My head gets so messy once in a while...

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Thanks..
I know I can play well, but sometimes when my teacher starts saying all those abstract things I feel like something is seriously wrong with me and my playing as well. Luckily my new psychologist explained to me today that that is not the case.

I just feel so stressed right now again.. So much homework to do.
Don't know if I mentioned that I do two studies at the same time.

What else are you studying?

I get the feeling you're somewhere in Europe--where classical music is probably more respected than it is in the US. Are you thinking about a career in it?

Musicology. I study at the conservatory in one city and musicology in another city..
I'm already having a bit of a career in it. Going on tour and giving concerts etc.
I'm quite a busy person because of all of that. But if I look at myself 3 years ago I could handle so many more things at the same time. Now I can only do one thing at a day and it feels already full. I don't understand how this happened. Maybe because I'm getting older or something.

It doesn't seem as if you've "lost anything."

It seems as if the content of what you are studying has become more difficult.

That's why, in England, people usually study for seven GCSE passes, yet only three A-Level passes. The material becomes more difficult, and more specialized.

In America, people focus upon their major. It is relatively rare for people to have two majors at once.

That's a very good point. Also, I am sort of amazed that you do anything in addition to your main instrument. For various reasons I won't go into because of privacy, I know a lot of people who studied music, and they generally spent an inordinate amount of time practicing. Just as I spent a lot of time doing some creative stuff. I know exactly what it's like when you spend all your time at school and you have no idea how you are going to get something decent to eat - and you know you will have to, otherwise you won't have the energy to stay and keep working....

I felt as though you were describing me to a T. Although, I do have to see my family once in a while because they are old-fashioned. I have one sibling who is NT but I rarely see them since they are out living their own life.

Cooking food and taking care of myself is a big thing as well. It is actually the focus of my day- what I am going to cook, where I am going to eat. I usually need to block out the entire evening just to figure out what I am going to eat for that day because I am such a horrible multi-tasker. I don't even know how people can get home, shower, make dinner, and then go out all in the same night. That seems insane to me!

I think you are feeling this way because you are still in university and the contrast between you and your peers is very vast. Once you leave university and get an apartment out in the "real world" you will start to feel more comfortable in your own skin and be with people of all ages and circumstances, so you will not feel like you are the odd-man out. Believe, this happened to me and I was so glad I was out of college I can't even tell you.

Just curious, does your family ever try and get in contact with you? when you graduate do you intend on not contacting them still; do you want to move back to your hometown? Does your sibling know of your situation, and if so, do they offer to help?

Yeah I also can't wait to be done with studying. It is such a burden sometimes. Studying at the conservatory I honestly don't enjoy very much anymore, already for a long time.. But it's my last years so better that I finish now.
I don't have any intend to have contact with my family ever again. They are all so messed up. My sibling feels the same about it.
And taking care of myself.. it takes a lot of energy. A lot...

The thing is that I don't have to do a lot to pass everything.. so that is also quite frustrating in some ways, and practical in other ways. I very often really don't know what I'm doing in school. And still I pass. I worked harder when I was in high school and then everything was fine because I had the structure of the day of my family.

I think it is amazing that you are dealing with a diagnosis and maintaining your studies.
It sounds that you are probably too critical of you own abilities.
Have you tried any meditation techniques, yoga or anything similar?

Well, I've been through a lot of stuff already all my life, so that makes me quite strong in dealing with things and feeling like it is normal to deal with all of this at the same time.
I tried meditation but my thoughts are always everywhere. When I feel stressed I just watch tv. Great distraction.

I'm so frustrated and feeling sad. My best friend is here now, but he also feels quite powerless when it comes to how I feel at the moment.
I just don't know what I should do. I feel like I want to be home for a long time, not going outside, but sometimes I have to. And also I miss a lot of college now, which makes me feel stressed.
I just don't know what to do.

I wish I could help you, somehow.

What courses are you taking?

In the US, you could miss a couple of classes a semester, and still get a decent grade.

Some psychological and neurological courses. I know I can miss stuff but I hate it. I just don't know what to do. I want everything to stop for a while.

I know what you mean. It's like a whirlwind, almost a whirlpool.

That's interesting...neurological courses! Autism is a neurological disorder. Is there anything about autism in your course?

What specifically are you learning now in your neurological course? Maybe I could suggest some way to do some research away from the class--which might help you understand the material better.

Well it's not actual neurology I'm sorry I said it wrong. It is a cognitive neuroscience course. I can do a lot of stuff away from class, because there is lot's of stuff I need to read. I just can't do it. I'm just lying on the couch now all day, watching TV.

Yeah...cognitive neuroscience is pretty abstract. I tend not to be able to visualize it. It's interesting though, at times.

Maybe...if you could send me some concepts you're studying, I could find something which simplifies the concept, makes it more concrete.