I feel dead

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My friend:

I'm not a lover of therapists myself--however, a therapist (frequently) is an objective voice. He is not your grandparents/parents. You need someone to talk to who has an IMPARTIAL view of things.

It's cool that you're working in a woodworking shop, and have a guy you could relate to. Will this lead to a union position, say, as a carpenter? Does this add to your "journeyman" years?

I'm glad the cuts weren't too deep. Please stop doing this; it's not worth it. It could affect your future should some idiot want to use the cuts for his/her advantage.

I hope this job leads to a union position somewhere.

I just don't know how to find a good therapist. The best one I had was when I was at university. He did listen to me, I just didn't know what was wrong with me enough to explain. I didn't even realize how depressed I really was for a long time, I kept thinking that since I wasn't constantly making suicide attempts and being hospitalized I must be only mildly depressed. So I think I sometimes make my problems seem like less of an issue than they really are, which may be why therapists think I just need to start thinking more positively.

I don't exactly know what journeyman years are or how union positions work, but I do know that I can probably use this on a resume for other similar positions at least, so it will help me to have job security in that regard I guess.

What do you mean about someone using it to their advantage? And I'm not really sure how to stop doing it. I already did it again, and I keep thinking about doing it more when I see sharp things

In certain trades, like carpenter, there are different degrees of (carpenter). You could be a journeyman carpenter, or you could be a master carpenter. Generally, it takes about 5 years or so to go from journeyman to master. You should research this; I don't know how to send links here. You could start by Googling "Journeyman."

If you happen to be good mechanically, you could take tests, or acquire experience--and join unions. You should research this, too.

You should look up some union locals in Idaho. Specifically: unions that have something to do with trades.

I hope someone comes on here who has experience in being a journeyman and in becoming a master at a trade.

Don't do this in front of your boss. They might not like unions because they make employers pay you a decent salary.

You should also look up the civil service websites which pertain to your area. Maybe you could work for the State of Idaho as a tradesman?

Maybe your grandfather or somebody might know something about this.

What I mean about how someone could screw with your life because you cut yourself: A person who works with you might tell the boss that you cut yourself, based upon what he sees. He might just be a rat fink type of person who wants to better himself through ratting on people.

When I have some time, I do some research myself.

I know the feeling. I went from being insanely sensitive to numb as a rock too. Have you heard of ibogaine? People who say theres no such thing as a miracle substance clearly haven't heard of iboga/ibogaine. It resets the brain and brings one back to where they were before they became psychologically/physiologically messed up.

Thanks for the information, I will try to do some research on it too and see what I can find.

As far as the cutting goes... I always wear long sleeves and hoodies anyway, so I don't think anyone will notice. Not to say I think it is perfectly ok for me to be doing it. But for some reason I feel really good afterwards I don't know how else to feel better.

If my boss did find out, what would he do? I heard some of my coworkers talking today about this guy who used to work there, that would cut himself and purposely wear revealing clothes that showed off his cuts, even on his upper thighs, and he talked about it like he thought it was cool He was also apparently stealing things and got fired as a result. But I wouldn't steal, and I definitely wouldn't purposely show anyone what I've been doing. Especially because they'd probably think of that guy if I did.

I want to get a therapist, probably through the same clinic that I am getting my evaluation done with. I would want to have weekly appointments, but the problem is with work; I don't want to have to leave every week for 1-2 hours for appointments. Then I would have to explain the situation (at least somewhat) to my boss, and others at work would probably want to know why I have to leave... I really don't want to deal with that. I hate asking for favors and accommodations. I don't know what to do.



I haven't heard of that. How does it work?

From a pharmacological standpoint, its a mystery how iboga works. It binds to all kinds of receptors including NMDA (antagonist), sigma (antagonist), SERT (inhibitor). From a spiritual and psychological standpoint its an even bigger mystery. Theres a whole lot about the human brain, mind and this world we don't know. A single ibogaine session is like 100 years of psychotherapy packed into a day. More than that because someone can do conventional psychotherapy for their whole lives and never resolve their issues. Ibogaine will get to the core of them and uproot them.

Isn't there are way you could get appointments after work, or on weekends, for your therapist? There has to be some understanding that some people who go to therapists ACTUALLY WORK FOR A LIVING.

LOL....sounds like you have a weird boss. Maybe he's even a cool boss--that would be great!! !! How does he feel about your work?

Maybe, if he's a nice guy, he could help you get into a union (though I tend to doubt this one).

What does your grandfather know about unions? I think, if you ask those sorts of questions, that he'll think you're trying to better yourself.

I understand you don't care what your grandfather thinks (I didn't care what adults thought when I was 19 either). But if he could be of help as to getting into a union, I'd use him!

If you get into a union, and you become a master tradesman, you'll usually get a pension from the union when you retire.

It's interesting: Every state in the USA operates under the "Employment At Will" principle except your next-door state, Montana.

...When you put it that way, maybe I am worrying a bit too much about that aspect of it. I just don't like the idea of having to make a request like that to my boss, and at least as far as I can tell the clinic is only open on weekdays.

He isn't mean, but others have told me he can get mad easily. I haven't seen that happen yet. He usually is pretty friendly actually, but I never know what he is going to say to me. Whenever he says my name it startles me and I visibly jump. And I always feel awkward just trying to talk to him about anything, which he probably notices, so I probably haven't given him a very good impression...

I think he thinks I'm doing pretty well as far as learning how to do everything, but I haven't done a whole lot of work that was entirely my own yet so he doesn't have much to go off of in that regard. The supervisor saw me working and said I did a good job on what I was doing at the time (spraying lacquer).

Also, about asking my grandpa about getting into a union: the thing with my whole family on my dad's side, is that they want me to go on a mission for church. I can't go to be honest, at least not now, for various reasons. But I don't really want to either. I used to want to (sort of) but I'm really just sick of this church right now. Mostly because of the people in it. But the age you are allowed to leave is 18, and normally other boys would have left when they turned 19 at the latest. And it is really a big cultural thing so we are pretty much all expected to go.

The reason that is significant is because they see my job right now as me saving money for my mission. I haven't told them otherwise. If I start mentioning long-term employment they will start to ask, "Well what about your mission?" I wish they would just leave me alone about it. But if I tell them the truth it will make them feel like they need to talk some sense into me about it, so I can't just tell them it's my choice and expect them to leave it at that. That is part of the reason I want to move in with my sister or with my other grandpa (mom's dad). He lives in Alaska, I've always wanted to live there too. But I feel bad because my sister is going to college and has a low paying job, and she has a 2 bedroom apartment so she wants me to live there and I can help with rent. But I can't go till I have a car to drive there. That will take me another month or two at least to get one, and then I also told my boss I could stay for at least 6 months. And I still have my evaluation scheduled for the clinic here. So I am a bit stuck at the moment

You're right....I wouldn't ask the boss to leave before working hours are over. If it's after work, it's none of the boss's business.

I am thinking that your family, at least on that grandfather's side, is Mormon. Yep....they're really into those 2-year missions!

I think it would be beneficial to have a therapist because he/she would be an objective observer, rather than somebody who has a vested interest in your success.

I know it's gotten really cold in Montana, Wyoming, and Colorado. The forecast was for a low of minus 11F in Denver! Since you're west of the Continental Divide, it's possible that it's not so cold where you are. Either way, keep warm!