I keep having irrational thoughts

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My anxiety is what makes me irrational but not by some anti-terror status, maybe I fear human error as I long to feel normal appreciation, which for a non-typical person like myself, doesn't exist.

A few people on the spectrum, I know can exist without being bogged down by sub-standard stuff, but we all live in a neuro typical structure.

I know only full well what my thought patterns are, because they've been worked from others expectations over the years, but my life is measured out by weaknesses and vulnerable behaviour, so I look like an easy target, until I open my mouth.

Life is full of surprises and guilt trips, the mirror hides our best fantasies and well kept secrets.

When I wake up to the aroma of latte or French cuisine, my appetite forgets all rational thought.
There's a lot of ecstasy in the pit of one aroma alone, and that cup forges only one brand of irony for me and that's the
sweetness of life.

That sounds nice. Wait, is that a metaphor or do you actually wake up to latte and French cuisine for breakfast in bed every morning? I'd love that!

^^My life is full of undying metaphors, but my cuisine is the foodstuff of love and the chatter of life.

Better the chatter of life than the chatter of my thoughts. Introspection can be useful but like all things it's better in moderation.

I've spent half of the year comparing myself to the rest of the original 4 in my family. It didn't get me anywhere. If anything, it pulled me farther away from my family.

I was talking about my radio, being the chatter of life. I am an introspective person anyway and I rarely talk to myself, even when I'm stressed or annoyed for whatever reason.

We all talk to ourselves but most of us do it in silence.

Is that another ego check? I thought I could hear it being bruised and battered. DING DONG, saved by the bell.

Of course

I wouldn't worry about not going to college. If you have the opportunity later and you want to study, then go for it but from my experience college won't make you a different person; you'll be the same person, and respond to the 'bildungsroman' situations as yourself.

When I went off to study at uni, I expected it to be this great coming-of-age thing where I would finally understand and engage in all the things normal kids my age were doing (partying, societies, friendships, etc.). Actually I just became the worst version of myself. Without the support system of my family and my familiar routines/surroundings, etc, I just lost it. Before I talked to classmates and went out with close friends, now I shut myself off from everyone. My eating disorder got way worse, because it's really a coping mechanism for stress/sensory overload. I just lost it, man!

So, I wouldn't beat yourself up or feel like you've missed anything, especially since you have a job and money etc.. I study at home now and I'm doing much better, getting good grades, working a part time job, even occasionally eating lol (at uni I was down to 10 almonds and a tin of tuna a day, and I thought I was just fine ...). If you do get a college education it will be on your own terms, and in my experience that's by far the best way to do it!