My Husband has a Secret Relationship w/Someone

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He said something puzzling to me. He said he knows I'm pissed off at him, pissed off about everything. But anger was probably the only negative emotion I haven't felt. Crushed was the word that seemed the most appropriate.

Why would he think I'm angry, does that seem like a normal assumption?

I'd be angry.

Maybe it will come later. Now that my head has cleared a little after the shock from this bombshell, I'm suddenly filled with a ton of questions I should have asked when I confronted him last night.

I really don't want to be angry, I get stupid and defensive when I am upset.

Drive up to Mt. Charleston. Nice and cool up there. I know takings walk in Vegas especially this time of year would be less than pleasant for many reasons.

I'd love too, but until I stop shaking and feel like throwing up, driving might be a tad dangerous.

So here we are on day three.

Yesterday I texted him wanting to know if he'd be home before going to Fred's. He said yes to change clothes. I asked if he'd be late again, he replied probably. I asked him not to (as in not to be late). I think he took it the wrong way. He calls me and says he has to do this. He knows I'm pissed. I told him I wasn't and that I trusted him and haven't looked at the phone records. He said,"Why? Apparently I'm not trustworthy!"

So he came home, left again. Got home around 10:30. Would of been home sooner, blah blah blah.

I didn't sleep which he was sore about when he left for work. Said I needed to sleep. No s**t as*hole, what I need is peace of mind. I thought that last part, never said it.

Today was spent reading the book Not Just Friends and crying my eyes out in the fetal position. Still having a hard time eating anything solid.

I did decide to write down some rules aka boundaries that I need him to abide by, so I can at least attempt to feel respected again. No contact with the other woman, complete transparency with all his goings on. No passwords, no deleted emails or texts. No more "just friends" with women until we have sorted this mess out. No going where this woman could be without me there. He breaks the rules, he sleeps in the other room, he can do his own laundry, no TV time.

A part of me feels like it died this week. I realize so many things about this past month. He has been working out more than he ever had before to lose weight. He works extra days and stays late not because he has to, but because he doesn't want to come home. He makes excuses to go to the garage or walk around the park so he can make phone calls. He's been very short tempered with me.

Since he has yet to admit to any wrong-doing, or even talked more about what happened, I expect he'll feel threatened by my rules. I'm not even certain he has admitted to himself he was emotionally cheating on me. This whole week was nothing but "You need to see a counselor." repeatedly.

I understand now that it is 50% my fault and 50% his for our marriage being on the rocks. But he is 100% responsible for the affair. Even if he still feels it was just a friendship.

He is actively avoiding me know, so I hate to catch him on the run. But we have to set these rules before he goes back to Fred's tonight and his mother gets here tomorrow.

I'm sorry that he's being angry with you about this and that he's avoiding you. He should not be lashing out at you that way. You describe him as being blind to the fact that he's falling/fallen in love with this person, seems accurate. To me an emotional affair is still an affair also.

Keep us updated.

He reallly hasn't said a word to me. His mother in law is staying here now. I told what I suspected but she swears she is staying neutral and offering no advice. She did say she talked to him after I had called her in tears saying he was having an emotional affair , he told her he was talking with a woman named Ashley. But swore they have never been alone together irl, just via texts and calls.

He didn't tell me until a day later when I confronted him. But he clammed up and said nothing more, even after I asked him if he wanted to.

This afternoon he called his mother and asked if she would take his place going to the movies tonight. Then he stopped by the house, collected all his clothes and bathroom stuff. This is in addition to the laptop and cameras he took earlier. I bet his mountain bike is gone too. Hell he even took the dirty clothes I told him he'd have to do until he met my boundaries. Says he's staying at his cousins' house across town for a "few days". He even took some of his dressy shirts. A lot of stuff for just a few days. And since he lied about going no contact I figure I was free to check the phone records again. Yep, still talking to her.

At least I have anti-anxiety meds to keep my heart from pounding out of my chest. I admit to slipping on the boundary consequences. I texted him goodnight with a kissy face. We would always kiss each goodnight. He didn't text back.

Wow, this sounds really stressful for you. I'm really sorry.

Seems like he's thinking that you are acting out of proportion to what's actually going on or he is planning on leaving you permanently. He's being an as*hole either way, not talking to you about anything that is -actually- going on in his mind.

I know, and I am frankly flabbergasted. I would have thought he'd have the balls to respect our vows, at least admit he's overstepped a boundary. After I set rules that included No Contact with the other woman, he's actually increased how often he talks to her. I wonder if he'll even go to a shrink or if he's hearing all he wants to hear about how right he is from this woman. And probably his best friend whose own wife thought he was cheating and left him.

All the books say only speak with friends or family who are friends of the marriage. I don't think he is. Too many possibly telling him, "Dump your wife and go be happy." No one to say, "Look, you've been together 20 years, at least go to counseling before you make any final decisions."

A lot of people are blind to the 2 sides of every story. He seems to be one of them. He seems to not be noticing that by NOT talking to you he's helping determine the outcome.

Hang in there, and prepare yourself for the worst if you at all can.

I don't know if it is a autism thing or human nature. But I have a very strong sense of moral right or wrong. Laws can't be broken. Promises must be kept. And honesty above all else.

I've never understood the reasoning behind lying to the people you care about to spare their feelings. I sort of understand the little white lies, "Oh my, this is an interesting gift. Thank you."

But such a huge lie, a series of them really, I cannot wrap my head around it. It's like being a robot on Star Trek stuck in a logic loop. Does not compute.

I've been through all of what you are describing here myself, I'm now divorced from the person who cheated on me (it was an emotional affair that turned into physical cheating). I'm now re-married, please PM me if you want an online friend at this time.

I thank anyone reading this for their patience. His mother is staying here with me, but she's refusing to take sides. Says she's Switzerland. So I can't vent at all.

The only thing I have heard from him since Friday was a text asking if I would put more money in the main bank account so he could get gas.

Today was supposed to be fun. An annual trip to a small town festival with antique dealers, vintage car show, food, games, crafts and beer. We go every year. I went with his mother, but after the text I broke down and asked to go home.

No matter how bad he thought of our marriage I don't deserve this. Complete stonewalling, staying with his family who probably all think I'm the bad guy. That he should leave me, and it's great he's found someone who makes him happy. According to the phone records the only other person he talks to is the as*hole friend whose marriage is broken. I can only imagine the advice his friend is giving. "f**k her, she's a b***h who always made you miserable."

I've been torturing myself by constantly checking the phone logs. Praying maybe, just maybe he has enough sense of guilt, or compassion to stop talking to her. But their interactions have only increased.

Where is the someone who can tell him he's being an as*hole? To knock this s**t off, be a man and try to work out our issues in therapy. Who stands up for me?

I can't ask his mom what she thinks. And I'm dying to know. What do you think of your son cheating? Throwing away a 20 year relationship without even trying to address the problems.

He probably thinks by not talking to me and continuing to live his life behind my back, that he is sparing my feelings. But by not answering questions I'm left with nothing but demons and misery. It would easier if he just came home said he loves her, is getting a divorce and then punches me in the stomach.

going by what's written here, he's being a coward and hopes to precipitate a split by behaving unreasonably (toward you) and driving you to your limits.
it's sounding as tho even if there were someone willing to fight your corner and to caution him from being stupid, he wouldn't be in the place to listen.

it also reads as tho you are willing to forgive him despite what he may (or may not) be up to...perhaps wait and see if the glamour of "a new friend" wears off, and take the time to see if you are indeed willing to forgive?personally, i wouldn't, but, you have 20 years invested so i can understand why you would be reluctant to give up on him.

either way, i'm so very sorry to read of your plight and hope things resolve themselves for you with the least amount of pain.