with the CIA, or something. I liked that I had people guessing. But it sucks, that I did that to cover up my loneliness, and sadness. I would pretend to be someone undercover as a high school student, and that I would be talking to friends, who worked with something, similar to me. The phone wan't even activated. I had a plan for in case anyone found out and be clever and say that I do it so that I didn't have to pay phone bill, and that if you pressed some numbers and the phone number, that it would trick the network into the thinking the phone was activated. It felt exciting. Sometimes, I would run through to hall, pretending that there was something going on, but didn't let on anything. I also, been sorta decrete, but just enough for some people over hear some of the conversation. I also, looked up what other things I could do, like hack the soda vending machine. I could just get into the debug menu, but it had people guessing and people talking. People sorta liked me, but I didn't hang around with anyone. They thought I was cool and I liked it. They didn't know that I was a fake, becuase I was lonely and awkward beyond words and wished I had friends. Whenever I tried to make friend, I got pushed away. They could sense that I was awkward and judged me.
When I'm in the car, I would talk to myself and pretend to be doing a video blog or something, if there were no good songs on the radio. I sorta felt that people can somehow, hear me. I had this thought that my parents somehow had a microphone in my car, becuase they somehow knew stuff, like I made CD, and it some Indian songs on it, and one I really like and play over and over again, only when it was just me in the car. After a while of not playing the CD, I played the CD, and when I came my Mom said she mentioned about that song. Just a lot of coincidences.
The main reason why I talk to myself, as if someone else was in the car with me, becuase I am lonely, and that helps me to cope for a little while. Sometimes, the loneliness and stuff is so unbearable. I feel like I'm in a torture chamber, in some dark dungeon, stuck there for a long time, or that I'm trapped in a box, becuase I'm unable to fight this. It sems that everything I need to fight it is taken from me, such as good communciation skills, the ability to draw what I feel or express it in other ways. I feel that I have a curse, that taps into my mind, and gets me to do something, that I feel will be good, but always the opposite. I've made friends with fakes, I've tried to impress my folks, but only got them upset. It just makes me feel so stupid and useess, making to same mistakes over and over again. I can't tell you how many times, I had the same scenerio happen over and over again, that now I expect it, but this curse, for some reason, like I'll get an idea in my head, like change software on my Dad's computer, thinking it'll work out great or something. It's like my past experinces have been erased, until after, and I can;t explain that.
It's so twisted. Another mistake I keep making, is telling my parents about my life, and how I feel. I think, maybe this time is the time, I'll get through, it never does. It's just like how someone aways goes back to someone abusive, thinking this time, it'll ork out, they won't do it again. I guess that's not a curse, I guess it's just me wanting to not give up and hoping that someday, someone will understand. I'm all the time, pretending to be someone else, always in character, becuase I don't like who I am.
I wished I was dead since I was 8 years old, if I remember correctly. An 8 year old should never wish to be dead. It shoud be a time, of aving fun, making friends, and learning. Childhood, is supposed to be happy. Life, is supposed to be happy, but we get into all this problems, over look things, focus too much on things that make us unhappy.
Near the end of junior high, I became really depressed, and lost my good emotions, can't fel happy, exctied, etc. I can but, it takes a lot, it happens very rarely. It's so rare for me to truely feel happy, that I'm not sure what it feels like, which is really sad. I thought about doing drugs, a number of times. I never did. It bothers me when I see people do drugs, especially girls. It's a different feeling, a misture of frustration and envyness. I would give anything to be them. They're life may not be great, but they're beautiful, they ave good communication skills, they don't have to struggle everytime they speak, and they have conection with people, good friends, people who accept them. Even if they don't have any best friends, or people they can tell anything to, I still wish to be them. This "gift", I can feel that it's like to be them, in different aspects. I get to see things about other people, usuaully negative things, or things that make me jealous. Its not a gift anyone would want, becuase it's overwhelming, the things you see and know. I used to scare people in high school, by telling them things about themselves, and they'll be like "how'd you know that?" I also see different things going on in different parts of the world. It's like a radio, that gets turned on automatically, and off. I'm not sure how to control it, or channel it to get something different, but I see a lot of dark things, and I don't know why I have this "ability". It's hard to live with. I think it started when I got depressed, or maybe it just became more, worse or something when I got depressed, maybe I just noticed it more, becuase I'm sorrounded by much more negativity. There was dark stuff going on in the world before. I just remember, when I was younger, I didn't see the stuf, I do now, whehter, it's in my head, or on TV, or experince. Life before, junior high, was a lot better compared to now. It was still different, just not as depressing, or overwheming, like now. Like when I go into a store, especially by myself. Also, with my folks, I feel like I'm under the microscope. I didn't really get tht when I was younger. Maybe becuase I was younger, and when you're older, more things are expected of you, like better communication skills, acting different, like you can;t act silly. Girls can get away with it, when with a friend, I see it a bit. I can't really describe it. I don't like how girls can act silly in public, sometimes like they act like kids, but it's awkward for guys. I don't like gender differences, or gender expectation, gender roles, things like that, and probably becuase I don't like being a guy, so maybe when I see it I get jealous, and which I could be like that.
The thing bothering me most right ow, is this girl back in high shcool 9-10 years ago. She was kinda a loner. I can sense negative energy about her. I can sense that she didn't talk much. When I walked to the building next to my high school, I would see her sitting in a car, talking to this other girl. I can sense good energy between them (best friends), and that they were close. She was probably one of her few friends. They liked the song "Hinder - Lips Of An Angel". I remmeber asking her her name in the parking lot as she was walking back to school, and she saying "It doesn't matter", maybe it was just the way I asked it, becuase she didn't know me. She probaby felt awkward around me, and probably knows me as the wird kid who talks on his cell phone a lot.
I never knew her name, but I feel that her name would be Alisha or Courtney. maybe Courtney is the name of her friend. I have visions of trying to talk to her and being her friend. Leaving class early to wait outside her class, give her positive comments. At least if I done that, it would have been something. I remember one morning, I was in the hallway, on the lower level and "O' Canada" played, and we have to stop and stand while the Anthem, she was standing like 1-2 feet beside me, and I was wanting so bad to say something to her, but I didn't. She was looking at her phone, the whole time, and didn't see me looking at her. She was really atractive, so I had a hard time, keeping my eyes oof of her.
She had a drivers license. I wish I had a drivers license, back than. The freedom, especially being a younger age, it's be liberating. I remember seeing her drive at least once.
14 Aug 2014, 11:21 pm
