How to accept limitations?

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I hope you do get to see your psychiatrist and maybe get your meds adjusted. It's Friday 9pm here - did you call?

I am horrified at your mother saying those things about your birth. It sounds to me like she needs some treatment herself. But we'll never fix somebody else, only ourselves. I hope you do save yourself. It's a lot of work but you can. Keep going. Don't give up!

Thanks. I just totally reacted badly to the environment. It was very corporate and they constantly monitored us and gave us "feedback." Even about our behaviour in class. It scared me. I was heading there on the bus and it came to a stop and a bunch of people got off and I just got off too. It was like I physically couldn't go there. It was a ridiculous move actually because the bus turns around at the call centre and comes back the same way - but I guess at the time the cold was better.

I am going to write the transcription test again. I think I was already in a bad frame of mind when I took it.


I will book an appointment tomorrow. I didn't call, but thanks.


Thanks. I won't.
My mother's had a few choice stories to tell me. She's not the maternal type.

So I saw my social worker today and was blithering about my transcription idea and the online site I signed up to. And then she asked about the rate of pay. And I mentioned that I want to take this part time course for medical transcription. Well it turns out that they support such endeavors and that they may pay my tuition. I am waiting to hear, but she was very encouraging. It would be great if this happens because you make way more money if you have a specialized area of transcription. And really there's no way I could pay for it.

I am going to look at a room in a house tomorrow as the rent is really cheap and now that I have no marketable skill, I have to downsize. I'm hoping I can keep my two cats with me, but if not my Mom says she can look after them. I guess I'll find out. I'm going to miss my apartment, though. It's cool living above a tavern on the main drag. But on to the next experience, I guess.

I hope you can stay in that apartment, Ann.

Personally, I dislike it when you talk about the gun.

I can't kraftie; I can't afford it.


I have a lot of anger sometimes. In retrospect I was starting to feel angry on the second day at the call centre. I should have bailed then, but I missed the sign. Trying too hard and tripping myself. Fortunately I turn the anger inward, so no one is in danger ... except me. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about it.

I say keep doing what you're doing. Instead of focusing on your limitations, try to focus on positive things. Look for opportunities. Look for strengths you have. Congratulate yourself on your tenacity and ability to adapt. This too shall pass. I hope that the transcription classes work out.

Thanks. I'm looking forward to starting the classes. In the meantime I have to move.
I found a room in an interesting house downtown. Not far from where I am now. It has an antique shop in the front. I'm moving at the end of February. Then I'll start my class in March.

I saw my psychiatrist today and he completely reversed his diagnosis of me. He now agrees with my previous psychiatrist that I am autistic. I'm not sure what brought about this reversal, but he is of the opinion that if I work on my social skills I will become not autistic again. Lol. He is really old school.

We had an interesting exchange in which he said that people exchange pleasantries like. "How are you. I've been thinking about you," as a way of achieving a sense of being cared about by others. And that they don't literally mean that they have been thinking about you.
However to my mind this is a valueless and superficial exchange in which one person pretends to be concerned about another. My question to him was how could such an exchange leave anyone feeling cared about when everyone knows the concern is not literal. He was perplexed by my take on this.

This exact same plan got me locked up for months and had me lose all my friends, I am not going to tell you not to do it because I am right along there with you. However, if you plan to do this, don't talk about it, ever and don't get caught. Having said that please, please for the love of God, make a new plan cause this s**t ain't going work and your going get locked up.

Been there, done that.

Also having lived a lifestyle I am not proud of, experience tells me that the person trying to sell you a gun is either gonna rob your ass or or is a cop. Don't do something stupid, I am neutral on the idea of death to be honest, but seriously reconsider how you get there.

Well I'm not going to do anything about it right now. I am depressed, but I think I can get a bit better. My mother is hearty so this won't be an issue for a while.

In the meantime I'm going through the motions and pretending to have a life.

I'm sorry you got locked up like that. Must have been scary.

Ok lets take a step back from the suicidal ideations and conquer this question/option. Why are you not on disability? Why can you not apply for disability? If some types of work are to much for you and you can't find employment to stay in your apartment and you have a diagnosis of autism or aspergers than isn't disability worth exploring?

I am on disability. I was hoping to get off it but I've accepted that this isn't going to happen. That's why I'm moving. I can't afford my place on the disability pension.

Aye,

You might just have to accept this then, you can get a pretty good apartment with disability if you get in income based housing. Depending on where you are you might need to stay somewhere else cause they do have waiting lists. However, having disability will bump you on the top of the list cause there are tons of homeless people who don't have disability trying to get in. I know cause I was one of them and while they make exceptions for the non (legally) disabled homeless, they usually wait longer. Just remember this too will past and recognize the things you have going for you. You could be losing your place with no where to go or without disability, I know its hard because I struggle with this but really you are I are blessed to have what we have.

I understand the desire to get off disability, I wish I could be productive too but try and focus on what you have and not on what you don't have or your limits. I might never drive and I might never get a real job but you have to find self worth in other areas of your life. You said you wouldn't act on suicidal ideation until your mother passes, I see value in that comment. Your valuable to your mom and you know this. Life is hard but it takes insight to realize that it can be worse. Focus on the good things around you and not the bad and please don't use drugs and alcohol. It will just take away until you don't have anything left to lose, than you really will have nothing.

I have faith in you, remember what you can do right and don't focus on what you can't do because whats not possible now can be possible in the future.

Thank you for your encouraging words.

I did my annual update with the social housing registry last week. I have been on it for three years and have at least two more to wait.
Here victims of abuse and homeless people get priority. Disability is not considered.

Well the horse is pretty much out of the barn on that one. I've been stoned since 1993. Our new liberal government plans to legalize marijuana so I am happy about that. Never done anything worse except alcohol. Lately not so much though.

Also, I passed my transcription test on the second try and am now certified.
And the board approved payment of my tuition for the medical transcription program. For me this is like winning the lottery.

wishing you better

Well its not a popular opinion but I doubt I am popular on here anyway but weed won't really hurt you if you resist the other stuff. I was referring more to cocaine, ecstasy, heroin and prescription drugs. I am fine on weed but I don't smoke it for legal reasons, I don't see a problem here but I would recommend stopping just for legal reasons unless its legal where you are. You don't need legal trouble to add to your worries, even if you have done it since 1993 and never got caught, I never got caught either but it doesn't mean it can't happen. Just wait until its legal, I have every intention to smoke once its legal so yeah, enjoy.

Also congratulations on the certification

Androbot, it sounds like you are managing fairly well under highly challenging conditions. You passed your transcription test, got approved for tuition, and you found a place to move to.

dcj123, it's refreshing to see you expressing concern and caring to another person and sharing your own experience in a positive way.

I think both of you are okay people. Hang in there.