Words that don't help

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I hate this too, but I think the "you should not feel this way" thing is an interpretation that isn't always intended.

I think understanding is far more important than literally sharing in suffering. It just so happens that sharing in suffering is the only way most people can truly understand. If you haven't been there yourself you just won't "get it".

If you haven't been precisely in an identical situation, then its true that one would not have complete understanding.

If one has been in a situation in a general sense, though, one might have more understanding that what one might think on the surface.

I might not know how it feels to get burnt by fire; but I do know how it feels to get burnt by a hot stove.

One might not have a depressive illness, but one might have experienced situational depression. I believe the person who has experienced situational depression would at least have some insights to share with one who has a depressive illness. A complete understanding of a person with a depressive illness, in the absence of a depressive illness, is elusive. A decent understanding is possible, though.

I don't really think so. I have found that people who've only experienced mild situational depression do not really understand what chemical depression is like, nor chronic depression. Even a person with the same clinical label as another may not understand. The symptoms can be pretty varied.

Beakybird, that's not what I'm talking about. This is when someone in the same situation is saying "you're not the only one" meaning they are going through it too and "so are a couple of other people you and I know"

Kraftiekortie and Bender know what I'm saying. And yes the point is for me to be buoyed up by the fact that I am not a freak and not the only person on the planet who feels this way.

I agree with Marshall. There are levels of depression. I've tried to give Marshall advice before and then realised I don't have the same kind of depression and I began to realise that I wasn't helping at all, so although I empathise, I don't understand completely. Though I still care.

But my scenario for the comment in my Op is someone in the same circumstances, well, actually someone in worse circumstances. This person isn't ignorant or condescending or thinking they're better than me.

I just take no comfort from knowing I'm not alone in my feelings, it means nothing to me, which I think is an aspie thing.

I'm finding the older I get, the harder the struggles become. All my working life, I have tried to fake being a NT. I just can't do it anymore. I'm an insomniac too. That's why I am writing this at 3:45am.

Same for me, I just never compare myself and my life to others in that way, I don't take comfort in others sharing my grief, I don't get upset with those who have a better life. I don't feel envy either for the same reason. I just don't feel connected in that particular way to others, but I'm told it's the opposite for most people and this kind of "connection" is very important to them.

Yep, autistic burnout, you'll find many posts about it on this forum. It seems almost unavoidable for adults who are forced to function in both professional and social environments without attracting too much attention, at the cost of mental, emotional and physical exhaustion.
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I am a bit jealous of people who are able to connect with others. I have no idea how to do that or what it feels like.

Oddly enough when people say to me don't be jealous of those who have relationships, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, they might not be as happy as you think. that doesn't make me feel anything either. I am feeling like I want to develop my own ability to have a loving relationship. I need to try and be more open and understanding and be more approachable, and not be so austere. Whether other people are happy or not in their relationships has no bearing on my ability to connect with a man and be there for him.

I guess that is meant to mean, "you're better off alone than in an unhappy relationship."

I really do think I've hurt someone recently and I didn't mean to. He doesn't even know I like him. Knowing that there are other people having relationship problems doesn't change what's happened between us. It doesn't make this hurt less.

I do connect with others, just not in that way. This "disconnect" has been sometimes an unexpected advantage.



It sounds like you mostly want a relationship to experience the closeness and all that entails, the rush in the beginning, the love and friendship that built over time (although it's hatred and contempt sometimes). You don't sound "jealous" to me, you just want to experience something for yourself without necessarily begrudging others what they have. I don't see any malice or resentment in your posts, just pain.

Thank you. I'm glad someone understands.

I understand, theoretically, that knowing other people go through the same struggles or have it worse than I do helps some people cope with their own problems.

I can see the idea behind "I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet."

But no, thinking about all the people who are in the same boat or worse off than I am doesn't really help much, at least not when it's people who don't experience the same kind of struggles I do who try to help me get over it with these comparisons.

That said--coming here, and talking with other people who do experience the same problems I encounter, does help. Telling me that other people have it just as bad are worse doesn't. Telling me that you know what I'm going through because you've been there, or are there, now that makes a difference. That kind of sympathy is far more encouraging than "it could be so much worse" or "just be glad you're not going through *this* worse thing."

Odd that you bring this up, because it's tied into what I'm going to say, and what I'm going to say goes against, in a way, what you are saying.

The thing that I don't like about being told 'other people have it worse' the most is that usually those people are referring to external sources of anguish. But my experience of an external source of anguish, say a parent dying, might not actually be anguishing, while yours might be horrible, but there are steps you can see and do and go through. With that said, when the source of the anguish is internal, like someone suffering from major depressive disorder, the external part of life doesn't even matter.

I suppose what I'm talking about only applies to mental illness though. It's frustrating when people seem to think that its the events in your life that are the problem when no, it's not the events in your life that are the problem. And 'other people have it worse' seems to only be useful as a thing to say and useful as a comparison when the events themselves are external issues in your life. Like, how I respond to something happening around me can determine my state of being, which is why losing the ability to respond in ways that will end up making me happy, is frustrating.

I realize I didn't say some things that I didn't quite...parse into words properly my last post.

There are 2 things that I think someone who says 'Other people have it worse than you' that have not been mentioned.

1. Sometimes I feel there is an implicit (or there is an explicitly stated) '...they are coping and dealing, therefore you should be able/are able to as well.' I generally find this sort of sentiment aggravating.

2. If you have good empathy, you can imagine yourself in that person's place and momentarily make yourself feel as bad as if you had that person's problems. Following that, there will be a point of relief to realize that you are in fact, NOT in that position. At the very least, the result can provide a moment of relief. It's an exercise in changing internal perspectives of your experiences, and could be quite valuable to some people. It can work because an experience is NOT objectively good or bad, most experiences are relative. For instance, eating bread and water if you've only eaten bread and water for 2 years is going to be probably a neutral or easily a negative experience. But if you've not eaten for a week, eating bread and water will be a positive experience. It's even become a meme, 'First world problems'. It's a way of telling someone who is only eating bread and water, and who is griping about it, to try and change perspectives such that the bread and water become positive, life sustaining substances. While the objective fact is that it's horrible that other people have it worse than you will just make you sad, that's ignoring psychology/philosophy behind what it means to be sad or happy or any emotion inbetween. Those emotions are not hard and true most of the time, it is your perspective and longing for things that you don't have is what is -actually- making you upset. And even for those people whose physiology is against them, the relativity of positive experience to bad experience still exists and can still be drawn from.


I guess 1 and 2 are not all that very different from each other, but 2 makes sense while 1 is more like someone telling you to 'get over yourself'.

There is a phrase I have heard umpteenth times, 'sure it could be worse'.
Most experiences in life are relative to that person and their situation. Yes it could be worse, there is always a way for a an experience to be worse, but the reality for the person is they have to deal with what 'is', not what 'could be'.

I do take comfort from knowing that other people have had similar experiences (not comfort from anothers pain), if they made it through the difficulties, then there is hope that I can too, but maybe I have to adjust my goals relative to my situation. I think this is what people are trying to communicate in a muddled way, to keep hope as a motivator to achieve your goals.

sorry I cut the quote of. This is fiddly on my phone.

I agree with this. Attitude has a lot to do with how we cope with and handle things that life throws at us. We can still be positive even in difficult circumstances.